Husband has turned violent

I have been married 32 years now to the same man, He has provided me a home, transportation, medical, food, and some very nice things. I can only say I do love my husband, but I have always feared him, not because of him hitting me, or being abusive until last year. It was because he wanted his life different when others wanted him in a place they could control, especially his father. My husband had been gone for 3 and a half years due to the needs of the navy, they say now that occasionally a man falls into a situation that even under the regs, can't be helped, and that is what happened with my husband. He came back exhausted, distant, he was so seasick we thought he was going to spend his life in the restroom, when your balance gets used to having something moving under you all the time your body wants to make adjustments that are not happening. That however was not the main problem. His father had hoped he would reenlist and stay away from the area, He had taken a military leave to join the military, it was right before that recession in 1979, my husband is good at reading the signs, so he was coming back to his civilian job with more time than 60% of the current work force. I was never involved with union matters, so I believed that when an employer put you on a job you were to stay there until they gave you permission or put you were you are needed, I did not know how a bump worked, how a man could force others to work overtime in your place with less senority. Or your time gave a man the right to take a vacation in the time slot he wanted, or refuse a holiday work, My father in law told me this was all handled by family need, those with kids got first consideration. I was told this was the only way things could be considered fair by his father. I could see his logic and when my husband came home, it took two days for my husband to decide he did not want to remain on second shift, He put a shift bump in, The way its done is the lowest senority person on the job has to go to the shift being bumped to. In this case it was a very pretty blond that was also a single mother, she lived behind his father and when she found she was being bumped she came and cried on his fathers shoulder about his mean son was going to have to make her take a job someplace else because she needed care for her toddler and day shift was the only shift she could do that. When my husband arrived home his father landed in the middle of his son, yelling at him about being a man, a real man did not watch out to his own wants but considered the needs of the children, my husband said she is considered equal under the law and the contract, she also had to abid by the same rules. needless to say I was hauled into the mix, I told my husband until he could prove he would not cause other people trouble by using contract rights, he would not have a marital relation with me, I thought I was helping others and helping my husband be the better man. Then he had to have a tummer removed from his brain stem, it was done on an emergency basis. After that he was no longer just belligerant, He was outright defiant and rude, and was going to fight for anything he was due, People got badly hurt when all he had to do was back off a position he took, It scared his father so bad that the next time he felt my husband was taking a position he was not entitled to he forced my husband to back down with a shotgun, my husband retired six years latter. Two years after that he was working at a job out at the airport, when he was helping unload the aft bulk carrier of an MD10. it had been raining and when he stepped out of the aircraft. onto the loader he slipped and dropped about 25 to thirty feet on to the ramp. he rolled out like he had been trained to do in air assault training, with minor bruising on his back. 2 months later he was in and out of the ER and October the 24 2010 he lost the feeling in his legs, he had contracted MRSA in his spine, over the next four years he has been in and out of the hospital and rehab for complications. Last year he discovered how I got by without sex from him for so many years. I was in an affair with an old bf, I truly think my husband was just going to talk until he tried to humiliate my husband, then all hell broke loose, MY bf was badly mauled, my husband sent to a stress center for anger management, I was at home even more frightened when I realized even crippled my husband was not one that would compromise any more. We were not expecting my husband to be let out for three weeks and his father made a request of me to accompany a friend of his to a political function. I had done this request many times before, every holiday, Because my husband was always at work I had an escort provided by his father, His father said just because my son has to be the better man does not mean you have to be a nun. I have found out just how much my husband resented being the better man. I read in one of his computer journals, how he felt the last New years before he retired, we never forgot my husband was working, and delivered a couple of sandwiches every holiday when we were going out, that new years eve we did the same thing. Two very nice ham sandwiches on rye. When we pulled up he was waiting at the gate as usual, one of the people in our party was just kidding and said we will dance a couple of dances for you with your wife and make sure she is well kissed at midnight. I remember him turning dumping the meal in the trash and going back to work. I felt bad but I still; went and had fun. He said in his journal that one day he was going to be free of that dam shotgun threat, and that it should have been him, with me, he also said that one day he was going to collect what was owed him. Well I had just finished getting ready to go to the political function with his fathers friend. the passes cost 1500 apiece. when I heard the door open, I went out in the living room and my husband was standing there, we thought the center would keep him another week. He said you look nice and I told the truth, about where I was going, he said no you are not. you are with me tonight. he had his cane in one hand and he was way to calm. I went and called his father to cancel, but he said I was going he would come and talk to my husband with his mother, I turned and my husband said you are not going, I don't care what my father has to say, He said I owed 31 years and the note was due, I promised I would meet anywhere he wanted after the event and we would talk, he just said, I took off for the door he grabbed my dress and tore it off, He said then ok the note is not due latter its due now, It was not love, it was rage, to long denied, regret, and fury. The poor man I was supposed to go with tried to force his way in, My husband took him by the back of the neck and threw him face first into the drive, just as his parents pulled in, 3000.00 passes went unused that night. His mother was at a loss as to what happened, She is only now finding out what has been going on wither son and his father the last 32 years she thought it was my husbands PTSD all theses years that kept him away and working on holidays. His father was furious, yelled that real men did not do such things no matter what the provocation was, He was asked to leave. Over the years when my husband was forced to work, It was 256 consecutive holidays, had not been home for one since 1978, it was my turn to hostess the memorial day holiday, We had built traditions that did not include my husband, this one was different, he was neither working or under medical care, He inserted himself into the mix, It made his father very mad. I was supposed to accompany another to a club after wards, again my husband said no, the man stepped up and offered his arm, husbands father said I only made reservations for a certain number, and everyone saw the danger, My husband came up and offered a ride, The man said you did hear you were not invited and I took my arm away. My husband told him if he did not scram he was going to the hospital to get his arm removed from his rear. The poor man could not leave fast enough. My husband said the count is still right. when his father told him are you retarded, My mother in law tried to stop what came next, told his father he had a right to be with his wife, when his father slapped his son, and said when are you going to learn just because others get to you don't. My husband turned and answered as of now you will learn you have interfered with my life for the last time, and backhanded his father across the kitchen. The whole of the last two weeks have been terrible, his mother is getting the story in pieces, she is really not happy with her husband or me, My mother on the coast wont let me come home, she said I got myself into this now you better get your peace made with your husband, she said if your father was alive he would probably beat your rear. Today is fathers day, his mother wants to hear everything about what has gone on in the last thirty two years, first from my husband who has not offered his side to her. She has heard her husbands side and that turned her livid. She want a peace to be made, she told me today that I had better be willing to put up with being a real wife after everything that happened, I assured her that was my intent. I am so tired of trying to control my urges from being bi polar, or finding relief someplace else, in the arms of another man. I would prefer to go to bed and seduce my husband. I also don't want a repeat of memorial day on the fourth, My mother in law already told the same man I was supposed to accompany on memorial day to stay away because my father in law gave him assurances there would not be trouble again, I wont accompany him, I would prefer there was no one torn to pieces. My husband wont compromise at all.

Um...wow. so is there a question here or did you just want everyone to know what a terrible spouse you have been? Your husband has had to put up with years of emotional and psychological abuse from his father and from you. Did you forget that you are your husbands "partner"? You should have stood by him, supported him, not take off to a party with some other man while he is working. I don't even think there is a question here so I cant really answer it. But incase the "my husband wont even compromise" is a question (and I don't see how it possible could be one) yeah, um you should leave the poor man alone and just get divorced so he can finally find a person who for once in his live can give him the love and companionship he deserves. I hope if you do not divorce him that he will at lease divorce you but unfortunately abuse victims often stay with their abusers. And make no mistake that that is exactly what you have been, an abuser and 32 years is enough.

Yes I too remember a post saying her husband was in a critical stage etc. CTYANKEE, your husband has compromised for years together. There is a limit to which one can compromise and now he must have crossed that limit. Something breaks inside us when we cross that limit of tolerance. He will not change now and go back to what he was. While staying with him it will take forever to get to some level of forgiving you and getting on. In the meantime if you are saying he is violent with you and abusing you, its best to take a divorce for your own safety. The marriage has been deeply marred and the only way you can reach a peace point is by blindly listening to him and indulging him at all times. Stop listening to your father in law....its your husband you have to live with (in case you decide so).

Violence is never acceptable and I'll never make excuses for anyone's threatening behaviour. Is it possible he has post traumatic stress disorder? Another thing I wanted to say is that going outside your marriage never fixes the relationship. The best advice I can give you is to listen to your gut, have the strength to go to the police if need be. As soon as someone turns violent, if you allow them to get away with it, it makes it acceptable. It sounds like he needs therapy to work through some really tough issues. The most powerful thing you could ever do is the hardest thing. Ending a marriage as you know that it's destroying both of you. It's not as easy as it sounds but if you choose to pretend it's not happening, you will find that your life is full of dramas, negativity and sorrow. Everyone deserves more so get help with healing old wounds before you possibly create another, best wishes

Violence is never acceptable and I'll never make excuses for anyone's threatening behaviour. Is it possible he has post traumatic stress disorder? Another thing I wanted to say is that going outside your marriage never fixes the relationship. The best advice I can give you is to listen to your gut, have the strength to go to the police if need be. As soon as someone turns violent, if you allow them to get away with it, it makes it acceptable. It sounds like he needs therapy to work through some really tough issues. The most powerful thing you could ever do is the hardest thing. Ending a marriage as you know that it's destroying both of you. It's not as easy as it sounds but if you choose to pretend it's not happening, you will find that your life is full of dramas, negativity and sorrow. Everyone deserves more so get help with healing old wounds before you possibly create another, best wishes