So confused I can't think of one

Hello.. anyone.. I'm 21 yearsold and more than anything right now I want to be understood. Thhere are way more things I want but I can even think about it. I'm very indepednet. I actually do everything myself. In kind of a perfectionist and more than anything I'm a person that wants something like to be able to achieve something, I get it I make it happen. I don't know anyone who has as much will as I do. Will is what got me to where I am. I don't even know if im putting enough info here for anyone to be able to try to give me some advice. I'm a very guarded person. If you meet me you would not know there was a whirlpool going on in my brain. I cud be very cool and unstransparent but not seem so. I'm a very in control person. Not a control freak tho- hate that. I'm somewhat of an insomniac. I think till I have a headache and I don't stop. Lately I've been like subconcously thinking about speaking to someone, professional. But as close as you can to go to speaking to someone I went, untill it was time to show up. Ultimately I just don't think it would work... it's totally against my nature. there isn't a single person I'm close with or anyone I talk to that I can't have clear close upfornt and personal conversations with. Not in a deep way and not in a simple way. I don't have a single relationship with anyone. I don't think I know how. Its been said that therapy can help ppl. But I'm a person who needs to be in control, and I'm wired a certain way and even if I want to talk to someone I would go but be unable to say the proper things to get help. I don't know If im too weak or if it's a social block for me. This whole thing freaks me out. I really want to move on with my life. I don't feel lik eim living I'm so on auto pilot mode it's bad. Logistically I don't know how to work the therapy process thing but forget that... if I actually wanted to find someone to speak to like where how?? how do I find that person that will click with me? That will get me? That will work with ME?? Iwho has thw life experience, who is cool enough to help me and not be diagnosing telling you what everything is wrong with you. Someone who has the ability to get you give you the proper advice. This is so difficult. I've literally searched online. But it's not for me I can't deal with that- mentally. If you've read this much I don't know what to say to you. Thank you. I also just read whative written and i hope that you understand that this is coming somewhat impulsively although true. I haven't properly explained myself and shhown you well who I am. All I'm asking here is what do I do? I do want to find that person who you don't feel like you have to defend yourself but who empowers you to talk and has real confidence as an individual and isn't just sweet ans nice if you get what I'm saying. Please anyone who can help

Aright! Wow! Thanks for responding. You definitely understand that my brain is running so fast and sometimes I don't keep up with it. To start, my running force is my brain- that's my 'strength'. So no matter the situation I'm in, or whatever happens to me although I might have an emotional response my head is 'running' my life. It doesn't mean I don't freak out, sure I dobut in a very controlled manner. So to sum up I'm ver mind controlled. I'm gonna be so transparent here, there are quiet a few times a day that I go 'shhhh' to stop my brain cuz it is flying. I'm very aware of the that fact- but that's not the issue I'm trying to relay. I know am realizing how unclear I was. All being said I'm at a point in my life where you when you are so over tired (not drunk) that you can't tell the difference between what actually happened and and something that didnt- reality and fantasy. So I'm at the point where my brain is in such an overdraft that thinking about the future of my life and trying to make proper decisions is just not coming well to me. I think that given my situation where I have no friends, I don't have one hhonest/real relationship/friendship with anyone. NO ONE KNOWS what's going on in my brain. Trust me there more than tons. I'm been unwavering and determined about making my life work since age 16- which I'm blessed and so proud of where I've gotten- but never having anyone to to ever share my life with- or just to trust not even with my life- just someone to hear me out and get me and someone who can not just tell me that I'm amazing- someone who actually can be an advantage to me and. I've seriously just blabbed. I'm gonna try to spell it out here cause when I don't know exactly what to do I just keep saying things and you know know what I want. 1. I lack in any proper social life- to begin with I have no close ppl to me. And I need that for my sanity. So I'm basically going crazzee here 2 I've made it this far and I know I cud do it I'm just very stuck here. Brain overdraft 3 I wrote a lot to try and explain where im coming from so u can better understand- which I know I didn't do very well. 4. I have a mind that will never give up- im programmed that way. allbeit doesn't mean I'm not going insane 5. I never ever had any type of an actual proper relationship of any type (and by the way I'm not even thinking about a girlfriend-boyfriend thing- solely I'm talking about ppl) still being said no relationship. Not to confuse you but I do wanna get married- and I don't see it in any possible way hoew I cud do that. So I fear for my future. Remmeber I'm 21 and I've never had a relationship. That includes mom, dad etc 4, as it's abvious, I am aware that I have loads of issues just to put that out there. 5 lastly I just want to be clear about my current status, im in a buffer, my brain is in such overdraft that I can't think clearly, so whatever I'm saying is just what's coming to my mind right now. Its not been thought through properly. And the reason I'm reaching out is because I can't even function. I realize that's a problem because then how is someone else supposed to know. Unlimately I just want to move on with my life and not be stuck in any way. And I need help with that. Thank you again. UR amazing seriously

Thank you

I wanna thank you for taking the time to read amd respond. My issue is that I do have the power to use my. Mind for benifit. And in the past 5 years I've had tremendous success because of it. it requires a ton of control and will power. So it's benefited me quiet well. This gift that I have can have a bad effect of me as well and make me go crazzee. One of my main issues right now that's disturbing me incredibly is that my social, daily and all together life is not good. In fact I don't have a social life. I don't have any friends. The closest I get to ppl is friendly - that's it. There is no one person that I trust, who understands me well and who knows me and who I can talk to openly and honestly about my life and about what goes on in my brain. Thoughts... So I live alone and not just that I live in my own little brain. There is no one that I share my life with. Naturally to begin with I don't know how to do a lot of things and I don't care for process. I never do things with a proccess- I don't know how. I figure out what I want and I'll do what ever it takes and I get what I want. Once I get to my goal I realize what the proccess is and then I can understand how things work. I only achieve anything in life from a strong attitude and mindset. Having said that, I feel like I'm going crazzee and I need to be able to talk to someone. About simply what's going thru my mind. My problem is Idk how I can find someone who is smart enough and witty enough to get me and be able to help me. Everyone I've spoken with iether says things I already know or doesn't at all get what I'm saying. Or is so caught up in the rules and concepts they've learned that they're boxed up thinkers. I need to find someone with whom I'll be able to work with and will work for me and I don't know how I can make this happen. Keep in mind I've got myslef thru high school and thru life etc and however stuck I've been I've been able to work thru, and I've been thru so pretty helly, shitty stuff. So I'm in quiet a mindblown sitch right now Get me?

Thank you again! My problem I think is the qhole ppl thing. Because doing all those things u suggested is unneccesary because when I go to work there's ppl. Where I live is ppl. And I have no connection with them. Like I cud move out of america tomorrow and I wudnt be sad or miss them. It happens to be inconvenient and I have no reason to do that. I wanna fix the problem that I have. U understand? Going to groups won't change anything. I want to live my life and have proper friends. I don't know how I cud ever get married if I can't have a relationship. That's never gonna work. I have a problem

I'm probably not explaining myself well enough. I have a problem that I want to fix. This problem is so big that it takes a very negative toll on me. This is probably the forefront of most of my problems and therefor fixing it is even bigger than just fixing one problem. I do go out and I do have a plan for the day. But if I don't like how something is I change it. That's how I deal with things. And I'm stuck but I'll work it out I just don't know exactly how or when. Thanks again and good luck