Little trouble in paradise

I keep finding roundabout ways to do this, but in the end, it is all very simple. As many people (usually men, but a lot of women ow) I am divided between what's good in my life (and there is plenty) and what I wish I could be doing. Two of my best friends now have said the same: let it flow, it will all come to be as it should. It's difficult to talk about this with people in the flesh because I know I could come across as ungrateful, as I do have wonderful people around me in my family. For years now I have had to stop and let other people in my life take the lead. Whether it was to organise travel, or to find the main job and for me to follow. Indeed, the first and most violent thought I had when I met my husband-to-be was "I would follow him anywhere", and that was shocking to me, a driving force, a renegade and a roamer. I was a leader, and all I wanted was to be led by this guy, how could that be? To this day, I have lived with a constant, daily war inside me, between someone who identifies her good sides but acknowledges her constant failures, troubles caused, to all and to herself, and says "hush, hush, let them lead you" and on the other a proud fiery me, aware of her mistakes and limitations but also sharp on her achievements, her battle resilience, her conquests and philosophy. The obvious solution would be find out what you want and them work towards it, do it, and get your husband to be by your side and encourage you. But I keep coming up with ideas that fail or rather get distracted by other stuff happening, and, more importantly, my sense of responsibility towards my three wonderful wonderful kids, my animals, even my job, and now being aware that I need to let my husband relax a little so he can focus on finding a new job, all get in the way. To the extent that I don't even know whether I have a sure idea, or not, as they all get cancelled the moment I think about the consequences it would have on my people. What I'd want is for us to go somewhere I like and feel right and then find a way to sustain it, but you can see how absurd that is, even I can see it, but I just know that if he came along with me and decided to follow my lead, ways would be found. But of course he is responsible in a more conventional way ad says "we must get a job first". So everyday I just struggle with this in a small version: finding it hard to assert my will about how the dog needs to go out twice a day, especially now I am injured and cannot walk. How dishes should be washed, how clothes should be looked after. Every little thing... every day I have at least one drive a day, one moment a day, when I want to just leave, be alone. Two seconds after that I feel I would die if I lost my precious husband and children, but that momentary drive is so incredibly strong, and feeling every day just wrecks me. Just being able to talk about it helps, I will appreciate any commentary, especially an ongoing one, as when I did a bit of counselling it did actually help, I just couldn't afford it anymore :( I need to be able to ramble on about this, and get different perspectives. Is that ok? I am better than I was: this used to spark a downward spiral that would, in a matter of minutes, lead me to suicidal thoughts, which is why I was on antidepressants for a while and counselling, then stopped the latter cause I couldn't afford it, and the former because I felt I was becoming dependant and fuzzy, and I relish my lucidity. Those thoughts are far more under control, right now I just get these urges to go, be free, get a house just for me and my little daughter, my animals, and then the horror or leaving my husband and older boys behind strikes me and it all starts again. I want to stop it, find some peace. Thank you for reading