My married son has a girlfriend

My married son has two very young children. He also has a girlfriend. This has been going on since last year. His too devoted wife kowtows to him and gets upset if we try to tell our son he cannot be married and have a girlfriend. His children are acting out because of our sons horrible attitude, behavior, etc. I never dreamed he'd do this to his children. We'd stay out of it if the babies weren't involved. Please help me. All I can do is cry. Help.

I sympathize with your situation. As painful as this may be. I'm afraid that if he is old enough to be legally married he is legally an adult. We all must choose who we want to be in life. Your concern and desire to help the little ones is admirable so this isn't on you. If your spiritually inclined I would suggest you turn to your leader or beliefs for answers. If not then i would submit you lead by example and are always there for those children. Again you have my greatest sympathies.

Sad as it is, you can only sit on the sidelines and watch. Your son's wife needs to really 'see' her husband. Her husband's infidelity is for her, and her alone, to realise and eventually accept. The same applies to your son who needs to acknowledge the damage it's causing his children as well as his marriage. You need to be there for them in a capacity which allows you to contribute rather than hinder. You need to be able to converse with your son, rather than argue with him. As grandparents(and harsh as it sounds)there's a fine line between being supportive and intrusive in this situation. Your son and his wife have to sort it out themselves. You cannot be supportive of your son with his current attitude, but you can be there for your grandchildren as you would normally be. Sadly, your grandchildren will be the biggest losers, no matter how hard you try to prevent it and regardless of what effort you manage to put in.

I am grateful to those who have pondered, then responded to my dilemma. Never dreamed my son would become such a selfish, emotionally abusive husband and father. He has a beautiful family, but will not end this affair with a married woman with 3 young children. Her husband is aware of the affair but continues to believe it's going to end. My daughter in law holds out hope my son will fall back in love with her. I've spent much time in prayer. We are devastated our son has become a stranger to us. Please advise.

There is no easy and direct advice anyone can give you in this. If your son has suddenly changed and has started acting this way, it means he is dissatisfied inside (for whatever reasons). You will need to find out those issues and try to solve them. As parents that will be difficult for you to get him to talk about. So the only person who can reach that place would be your daughter in law. If she wants him to show more interest in her than the other lady, she will have to change herself to catch his interest again. May be change her appearance, dressing style, attitude towards life etc. Ask her to act more bold and confident. Over the years probably she has become predictable for him, if so ask her to put in some unpredictability in her actions, reactions etc. (Here you both can guide her with those). These are for catching back his attention on her. As for the children, the only option is to have them with grandparents whenever possible so that they can observe and learn the right behavior from others around. You can email me on shivangisanghvi at gmail dot com if you need further clarification in what I wrote.

I think they probably want to explore all options before considering divorce (though divorce would be an easier option).

Sadly, my DIL will not see an attorney just to see what her options are. She is so afraid of making my son upset although he has a girlfriend!! It is my opinion that my son believes DIL would never leave him. This seems like the only thing that will wake him up, knowing she is seeing an attorney. Showing him what he will loose. He needs to realize he can't have it all. How did this ever happen? He was such a good husband and father.

And, yes, is is acting like a spoiled brat. He has become a completely selfish person. His happiness comes first. He's nearly 30 and he's become a stranger to all who love him. My sweet baby grandchildren are the ones suffering.

I've been doing some more think'in about your situation throughout my day and I wanted to add that I think it is extremely important that you do all you can for your DIL in terms of building her self confidence, her self esteem. Cause she needs to see that her mindset of simply allowing him to do all this is part of the reason but it also sets a horrible example to the children. I would suggest you ask her what is more important, setting a positive example for the kids or being so unflinchingly loyal to the husband that you can't see them and their mental health nor their future.