Losing it?

I have been super depressed. I really dont know what the hell I am doing any more. I am not happy, I mean i cry myself to sleep most nights. He doesnt trust me. (which i have never gave him a reason not to) hell he is the one who cheated on me and i took him back. He is super jealous. I really dont understand why. this has been my home for 2 years. I would have to move and leave everything i have built Again!!! Then what is he going to do fine someone else and have them move in. And i will be living with my sisters. Which i am not worried about that. THis is my home! I feel like he doesnt want to marry me. that is how i feel any way. everyone is getting married and having a baby. every time i bring it up there are excuses like, it takes money to get married, we have to get along before we get married, and Someday we will. I want to have a baby and a husband. Im not even sure if i wait any longer if i will be able to have babies. ( health reason) Its a scarey thing. Who wants to buy the cow if you can get the milk for free. RIGHT!? I am so lost. Plus he does not love the lord like i do. I want someone who will go to church and pray with me. THat will never happened with him. He tells me he has a relationship with God. And its just different than mine with God. he tells me he doesnt have to go to church. I love going to church. then he tells me I go to the wrong church. How can I go to the wrong church when he does NOT go at all? I think about leaving and I get all ready to tell him, but when i try to talk to him all I do is cry and cry and cry. The other night I almost had a panic attack when i was trying to talk to him. He tells me this is me giving up if i leave or that i dont really love him. I do. I really do love him so much. I cant Picture my life without him.

It sounds to me that you and him are on different pages. And you have to realize that not everyone is going to suit your every want. But you learn to love them anyways. If the bad outway the good, then that's not a good relationship because then you're not happy. And you may be in love with him. But just not at the right time of your life.

I have found situations such as these are often made difficult because we ourselves refuse to see key things that hint to us what course of action is the least painful and productive for us to take. I would enjoy discussing all the challenges your facing right now but that would take a conversation so instead i would submit this, we cannot change anyone. People have to choose to change on their own. From what i read it appears to me that you have been hoping for him to change even waiting. Yet he has already shown you who he is and he has openly declared that he is changing anytime soon. You stated your not sure if you can wait much longer... then why are you? Is your love for him worth more than risking not having a child of your own? You said he tells you if you leave yoru giving up and that you dont love him... guess what... you cant say hes stupid hes right. If you do leave your giving up this waiting, this mental abuse that your putting yourself through! and your also finally saying that no... you dont love him, matter of fact you love the guy who will treat you better, share happiness with you and lead your child in the same beliefs as yours. Does this not sound reasonable to have this wish? Who the hell wants to be miserable? and last i would say yes, it has been your home... a home that has driven you into depression, a home that has gathered bad memories for you and has been wearing on your health. Why not strive for a new home, one that you can build an amazing future and one that will last generations instead of two measly years? sorry for ramblin but thats what i would submit

It has not all been bad. I just dont understand, if i tell him I am unhappy why would he want me to stay? If he wasnt happy i would not want him to stay. but its his house. I would be the one leaving. I do love him

He's most likely super jealous cause he's scared of you cheating or just generally losing you. He cheated on you, this probably creates the perception you may do it to him, cause he did it to you. Even though you have done nothing to that effect, or anything to suggest you would. That's how some people are, just wanting their relationship to be secure from outside influence. From what you have said concerning marriage, it sounds like he's scared to commit to that for reasons that he states. Such as money, have a good state of affairs. Is your financial situation bad? If it is bad then the money is a valid criticism. As for good state of affairs, i.e getting along. Are you two not getting along already? Having arguments and such? That's not good. If you want a baby really bad, and soon are unable to have one you and your partner should have one, if there is not any major concern such as money or state of affairs. These two factors of marriage and a baby actually indicate to me he's scared of committing majorly to you. Marriage and a baby are strong long lasting commitments, that you can't easily over turn if your relationship goes hay wire. From what he said about you two not getting along may imply that he doesn't have much faith in the relationship lasting as it currently stands, it implies he thinks there is a big risk of it not working out. And with how sad you are, it doesn't seem to be too off the mark. Commenting on the religion aspect, is that a big deal breaker to you? Or is it just one of those imperfection preferences? I.e it would be nice, but isn't too important? It's hard to comment on going to the "wrong church" Logically that makes little to no sense if you're part of the same religion and have the same types of churches etc. But I don't imagine this is a big issue, just a minor hassle. I feel there is more wrong with your relationship than you stated here? Is there constant arguments? Is it more good than bad? Why are you so depressed? Is it soley dependent on this relationship alone that is making you sad? The fact of the marriage and child? Or is there other outside influences making you sad right now? Maybe if there are other influences is it really as bad as it seems? Or are those other influences just making it seem terrible? Focusing on the relationship, does it bring you way more sorrow than happiness? If that's the case you should try to first fix these problems, some things like the child may be hard because of a financial situation. Financials aside, as long you two aren't arguing or anything there is very little reason not to have a baby unless he personally doesn't like the idea of having one. As for marriage some people have different attitudes towards, some see it as unnecessary, waste of time etc. You seem to have extreme distress upon trying to end this relationship? Is that because you fear the change it may bring in rebuilding all you have worked up for? Or is it more your vain hope for things to improve in the relationship? His argument of you don't love him if you break up is wrong. If you're trying to work things out, doing your very best to fix problems then you do love him, but if none of those efforts are being reciprocated by him i.e he's putting no effort in. Then it can't be helped. You can't just wallow in sadness forever because he isn't trying to fix problems in the relationship. In that scenario the best thing to do would be to break up. You'd be happier, as waiting around forever for him to finally put effort in aint helping no one. I summation, I think you should try to fix the problems in the relationship, if you can't and he needs to put in effort too and isn't, tell him that he needs to put some in, if not consider breaking up. Something has to be done, you need to be happier, living with this extreme sadness is not good. As for your question of being unhappy and him wanting you to stay. That's probably something linked to jealousy. He wants to remain in the relationship with you, cause you make him happy. He wants it to work out, however the lengths or efforts he does to achieve that is a different story entirely. It's more of he's attaching into you for a source of happiness, but he's not a source of happiness for you right now, so it's kind of selfish in my opinion. Hope that help in some way, I wish you the best of luck with your relationship and have a wonderful day :)

I have to agree and respectfully disagree with Dominic. Lets face it, challenges are apart of life and in a marriage if you don't face all the challenges any normal adult has, (finances, trust issues, all that) how do you expect your marriage to grow and gain strength? How can it even be called a marriage? To me the whole point of marriage is to face life's challenges with someone who's got yer back just like you've got there's. If challenge isn't what yer after in a marriage then thats called being single... Also there's good and bad in all things, (my opinion) so i would compare the pros and cons of your relationship and see which outweighs the other. As for him, your statement of, "If he was unhappy i would not want him to stay." is key.

(sorry glitch, me again!! :D) anywhoo, Your sentence is proof that you do have a sincere love for him. His love is a self focused one... PLEASE NOTE i didn't say "selfish" though both can be taken as a negative thing, the word "selfish" is often meant derogatory. He's "self focused" in this sense because he does not want to loose something he views as, precious, valuable, important. Now please understand im not referring to you as a "thing" but i am saying that sometimes we as fallible human beings view others as comforts instead of individuals with their own needs. Does that make sense?