Why is she suddenly distant?

Firstly, I am a 17 year old male in college, Okay so there is a girl who has been in a couple of my classes for about a year now, I never really noticed her or talked to her at all. Then about 3 months ago I started talking to her a bit just in person and vaguely started becoming interested, but I didn't really think about it. Then about 2 months ago we got put into the same group together and we talked more, played around, and joked, laughed etc. I added her on Facebook and we talked a little bit, but she barely ever uses it so not too much. It goes on a bit like that for ages, until about a month ago things became more interesting, we started texting, flirting a bit too and eventually ended up spending time together in free periods at school every now and again, where we would muck around and being playful. Throughout this entire time and to this point, I always did ALL the work if it was Facebook or texting. She's much better in person. It was all going pretty well, and I was very aware that I liked her a lot, but I was spending most of my time trying to figure out if she liked me back. I overthink things A LOT and come up with some pretty negative things sometimes so I think I may miss the "big picture" every now and again.... Anyway I eventually asked her out to the movies, it was a really bad date, we barely did anything we did at school and it was kind of awkward, I wasn't very happy about it at all and was very confused/pissed off, etc. We didn't talk for the rest of the weekend... She also kind of ignored me for a week at school, we just didn't talk much at all, well I tried too, but she was very distant so I left it. Things went back to normal however. And it built up again until it got to a point where we spent all day in class on a Friday just talking, flirting, dropping hints, etc., and we had our legs on each other and even started texting right next to each other for fun. I also drove her home after school and when I arrived at her house asked her out to do something on the weekend, she agreed and we met up the next day for movies. Once again, movies were very "tame" nothing at all happened and I got the feeling not to make a move so I didn't, we just watched the movie... Afterwards however, we went and sat down and had a little bite to eat, it kind of went to how it is at school then, we were having fun and we were sitting next to each other very close while I played with her hair and it was kind of romantic. The week went pretty good and we ended up watching a movie during some free periods we slowly got more comfortable with each other and "it slowly built up" again, I ended up with my arm around her back and extended hands holding periods during this time. Anyway, I asked her around on the weekend again, she agreed, we went to movies again and then an actual dinner, movies were "tame" as usual, but afterwards it became more "natural" and I ended up walking with my arm around her waist sometimes, but she seems very awkward with things like that, so it wasn't a lot of the time. When she left, I sent a text asking if she got home okay, she said yes and thanks for dinner, she also said apologised for being bad with public displays of affection. Around this point here is where I think I may have screwed up, I said that “I like her a lot and would be honoured to take her out for more and also that it's fine, I figured that out and it’s okay, we can work this stuff out” something along those lines. I think maybe I jumped on the first chance of "emotional talk", she didn't respond badly to it however, she said she's cool with that and we talked a bit longer before she went to bed. This was last weekend and during this week, she has been very different, she has been distant, only focusing on school work, not staying for free periods, etc. It was bothering me a fair bit, but I didn't message her as it didn't feel right that I should, because of how she was acting. I feel I will look needy and she has been very blunt in person. Today has been the absolute worst. It was all school work, no play, I’m okay with that because it is exam week next week and we need to do this work. However, there were boys nearby playing games and not doing work.. She started looking at that screen, talking to them, spectating the game and doing exactly what she used to do with me, but to them! Even very low level of flirting! She acted COMPLETELY different!! All while I was literally sitting right next to her on the other side. She completely ignored me while she laughed and joked around with these guys. Even my attempts to talk to joke around with her fell on deaf ears, she basically ignored me and continued to have a great time with these guys while I sat there (well aware to her) wondering what the f**k was going on and feeling very shitty... I feel as if she has become very uninterested and is pushing me away, but I don't understand why... only several days ago she was keen, talkative, enthusiastic, and playful and we were both hinting at things along the lines of a relationship!! I've been thinking about this girl non-stop for the past 2 months now and some of her actions have bothered me really badly, but today is something else to the point where I feel sick and can't do anything other than want to talk about it. I have been refraining from messaging her something stupid because as I have had no relationship before and I think I may tend to misread things a lot I really value other people’s opinions and would be extremely grateful to have a reason that she is doing this. Right now I just want anything to ease the absolutely humungous amount of confusion in my head, I literally don't know how to think about this whole thing anymore, or how I should think about it....... Sorry if that doesn't make too much sense or is jumbled around... I'm just writing what's on my mind and I need help. So hopefully that gives you an idea of the situation... I have a few ideas and would like to know what you think. Her friend added me a little while ago and made it apparent that this girl this whole post is about, talks about me a fair bit to her friends. So should I message this friend and ask if she knows about how this girl feels, or if she knows if she doesn't like me anymore? Well something along those lines anyway... See this is my problem, I don't know what is the expected thing to do here. Should I have gotten the message and leave her alone? Should I just completely leave it and see how she is in person next week? Or should I try and figure out what is going on. I feel like figuring out what is going on is mainly fuelled by my emotional state right now, the fact that my head is demanding answers, but should I resist this and act casual..? The other option is to text her something like, "Okay, i really get the message that you don't want to talk... But I don't understand why and it is bothering me so much... And as you know, i like you a lot and just want to know what's going on?" See that's what I really badly feel like doing... Sending that text... But I am refraining from it because as I said, maybe it is actually really obvious that she doesn't want me around and I’m just so obsessed with her that I miss the point completely... Or I’m coming on too strong and that’ll just reinforce the fact. NOTE: I literally cannot help being too eager, interested, etc. I have tried, and gave up, I just get too attached not to be… I do not broadcast all of these emotional issues to her, I act cool and don’t do lots of things to scream out insecure etc. These issues I keep to myself as I know they are not very good things to be waving around at girls. This whole post makes it seem like I am a creepy person, have no idea at all and have no friends. On the contrary however, I do have a life outside of school, I am a funny guy, nice, no enemies, get along with everyone, dress nicely, good hygiene, go to the gym, and even talk to girls okay. This is just the other side, the inside of my head, which is largely unstable on these issues and pointedly obvious that I overthink things WAY TO MUCH. So thankyou for reading this post, I’d much appreciate feedback, even writing all this has taken it somewhat off my mind, you see I just do not know what to do now. All I want is to fix this I don’t think I can do anything else until it’s sorted. ^^^^ Alright so everything above was 2 weeks ago. Things have been pretty much the same but seem to not be too bad, maybe even getting a bit better. So next to no contact outside of the class room, no texting, she doesn’t make an effort to approach me, however she doesn’t cold shoulder me either and she does know that I like her and want to date more. We have talked a little bit a couple of nights on this online document thing for an assignment. We were joking around a bit and using emoticons, it was a bit like usual and it seemed like we both enjoyed it. Anyway, I have been wondering constantly what is going on and refraining from going into “Deep and meaningful” in text about it, because it really didn’t feel right whenever I typed it out… We haven’t really talked about it, but there is definitely something up and she doesn’t really want to talk. At least that is the vibe I get. School has just ended now and she is going to America for 5 weeks so I really don’t want to leave this on a bad note because she will probably forget about me/get over me, but she doesn’t make any effort or even respond to my efforts and I don’t know why. I don’t want to just confront her on all of these feelings either because I think I have come on too strong and fast, while she is at a slower pace and this would only reinforce my neediness and attachment when I might just need to back off??? Anyway, although holidays have now started, our group for this class (including her) has to rehearse and perform a presentation so I do get to see her again before she goes so I have an opportunity, but it could be dead now because well… The other day we were working on the speech, nothing hostile, we had a couple laughs about things, talked, but only within the group not 1 on 1. When she left to go home, I followed her and stopped her in the hallway and said something like “Hey you are going to America for like 5 weeks soon right? Well… I still want to do something before you go if you do too…? (Left it hanging a bit)” Then she kinda didn’t say no or yes but said she thought she didn’t have time and was pretty busy. I was a bit like “Oh.. okay”, she wasn’t rude, or hostile or anything, but pretty much said no. It was still left hanging and she called out “but I’ll be here at school next Wednesday”. (There is no class and she doesn’t make an effort to see me out of class I don’t know if she just felt bad or something…). The scenario didn’t seem too bad at all though, if anything it seemed to clear something up and I managed to feel good about it, purely because of the vibe I got off it (yes I do go off a lot of vibes :P). So I went back to the classroom and texted her 10 minutes after she left, stupidly saying “It’s just that I’ve been pretty confused as to whether you have been busy and what not, or if I did something… But if you’ve just got a full plate then that makes me feel a lot better, just really wanting to clear that up, really sorry! I may just think too much :P”. Yeah… So… Yeah I really had an image in my mind of things being cleared up then. As if she’d text how sorry she was for being weird (I acted out of a mind state that I somehow got when I should have let myself think about it a bit first). It’s been 2 days and she hasn’t replied. So I have assumed that she has finally drawn the line and really wants me to leave her alone and have been struggling these last couple days to get over her, which is extremely fucking hard. We still have a speech to do and it’s going to be awkward as hell I can tell. What this whole thing feels like to me is that she was comfortable with me, we had fun, she didn’t mind going out. But as soon as I made it clear to her that I thought we were dating and that I liked her, she became distant. It would fit in perfectly with the fact that she thought we were friends and I completely misinterpreted the situation and now I am weird and creepy and she is trying to indirectly shrug me off because yeah, it’s weird now. I have thought of that a lot, but it does not make sense because although she didn’t say directly that she liked me, we were talking about when I get to meet her parents, and how she talks about me to her sister and friends. And how she said “It was so awkward the other day, my friends like pointed you out really obviously apparently!! Omg did you even notice”. Also I was jokingly saying how “but your dad needs to set boundaries and stuff, and I have to be like yes sir, I respect that, sir”. (this is all within conversations with her in person and none of this is any reason for what is happening, it’s just showing why I think she likes me). We were laughing and talking about things like that, while I was sitting really close to her, playing with her hair etc. Then she kind of accidentally said she liked me and it was funny, she said “Well, when my sister had someone over who she liked, he wasn’t allowed in her room at all” which I replied to with “Oh really so you and your sister set your own boundaries, well you better let me in your room”. None of this was awkward at all we were having fun and it felt fine to say this stuff. (just sayin). Okay so that is the situation, and I’m just going to clear up a few things because I really want an accurate observation of this whole thing. So she does indeed like me (or did at least), it makes no sense otherwise. She changed over the weekend of the last date, even though the weekend was perfectly fine, she reacted well to me saying I wanted to take her out for more dates and that I liked her. We texted the next day, she was enthusiastic in texts still. So it isn’t that… She has basically cut it off suddenly, even though we were both having a great time at being close to a relationship (we are both shy and new at this). I feel like I don’t even know her anymore she has cut herself off and I don’t know if it’s me or if she has made some decision or what…. It is so hard to confront her about it too and I don’t know if I even should, especially since she hasn’t replied to me.

Your over thinking the whole thing. She is wishy- washy flirting one day ignoring you the next. Not a good girl for relationships. She sounds like she just wants to have fun and not be too serious an because you want serious you are reading way way into every little text, convo, flit that happens between you two. Need to let this one go and focus on a girl who is ready to be serious with you.

Thank you for the reply... I thought as much, just focusing too much on one girl and got too attached too quickly. Is there a come back from this..? And if so, how?

I wouldnt give up just yet if I were you. From what you have explained about her there seems to be many factors which show why she becomes hot and cold. Firstly, ok, I know you said she was talking to and borderline flirting with other guys but apart from that, she doesnt seem like the kind of girl who has gone around. She seems like a pretty decent girl. Decent girls like that dont know how to show their affection. She may be hot and cold with you because she might be thinking you too are hot and cold with her!!! You say she felt awkward when you touched her waist and she even admitted to you that she is sorry if she doesnt show affection. That shows she is quite reserved. But that is not to say she doesnt feel the same back, she just probably doesnt know how to show it. If I were you, I would just ring her and ask her if she wanted to go for a walk or a smoothie. If she says yes, then when you are both together just tell her how you feel!!!!!!! Open your heart out!!!! What is the worst that could happen? She MAY say she is not ready for a relationship but at least that will put your mind at rest right? If you walk away now without telling her your true feelings then you will always be looking back at this episode with 'what if'. Just go for it!!!

I have thought so many different things about this. But the affection thing did not bother me in the slightest, it fit in perfectly fine with her as a person and believe me if it was something to worry about, I would have haha. Well I also thought that maybe I have actually been acting strange too and we are both confused... Which is why I told her that "I still want to do something before you go away". Which didn't go badly, but she never replied to that text afterwards. And she definitely isn't out there at all, she is as you say, reserved, and an inside person (from what I have seen). She has also never, ever, EVER dressed in any way that shows anything off, other than just tight jeans and a tiny bit of cleavage. She also wears near no make up half the time. She is very respectable in that area and I really feel like this is her pace. But I could be wrong. I have talked to a few other people about this now, and devised a plan (muaha), I only get to see her once or twice more, and in a working environment (rehearsing speech for assignment). So I'm just going to try and act as normal as possible, talk to other people, show I'm not desperate as best I can in such a short time, and then when we part I will confront her about this... Maybe even ask her to go for ice cream or something. Otherwise she is just going to go away for 5 weeks and I'll be wondering... And thank you very much for the latest reply it gives me a bit of hope and explanation even.

And If anyone else would be willing to give their opinions, I'd be grateful as I am a bit of an opinion hoarder. I really want to take the best course of action and am taking into mind what everyone is saying. Thank you!

Great!!!!. Telling her of your feelings is the best thing to do. Good luck and dont give up!!!! Let us know how it goes :)

So, I finally made some ground and I'll just update you guys... So, after ignoring my text for the weekend, we saw each other at school to work on some assignment and she was kind of well... Normal, and nice and even trying to have a bit of fun instead of the usual "work, work, and only work". So I just cruised with it, but it almost seemed like she thought I'd got the message, she'd made her point, and was now just being nice. Which, yeah, I think that was it. Anyway, so I ended up confronting her about my thoughts on the last day of school, I did not "spill my heart out" and tell her how I feel, I simply confronted her and told her how the past 2 weeks were bothering me, and I wasn't sure why things were different, and I hoped she had a good time in America. (Something along those lines). Which she replied to with something like, I've been thinking about it a bit, and I'm sorry, but I'm not ready for a relationship... But I'd still like to be friends. And that was that, no more contact now, I got my answer and will just start again as "friends". If she likes me and I like her, and she genuinely wasn't ready for a relationship. Then there is definitely a possibility down the track if that is the case. I'll just go with the flow and see what happens. The more likely thing though, is that I weirded her out/scared her off, when I made my intentions clear... Either way I will try start again as "friends". I like to think there's still a possibility, but not for awhile and in the mean time, I will get over her. Thanks for the feedback though guys and that's just for if you wanted to know what happened.

Ok. So, as I mentioned above, you now know she is not ready for a relationship. Maybe not the answer you wanted to hear but I am sure this has put your mind at ease now. She has not rejected you. She has simply stated she is not ready for a relationship. But at least she knows how you feel about her to some degree. And, at the same time this has made you reflect on your behaviour towards her, not that it was wrong in anyway, but it may have been too intense for her. Thanks for the update though. I hope you are feeling better either way.

On the topic of behaviour, yes I definitely can reflect and see where I went a bit weird. I can also say that it was 100% fuelled by thinking too much and becoming so attached, so quickly. This specific awesome trait of mine has screwed me on multiple occasions and I REALLY need to find a way to contain it. Anyway, luckily I didn't actually broadcast TOO much of this to her, I have learnt from this mistake in the past and tried to keep cool with her. Believe it or not, I was mostly pretty damn cool, calm and collected, at least in person, but after the third date I started thinking heaaaaps, jumped to a few conclusions, and that's what things went bad off. Something I definitely need to work on, any tips? Whatever the case, I'll try getting over her even though I'm still in deep... Getting over her is the only way to be relaxed and casual about it. And yes, thank you, I am feeling a bit better about it, if anything just because I got a straight answer from her that showed me she had been thinking too. PS: I may rant a bit and I'm sorry about that, I just type a lot... I am in the chat room thing a fair bit as frankie001 and always have something to talk about to do with (guess who). So maybe we could talk a little more there sometime as well, "K"?