The truth about polygamy and my issues

I ask that you be open minded when reading this. As with anyone, distilling the essence of ones struggles into a single post is extremely difficult. It can be difficult for me to express the whole picture, because often I have difficulty wrapping my own mind around the whole thing. Also, my background may be very different from your own, and I ask that you analyze it critically with as much reason as you can muster. I don’t ask that you agree with my beliefs, but understanding what they are might help. If you want more information on the community I grew up in… look up http://goo.gl/ZR3mh9 or watch a YouTube video http://goo.gl/722DET. These are probably the most un-biased sources of information that you can find for more info on my background. So let me get to the point straight away. I am a young man in my early twenties and I was born in a Fundamentalist Mormon family. For the most part I have been more independent than the majority of my other brothers and sisters. Not necessarily rebellious, but I have been pretty open minded to other viewpoints and ways of looking at things. I don’t want to toot my own horn, because being able to critically recognize different issues with my beliefs is not necessarily the same as acting on those insights. But I am getting to the point where I realize that I must commit to some sort of course of action in regards to my doubts and misunderstandings. My main doubts are as follows; I do not see how I can reconcile polygamy / plural marriage and my current understanding of universal truth. In my own family I saw a lot of good, and yet I also saw a lot of crap in plural marriage. I can honestly say that I would not give up a singe one of my brothers and sisters from my fathers other wives. I love hanging out with my half brothers, and we often hangout by going fishing, camping, hunting and such things. I can honestly say that I get along really well with my other brothers and sisters, and in some ways my relationships with them are just as meaningful and deep as my relationships with my own mothers children. However, on the other side of the coin; I saw a lot of resentment between my dad’s wives. Finances were always on a shoe string, it is hard for them not to be when resources have to be spread further between families. This strain, and the division of my father’s available time; have caused animosities that are obvious but were difficult to identify when I was younger, since they were so well masked. As for the typically second biggest issue in plural marriage, aside from finances, the issue of sex; I cannot really give much in depth insight into that area. I can honestly say that given the culture, there were very set standards of chastity and sex and contrary to the majority of peoples opinions polygamy is generally not the grounds of open and blatant licentiousness. I cannot say that it never happens… however, in my own family I have never seen any hints of sexual abuse or such things that I am aware of. I can honestly say that I love all my family, and growing up in a close tightknit community I have become very good friends with the majority of individuals that I have associated with growing up. This is what makes it so difficult to have to make a decision. I could easily fake belief if I wanted, and I doubt that anyone would ever know any better. I really like the people, it is just the principles that I take issue with. So this is the crux of the issue. “I do NOT see how god could possibly require people to live plural marriage as a necessary requirement to enter the highest degree of the kingdom of god, when it is IMPOSSIBLE for it to UNIVERSALLY apply to EVERYONE.” I do not see any way for me to circumvent this blatant issue with the religion I was raised on, with out being completely dishonest with my conscience and thinking of myself as a complete coward for not taking the necessary steps implicated by such a realization. The world has roughly equal amounts of men and women, and to say that it is necessary for men to have more than one wife to be completely saved strikes me as extremely un-Christian. I cannot reconcile any way that Jesus Christ could make such a requirement in order to enter the kingdom of God, when by requiring it he would be immediately excluding half of men from any chance of exaltation. I honestly believe that in order for something to hold absolute truth in relation to god, it must be a Universal Truth. God does not play favorites, and the crux of Christianity is that Christ died that ALL mankind might be saved. I have tried to reconcile the contradiction and I have looked at the arguments for plural marriage and against it. I could mention for example, that some people say that plural marriage “works” because most men lack the self control or are inherently or not usually as righteous as women; honestly, I DON’T BUY IT! All the arguments that I have heard strike right at the heart of my firm belief in the Universal Redemption of Christ. There is a definitely and abyss between this, and the truth. The real question that I have is… How in the world do I make such a leap of Faith? I am torn between two sides; the first is love for my family and many aspects of my religion, the other is my desire to find truth. Both of these things have been ingrained in me since I was a kid. There really are many things about Fundamentalist Mormonism that ring true to me especially the Fundamentalist conception of who god is. However, I know that if I don’t make a firm decision on where I stand that I will always be a complete and total coward, someone who cannot stand up for what he believes in the face of everything he has ever been told. It is such a difficult decision because I love my family so much, and I know that if I give up my religion I will completely lose the respect of my family and associates. I know that I will become a pariah. I know that I would still be welcome to family events, and that I would be treated with hospitality. However, I also realize that behind closed doors my family would tell each other that I was an apostate. Sometimes to my face I would be told that I was wrong and that they hoped that I would come back to the “truth”. Probably worst of all, as the oldest of my Mother's Children, my younger brothers and sisters would be lead to believe that they should take whatever I say to them with a grain of salt. I would in many ways lose much of my ability to make positive differences in the lives of those that look up to me for direction in life. In my community I would then be viewed with suspicion; people generally would believe that I had somehow gotten my feelings hurt and then apostatized from the truth, when in reality I still loved them but had to leave for the sake of real truth. I could elaborate in detail on this… but for the sake of time I won’t. I think that I have gotten the gist of my problem across, and that I have distilled my primary problem with it all as much as possible. I have gotten a degree, and for as young as I am, I have a very competitive resume and work experiences. I have not doubt that if I moved that I would be able to handle my own finances well enough, and I am pretty responsible. My only worry is that I don’t believe that running away from my family or problems will solve then. I honestly don’t believe that I can outrun them, and yet I can’t hide from them or pretend that they are not there. So there, that is it… any advice would be appreciated. Finally, if you watch the aforementioned video http://goo.gl/722DET or wiki article http://goo.gl/ZR3mh9, then you would be able to give me better more informed advice.

Wow. That is a long post. I will tell you this. I can tell you are a very intelligent person and that your personal beliefs contradict with the religion that you were brought up with. I was raised Catholic, but my personal beliefs do not go hand in hand with the Catholic church. For that reason, I disassociated myself from organized religion. First of all, I believe that the Bible is open to interpretation. Regardless, the main objective of every religion is for you to be a good person, and we all have gone through experiences in life that have shaped our own moral compass. You have educated yourself with experiences and viewpoints outside your community. I get the feeling that if you were to stay in that community, you would not be being true to yourself. There are only two possible outcomes of "faking" it: 1) you implode or 2) you explode. Both have very negative consequences to yourself and everyone around you. If your family truly loves you, they will support your decision to be your own person with your own ideas and to follow those ideas, even if they are not something they approve. If I were you, I would live outside the community and see how you feel. Talk it over with whomever is responsible and see if you can have a trial period of living on your own. Do you think that would fly with your family?

I'm going to address my background, speak of three things, and then let you decide what to make of it. Firstly, my background. I'm a 22yr old young woman living on the west coast of the US. I was initially raised in a very VERY strict fundamental Christian environment. While I wasn't Mormon, I had a lot of Mormon friends in the area I grew up in. At some point, I became very disillusioned with all the strictness of everything and all the issues I found with my religion. Very similar to your issues with contemplating how God makes plurality a necessity when it doesn't apply to everyone. I'm saying this so you know I can understand where you're coming from, at least a little bit, in that way. (I also watched some of those videos) What helped me come to my own personal decisions was following a process involving 3 things. Looking at the pure facts or science or whatever behind things, looking logically at what would be for the greatest good of everyone involved, and lastly, accounting for emotions. 1) Scientifically, human brains are fundamentally(keyword here) wired to not be monogamous. We are never actually(or at least very rarely so) physically attracted to any one person for longer than 3months into a relationship. Anything which develops after that is referred to as "attachment". So really, a polyamorous or polygamous relationship of any sort is completely and utterly natural. There is nothing wrong with it. However, Scientific research has also stated that people are perfectly capable of living with, and loving only one person. Both things can be completely natural, many or one. Scientifically speaking, you are correct in your belief that not everyone will be polygamous. 2) I'll tell you how I logically see it, but of course, these aren't my issues so I don't know them intimately. I'll just go over the problem of whether or not you should stay and "fake" belief. You would not be 100% happy knowing you were faking it. It would be unfair to your future wives and others you touch to not be committed to the belief when they themselves are(minus doubts, they still believe). Logically speaking for the greatest good, it would be best for you to leave and find your own way. The others would be given the honor of equal beliefs, someone who truly shares their ideals. 3) Our emotions, our conscious thoughts, all of our beliefs are additions to our basic, primitive instincts. They can change, be lost, or stay the same. However, what is most important is that not everyone has the same emotions or thoughts about the same thing. You could take two people from birth, have every experience and event occur to them in the same way, and the both would see things differently. You, yourself, have grown up the same way as your siblings, and have come to a different conclusion than them. It does not make their beliefs or experiences any less and it does not make your beliefs any less. Both views are right and correct, but just different. Account for whomever you tells' emotions, how much they must feel like they failed, and be kind when you explain that you don't feel the same. Don't attack or even tell them what things you don't believe in, that is not what you're there for, that is not the point of the conversation. The point is that you do not share the same things, and that it would not be fair to stay as you are or to lie. Plain and simple. If you tell your parents you do not want to stay(and/or whoever it is that you have to speak to) make sure you're clear that you aren't hurt, angry, or believe that what they live by is wrong(like you don't hate them for their beliefs). Tell them that, right now, its just not what you need and that you need to be on your own to grow your faith and live within it how YOU choose. It is not that you are running from your doubts, but that you are running INTO them. You are challenging them, you are facing them head on, and that they should be there to support you on your journey with your faith. Follow what is in your heart and what you believe God would want. Do you think he'd want you to be filled with dislike for where you're at, living a "fake" lie to other people? Or do you think he'd be more happy with you for following the truth YOU live by, what is in your heart, and who you are as a person to find where you fit in your religion?

Hi there! I am deeply overjoyed that you are thinking and questioning the way you were brought up. I am a Greek orthodox Christian and I believe that Jesus died for the sins of man so that we could be re united with god. From what I have heard you are understanding the truth and because you are going after the truth and god he will not let you down. If you look in the bible maybe a non Mormon one, Jesus Christ says that you must take up your cross as follow me. Yes you do not want to lose your families respect but which is more important pleasing god or your family. Many saints have left families, died , have been tortured and have been killed because of their belief of the truth. You and I are not being tested as much as them. Knowing the truth and living the truth will save your soul. Jesus himself was rejected and cast away by people who though they were practicing the truth but were actually hypocritical and filled with evil desires in their hearts. Wether you are rejected by your family or accepted god will always help if you ask him. Seek god first and his truth. If you can do this by staying with you family and getting hold of a non Mormon bible then good. The truth will save your soul and it is more important than mans opinions. Whenever im confused about a situation and question what is right or wrong like polygamy I keep it simple and I ask myself would my holy Jesus do this and would it make him proud of me, if not I count it a something that is not accepted by god. God is love and love does not produce the fruits of jealousy/ anger which is what your parents relationship sounds like. Once you are firm and grounded in your faith and have grown spiritualty wise in Jesus then you can help your family. Have faith get strong and pray and remember god is the only entity that can make the impossible possible. best wishes!

I appreciate the feedback that I have received. It has given me much room for thought and reflection, and more importantly a clearer course of action that I need to take. It has made some important decisions that I have made recently come to an apex where I have had to definitely figure out exactly what I believe and what I am going to personally do about it. I appreciate the comments that I have received. They have been much needed. I don't have time right now to go into a ton of detail about my own life, except to say that I have had experiences living outside of my community that have changed my perspective in deep and meaningful ways. I realize that I am at a point that I MUST make a for sure decision, and that I can't avoid crossing this road forever. I regret to say that I am not 100% set on a specific course of action, or better said; I am not set on a specific destination. So, my next plan of action is to talk with my family, friends, and others and express the genuine concerns that I have been having. To have to courage to speak out for what I honestly think even though it may not be "popular" or "desired". If my belief is strong enough, then it should stand in the face of the criticism. I think that I need to first learn to articulate and express my view with courage, before I will be in a genuine position to act on the belief. With a full consciousness of exactly what I am doing. Because, to be honest, there are many many things that I still believe about my current faith. Even though I have huge doubts about certain aspects of my religion, there are still things that I genuinely want to hold onto. However, if I reject certain things as unacceptable, and others as true. I may end up being caught up in a frantic attempt to hold up certain pillars of this edifice while all the other pillars are collapsing around and on top of me. Yet it is also a catch 22, because I also don't want to go so far in rejecting all my previous beliefs that I end up throwing the baby out with the bath water. It is a tricky situation, and yet one that I cant stew over forever, because life ultimately measures us more by our actions than our beliefs. And I also don't want life to pass me by while I sit thinking things over too much. So yeah, I will restate, that I think the best course at present is to be open and honest about my concerns. I got to where I am at, because I was willing to THINK with my own reasoning about my faith. But I wont get much further, until I can turn that thinking into genuine DISCUSSION, and then hopefully turn the discussion into appropriate ACTION. Thanks for the help, and wish me luck. Thanks!