Thinking my life should have been much different

I am a fifty seven year old wife. My husband fifty nine and dying, until this morning had hopes a bone marrow transplant would take and he would start getting better, He went into convultions early today. They said it is probably a rejection. Also said it happens so don't worry. The thing is he really does not want to live any longer, and after the hell of the last year he has caused I am not sure he should, I know this is a statement that no wife should admit to but I have been having affairs since a year after our wedding, I know he has been a good honorable man that was caught up in family and social and work maneuvering. My father in law wanted him to be controlled and be the one to take a secondary role to keep everyone else from complaining how much trouble my husband caused them, their families and jobs. He did not like to compromise on anything that he earned and had to be forced to do so. The first three and a half years after our wedding I saw him for fifteen minutes on thanksgiving day a year and a half after we married before he had to go finish a missile on load before going back out on patrol two days later. I had started my first affair by this time. I was warned not to say a word to my husband about it, it ended the day after new year a month later when he was sent to the west coast. My mother said six months later that I may as well come home until there was a chance husband would come home in three years I received several log books that were filled with daily letters one every year. His final three patrols he did not receive one family gram from anyone, the final six months he was in I was sent to his home, with his parents. to await his discharge and his return to civilian career. The final refit before his discharge he was kept on duty for106 hours before collapsing, he was let out upon the termination and crew turnover 101 days later, He had to arrange to clean out a storage shed which the things I had purchased for our apartment where. and arrived home at 230 am one a Monday morning in a rental car, he could not get a flight for two more days and his father said there was no way that anyone could come get him so he drove 18 hrs to get home. HIs mother let him in an said the sofa was were he was sleeping that morning he was to leave me alone. He was looking forward to having two weeks off before going back to work, he had not had a day off in three and a half years, the navy contacted use and told use he was suffering from mental problems caused by something called exhaustive parinioa, today we know it as ptsd. His father decided that the best thing was not to let him have time off. In his words if he takes time off he might get to expect it. Woke him up at 630 am am just about push him out the door, I had just come out of my room and wanted to say welcome home and hug him, His father was screaming he was going to be late that there was no time. He thought and asked if he was going to come back the next week after filling everything out which took until 230 they said yes. when he completed everything for his return they said he had very high blood pressure after his physical, but took him out to his old department threw some coveralls at him and put him on his old job and shift, they were on 100% overtime for forseeable future which was 12 hrs per day seven days a week. He slept on the sofa again the next morning. This time his father got him up and asked how his first day back was and my husband said ok like he never left, I came out and ran to him and his father said no time for that we had to find a place to live and hustled out the door he held me back for a minute while the car warmed up, and told me that I had better do as instructed or he would make sure the state controlled my husband for the next twenty years, he said you can find a new husband easy with your looks. We found an apartment got moved in that next Monday, husband was really tired and said only one more weekend then we get away the next, he came home with tears pouring out his eyes and went to sleep after doing grocery shopping or other required things, many arranged by his father, he woke up everyday for the next 16 years and did this same routine. As far as the next weekend off he said I have worked my two now taking first day off in ages, that was Wendsday that week. his father showed up on Thursday demanding to know why he turned that weekend down the father of one of the kids on his little leauge team was going to be forced to work in his place and miss the game. Husband said wasn't his problem. His father screamed at him until he was horse, then when he went to work many other people landed in the middle of him, the kids father made the game and my husband worked, in sixteen years he had two days off because he had the flue so bad he was running high temp, Every few months he would say I will take some time for us. I knew better, he was to work that is all. His headaches got worse and after 16 years I told every one this was abuse, I was stopping it, his father said ok the state can have him, he said we know you get the men and sex you want but it can't be allowed to my son. A week latter he left with what looked like rivers going down his face, a coworker got mad at something and threw a 1/2 inch allan wrench striking husband in his head, husbands hand shot out and he pick the man off the floor by his throat, His female forman came running out and asked him to put him down, my husband complied but he had tears still pouring out of his eyes, she said what is wrong then husband tossed up all over her and passed out. He was transported to ER they could not understand the tears until they tested then, it was not tears but cerebral spinal fluid leaking out around his eyes. They did a CT scan found a cyst on his brainstem blocking it off in his scull. They did the surgery that night. He went back to work two days latter, he wasn't supposed to go back for a month but everyone said could not let him have that time. His father again said he could be a guest of the state. A month latter my husband went total rebel, he had gone back to work with a bleeding place and dressings still wrapped around his head. He decided to take a new job, and put his senority bid on it, the problem was the son of the president of the county council wanted it but he had ten years less than husband, He got the job, that evening the man and three friends showed up to tell my husband he was taking his name off the bid. MY husband told them where they could go, They attacked him first and ended up in trauma center for it. His father showed up the next morning and I asked what was going on, He told me I failed to keep his son from causing trouble so he was going to become a guest of the state. He said police will be here in twenty minutes with a search warrant, My husband was standing behind his father and had a grin saying he had nothing to hide, his father said you wont mind me waiting then ten minutes later they showed up with warrant and went through everything. Said bad tip his father turned and said you found it didn't you, husband said I saw you plant it right after my surgery. His father said what did you do with six grand in meth, my husband laughed and said It was turned to ash and spread through the parking lot where he worked, His father nearly had a heart attack This is how its been for last 13 years. Now I am in trouble. My husband went and talked to several doctors, they all agree he suffers ptsd, and delights in foiling plans others make for him, Me controlling by denying sex for control has not worked since 2001, he has actively sought out Boy Friends families and ruined their lives, Now he's after me and many others with charges of marital fraud and extortion, Also federal charges of conspiracy to deny civil rights. I have already taken a deal, Two years house arrest and community service. Turn states evidence against his father and others for the civil rights charge, and his union for not representing his interest on the job. there is one more charge dropped, but can be applied keeping an indentured servant by force or cohersion. Basiclly we forced my husband to be a slave for 31 years. Many including his mother think this is fair she even tried to get it stopped many times but was called a crackpot. I was just to afraid to stand behind my husband with the threat he could be put in prison for20 years. that was to far. I sinned because I felt there was never again going to be physical contact with my husband. We kept hearing a phrase, there is always tomorrow. Three years ago my husband developed an abcess in his spine, it was MRSA left him without feeling in his legs. Last year started having stroke and his blood tests showed the MRSA seems to have impacted his immune system bad enough to morph into leukemia. The chemo and radiation is bad, I find myself so scared now all I can do is cry most the time, Heard that stinking phrase again there is always tomorrow. I got married with the best intention for myself and my honorable husband and spent 32 years destroying him. I can't rewind the clock, he had bone marrow transplant Monday, however I think he has already passed critical point. Last year he was 6'4" tall 256, today 96, he spend most time in bed asleep. when he is awake and talking he just asks the same question, why did you not put a butcher knife through me 31 years ago when you originaly murdered me.