Emotional affair?

For 8 years my husband has worked with a woman who is his friend. The very first time I met her I could tell they had a lot in common. Her and her fiance and me and my husband went out for dinner. I was uncomfortable at times not understanding what they were talking about or not getting some joke, but I tried to let it go. At the end of the meal she tried to pay, but my husband grabbed the bill. The jokingly argued over who was paying while her fiance and I just sat there. He stood up to go give the waiter the bill and she stood up to try and get it from her. He's tall so he held it up high and she proceeded to jump and try to tickle him to get him to give her the bill. They made a scene. I was uncomfortable. From that point on I didn't like her. As years passed, I'd hear little tidbits about her. My husband knew I didn't like her or care for their friendship. I find out that she'd stop at his desk daily for a soda run. Then I accidentally stumbled across some texts between them. My husband told me to check a text from my brother on his phone and the very next one down was her. Totally innocent text. Something work related and a joke. I confronted him to tell him it made me feel uncomfortable. Another year goes by and he becomes her boss. I warned him about the perceived impression of their friendship at work and him being her boss. He promised to keep it professional and limit texts. Again, I find out they are texting a lot and obviously having a lot of contact with each other because he's her boss. Texting dumb stuff like, "omg, check out this electric car I saw". (they are both electrical engineers). By this point he stopped telling me anything about her because he knew it made me mad. BUT, then when I asked him about work events he'd omit stuff and then I'd ask further and he'd say, "I just didn't think you wanted to hear about her". All this time, I'm 100% trusting him. It's more the situation that I don't trust and partly her. She had since gotten married and had one child, while we had 2. I got back to pretending it's an innocent work friendship. Then, last night she came up in conversation with two friends. I told my friend to see if there were any text messages. He handed the phone over and there were. Then we all go into this discussion about her- I call her his "work wife". After they leave I ask to see the messages and my heart sank immediately. There were tons of them. Dumb stuff like a picture of legos and a dumb comment. But what hit me the hardest was text messages from a recent weekend getaway with the kids where he texted her a picture of something and said "hello from legoland". I mean- he's with his kids and family! Then there were lots of "call me when you are on the road" comments or "do you have a second to chat?". I get that they have legitimate work stuff to talk about. After a long discussion about how this all makes me feel he tells me that this past January he told her that he doesn't tell me about their friendship...that it's basically in secret. She was mad at him because she didn't think there was anything to hide. He told her I was upset years ago about the tickling incident. He said that having her as a friend has made him a better husband because he takes what they talk about- her insecurities, etc and relates it back to us and helping me feel me secure. Our relationship had been the strongest ever the past six months- he had seemed more interested in me physically and we just clicked. Now I just wonder if it's guilt that he's had this best friend who I dislike and he's hiding it. I believe this is an emotional affair. I've told him that. I asked him years ago to keep it professional and try not to be overly friendly. He's a friendly guy. He just wants everyone to like him and think he's friendly. When I asked him a long time ago he said he couldn't just go up to someone and say, "I can't be your friend anymore" but he would distance himself. That obviously hasn't happened. What should I do? Do I have a right to be upset and think this is an emotional affair? This has been affecting me for 8 years of our lives!

Sweet Knesti, Yes, you have Every right to be More than "upset," for this "work wife" woman has nearly wrecked your life And your home life with your husband. What I don't understand how he continues to slap you with her, for this ongoing work-"personal "emotional affair" has gone on for nearly a decade, and You have been this monkey in the middle. I call this a triangle trio, for you are the one on top, looking from side to side at the both of them making a fool out of you. This nonsense should have been put to bed a long time ago. However, being he is her boss now, and although they are Not sharing a bed, but an office and "after office text" and such, is still causing toil and trouble, which apparently hubby doesn't understand. You need to sit him down and have a long talk, and tell him straight out as Your Own Straw Boss, that if you see One more blessed text and tickle on his phone, or hear her name come up in your house again, or even find Out there is Anything that could jeopardize your marriage, then you and him will be seeing either a marriage counselor Or----a divorce lawyer. Simple as that. If you continue to stand for this, you will continuously stoop for anything else that is thrown at you like mud on your face. Good luck, be firm, stand your ground.xx

Mmm, this is quite a peculiar predicament. It seems to be the split line between a best friend and a lover. Which can often cause this sort of emotional turmoil and conflict. I think the person above me has suggested quite a radical way to approach this problem, which I don't particularly agree with. This evidently should not be a marriage breaking incident, unless they are clearly being intimate above a platonic level. You've mentioned a fair amount of interaction between them. But how does he balance this with you exactly? Does he spend more time with her than he does you? Does he balance the two equally? If it's balanced or in your favor I'd say that's fine. Your husband is clearly very understanding and doesn't want to cause you emotional distress. As you can probably tell he means no harm, but inadvertently causes it. With that in mind I don't think you should limit very much interaction between them unless it gets out of hand, in terms of how much care and attention he puts towards you or he shows intimacy to her, but that doesn't seem like it's the case. I don't think it's right the limit the freedom he has to do what he wants outside of this relationship. No one wants to be chained to their lover and not able to have strong platonic bonds outside of the relationship. One thing you have to keep in mind is that he's with you and not her. There is clearly a reason for that. He loves you over her, and over the duration of 8 years he hasn't come up with the urge or thought to leave you for her or vice versa. So the deciding factor is he wants you over her, which is how it should be. He even started a family with you in that time, if he was unsure or had feelings for her he wouldn't have confidently made a foundation to start a family. With that in mind I don't think I'd call this an emotional affair within the marriage, more of a self conflict emotional affair within you. I do think he should keep the things that hurt you to a minimum which is what he is doing. However you request to keep things on the down low to work related business is basically saying: No fun silly texts, which basically equates to she's not a friend anymore, but a colleague. Another way you worded it was limit, but still I think that's a bit too restrictive. In conclusion I'd say as long he is spending reasonable time with you as compared to her then everything is fine. He values you over her, if you had a plan to go out somewhere and she had a plan to get out somewhere, he'd take your plan over hers: That being a basic analogy here. If it bothers you that much seeing their interactions simply don't look at them. As your husband did to not tell you the interactions between them cause they hurt you. I wish you the best of luck with your marriage, it sounds like you have a pretty good understanding husband to me. This is all my opinion ultimately what you choose to do is by your own volition. I hope I helped.

The issue here is your husband's maintenance of a platonic partnership with a work colleague which has continued as a 'hidden' personal relationship. You made your feelings clear right from the start and while you don't have the right to choose your husbands friends, you do have the right to be heard when you consider one of his friends becoming intrusive into your marriage. You husband needs to understand that they are two people in a marriage and those two people make it work or break it by their actions and not so much by their words. If he was with you 100%, he have no need for her in his personal life; he would have no need to share vacation photos with her etc. behind your back. Sure, he can show work colleagues vacation snaps in the office environment, but to send a photo to one particular person, without your knowledge, is disconcerting to say the least. Quite frankly, you need to speak to your husband and ask him about his understanding and interpretation of a true marriage. In your personal life together, your husband needs to understand that YOU should be his only priority. If you were, you wouldn't be here on this forum.

If your man is coming home to you at night and not sleeping with her, why are you worried that he is talking to a female? If she were 75 years old, would you feel differently about their in jokes or closeness. YES!!!! Don't think too hard, real men know the difference between friends and lovers. Now if you think he is cheating, like really sleeping with her then....(I have been saying this all day) this is the day and age of surveillance, video cameras, and Private detectives. Since your husband likes to pay the bills and is a electrical engineer, hire a someone to watch him and make him pay the bill.

I do not feel he is having an emotional affair but yes its more than just friendship. Your husband is unable to understand where and how he has to draw the line and hence is in a mess. He wants to withdraw, loves you more than her (if it weren't by now this kind of situation would have blown into a full fledged affair). There are some mistakes you are doing too. By acting uncomfortable about her (you will be uncomfortable...thats natural but don't show it) and discussing with friends about her in front of him is all reinforcing the fact that if he has any communication with her, he should hide it from you. And secrecy is a devil in itself which will pull you into unhealthy habits. Thats whats happening to your husband. So first stop that. Ask your husband to not communicate with her while you are with family. Work is separate, family is separate. When with family, family is priority, not even friends. Tell him that however uncomfortable you are, it doesn't matter, whatever he wants to communicate with her while he is with family should be in front of you and open to you. (This is to make him feel that there is a limit and a check so will keep the devil out). What he says about a female perspective of a friend is correct. It does make your marriage stronger as he starts understanding his wife better but there is a line there and without your supervision its easy to cross that. Hence you need to be in picture. One more thing you need to deal with is your insecurity. Analyse it, if your husband needed to leave you for her, he would have done that long back. If in so many years she hasn't been able to even get him to a full affair, it means you are at a stronger position which she is not and will never be able to cross. So trust yourself and your relationship. Be confident of it. That confidence will go a long way in making your relationship stronger than ever before. 8 years of insecurity is enough suffering....don't prolong it. Throw it away from your mind and be your confident self.