She left because of things that arent true

My partner left me because she feels insecure... she said she has never felt insecure in a relationship before... I have done things in the past that have fed these insecurities and they have eaten away at her until it came to this.... first can I say that I love her with all my heart and ive wanted nobody else more and I find it extremely hard to believe i ever will.... she feels worthless and constantly thinks i want other women, which is so far from the truth... Ill tell you what I have done first and include an explanation... when I met her I was recently broken up from a 2 year relationship and before i even knew she was interested in me i started telling her about my ex and how sad I was, at this stage I was looking to vent, I had no idea she was interested at all I was talking to her as a person and not as a target... I had no idea that today we would have been in a long term relationship ourselves... this has never left her mind... how i felt for my ex (who cheated on me) another time I saw a girl i know who never really takes care of herself doesnt wear make up always wears clothes that dont fit etc... doesnt really take pride in her appearance... and one night i saw her and she was all dressed up and looked well.. so i foolishly made the mistake of telling her on facebook chat that she looked well and said she was gorgeous... to me who used to be really fat and ugly i always love it when people compliment me on my weight loss etc and i just wanted to give the girl a compliment... I grew up in foster care and i have a huge issue of not feeling good enough for anybody so i started keeping a memory box of all that reminded me when i sad or felt crap that there were times when i did feel wanted and loved... i have always had it sitting in a unit in my living room and now i see that it was flaunting my past in my partners face... another time and most recently I sent a few pictures of girls i thought were good looking to my friend, one of which had tried to add me on facebook (i didnt accept) my partner went through my phone and saw this and it seems to have been the last straw.... I completely understand where she is coming from, I mean i should be the one takes away those feelings, not do things to make them worse... she has it in her head that i dont find her attractive and i would rather she looked like these bimbos that i sent pics of... I love her so much and everytime she has a problem i fix it, i never need to be told twice... but the problem is that i keep doing these little things that need fixing when in reality i should just take the extra minute to realise that she wouldnt like it... I try every day of my life to help her in every way i can, emotionally physically, i told her she was beautiful everyday, always tried to include her if i was going out... forced myself to do the dishes and clean the floors etc despite having a quite serious back injury all because i know shes tired when she gets home and wants to rest... i feel like everything i do i do it for her and these things that happen i dont mean any harm, ive never thought while doing something, i hope she doesnt see this or i should delete this... i know she knows my phone password etc so if i thought i was doing wrong or i was one of those guys i would have changed it... im not a bad boyfriend im just stupid sometimes... but i love her so much and I need to show her this and make her realise that its only her, its only ever been her... </3 please help me get my baby back, these thoughts she has arent true, they are real thoughts but they arent true :( my heart is broken

I don't feel like Facebook is the issue... I mean... I didn't accept that girls friend request and since the first issue I haven't messaged a single girl unless it was a close friend... The thing I need help with is somehow showing her that she's priceless to me, worth everything and somehow show her that I can make her feel special and wanted... I never do anything out of spite or in a sneaky way... Is it not normal for guys to talk about boobs and hot girls ?? Like is it not ok?... Surely, well in my mind anyway, everybody is attracted to other people, or should I say thinks other people are attractive... It's what you do with those thoughts,

Or how far those thoughts go that matters???.... I mean if you don't take action on them and more importantly don't want to take action on them, then surely that's ok??? Am I being stupid??? Regardless of anything I don't think any1 is more attractive than her... I need to show her this... I mean when I broke up with my last gf I thought it's ok I'll find some1 else etc but this time the thought of some1 else makes me feel physically sick and that goes to show that these thoughts she is having of not being good enough are not true :(

Dear Samniel1988, I can see you really love your girlfriend. And that is a lot of jealousy causing problems between the two of you. One thing that made me stop for a moment and think about what you could be doing wrong was this comment: " Surely, well in my mind anyway, everybody is attracted to other people, or should I say thinks other people are attractive... It's what you do with those thoughts, that matter". Well for me when I am with someone I love, I do not feel attracted to anybody else. But I am a women, and I don't know if its different for men...I know other woman still feel attracted to other man when in a relationship but is not the same for me. Maybe not for your girlfriend. So it makes kit harder for her to understand you. One thing is to find someone beautiful, good-looking, etc. But to be attracted for me is, wanting to be with this person physically. And this thought may cause your girlfriend to be real sad. Think of how would you feel if was the other way? What if she send picture of hot guys to her fiends or told a guy on FB that he was gorgeous? There is lot of woman out there there are beautiful and they like when man find them attracted so they start flirting. I think is nice when a man put them in the right place. Is time for you to value the beauty you have had in your relationship, the love your girlfriend had for you, more than the looks of other woman. I am quite sure your girlfriend will be back if she loves you, and if you really insist, apologise and tell her how much you care. But before doing that, just make sure you are able to leave the good-looking girls alone and have a good look at the beautiful woman you have had by your side. I hope it works out for you!

Maybe my opinion will help you. I would have broken up with you too. It seems like you are trying to excuse yourself when you say that you didn't "do" anything with the other girls. you did do something with them. You flirted, you messaged, you sent their pictures to your friends. Now answer this, Why? You did answer this, you said because you found them attractive. Maybe you should stop being so vocal on who you find attractive. I understand we will find other people attractive even when we are with a special person but there is one thing to think it and another to say it, take pictures of it and send it to our friends. Not cool. If a hot girl walks by in a bikini and your GF is sitting right next to you, you may try to sneek a peek and think "damn shes hot"...I would be doing the same. But then think if a hot girl walks by and you stare, yell she is gorgeous, whip out your Iphone and snap a pic then text it to your pals. Sure you didn't jump on her as start sexual intercourse but hell, you still behaved pretty badly. so you see, there is one thing to think it and another to behave in poor taste that is both uncaring and disrespectful to your significant other. Let me put this in bold for you NEVER TELL A WOMAN WHO IS NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND SHE IS GORGEOUS. Think of this as if the woman in question was and employee, you would never tell an employee that she were gorgeous that would be considered sexual harassment....flirting. Treat other woman that are your friends like you would your male friends. Would you tell your male friends they are gorgeous? No. You would see them as people only. You kept making bad choices and thinking only of your own self when you made the choices. You certainly were not thinking of your girlfriend when you sent those pictures, or told another girl she was gorgeous. Maybe you should rethink your relationship, she should have been your priority, she was not your priority, why? Next time you get into a relationship make sure you are thinking of your girlfriend first when you make choices like those. And for gods sake stop worrying about how other people are feeling, worry about how your girlfriend was feeling. You say you were trying to boost that girls confidence, what about your girlfriends confidence. You built up another woman at the expense of your girlfriend, tearing down her self worth. So any way, not sure if that is how your GF sees it but I'm glad she didn't stay where she felt she was being treated poorly. I hope you can show her that you have overcome your selfish ways and are worth another shot. That you can put her first above all others because she is special and number one in your life and her feelings mean more to you then a few seconds of what ever you get out of talking about another woman's secondary sex organs (boobs), or the few remarks that your friends will give you about the photos you sent.

The story is whole lot depper than what I have said... There's parts on both sides that proves what you have said is wrong... But I phrased things the way I did so u could get an opinion on her side of things... I'm not excusing anything I know I did wrong... I should be the one to take those feelings away not fuel them... I could sit and play the blame game and try to justify it with all the bad things she has done... But that's not what I want to do because I have forgiven her ... Thank you for your comments

Smaniel if you want accurate advice then you should try to give accurate information. You say there are certain things on both sides that proves me wrong well since you are the only one with that info I will have to take your word for it. You say you have forgiven her but it looks like she has not forgiven you. I don't know what exactly you were hoping for in the advice department if you only give a small amount of info and then say "its a whole lot deeper then what I wrote here" and "there is more on both sides" but then fail to mention what that is.

And to clarify in case there are others who could get some help from my advice. It is not ok to comment on an other woman's secondary sex organs if you have a girl friend. its not just being "one of the guys" its rude to your girlfriend and disrespectful to her. It is not ok to send pictures of girls to your pals so you can both joke about how hot they are when you have a girlfriend. It is not ok to private message other women telling them how gorgeous they are when you have a girlfriend. If your partner has cheated on you, been sneaky behind your back, act rude or disrespectful towards you with others of the opposite sex or any one for that matter then you need to speak to them about it or get out of the relationship. Do not do hurtful, nasty things to get back at them or feel like "well they do it so I can do it". Its childish and it will lead to misery on both parts. Fix it or get out of it. Don't stay and make it worse.

The reason I gave that information and no more is because I want to make this about her, I have forgiven her for things in the past, and to me that's the past to me I don't need to bring that up again, I just felt like I was painting a picture of me being a complete a**hole and her being the victim of emotional abuse or something and wanted to let you know that wasn't the case... the advice I'm looking now is only relevant to this and it's what can I do to show her it's just not true and she is the only girl for me... It's hard to break habits and in my last relationships girls would have pointed out a good lookin girl if they walked past etc... Like I'm not playing a son story I know I've fucked up but I'm not ready to accept that it's over when I love her so much... I've conquered things for her that I wouldn't even have thought about let alone go through with... I mean I said to her that if it means her moving out and me starting from scratch and taking her on a first date again as two single people then that's what I'll do... I've been a dick in past and I know this one is the girl for me because for the first time ever I've found someone I care more about than myself and that's the truth... I just need her to realise that I'm the man for her... We get on so well like everything is perfect until one of us does something stupid not thinking... No1 ever cheated or anything properly serious it's just these little problems that individually are prob ok to deal With and they merge into a mega problem... I mean it's not like I sat and said she's great I wanna hook up with her or anything when I sent the pic I said something like "she's so hot" my thoughts go no deeper wether it's for a girl I know a celebrity or a random in the street... It's they are so hot then I forget about them for ever lol... I know it's my fault though and if I didn't I wouldn't bother trying because I would be all self righteous and think " I shouldn't have to change" or "it's her being stupid" and I guess it's taken me this long to realise she isn't just a jealous bi**h and realise it's because she was probably scared of losing me... Instead of playing the pity routine I've genuinely realised what the problem is and I want to fix it... I guess really I'm asking what I can do to help her realise I'm worth fighting for again... I mean I sent her a dozen roses to her work and all that typical gushy stuff but I mean what can I do to show her she's worth everything to me and she is gorgeous and she is special... My last relationship broke up and straight away I wanted to go out and drink and party and flirt etc this time I can't eat I don't want to go out and to be honest the thought of being physically close with another girl makes me feel sick in my stomach... I love her so much and I know if she lets me try to show her I can prove that she's priceless

I appreciate you're bluntness and honesty btw, like I said I'm not out feeling sorry for myself this is all about her and letting her know how special she is

ok Smaniel, I see. So my advice or what I would want if this had happened to me would be that I would want you to delete the girl off your phone and Facebook (the one you told was gorgeous)and keep only close female friends on, delete the rest. Then I would want a letter, maybe two. On how you have seen my point of view and that you could see how a woman would be upset by your actions. Promise to never do it again and then keep your promise. Tell her you were not putting the relationship first and now that she has left you realize that your future with her was worth more then a few seconds of male bonding over a skanky picture, or fluffing the self esteem of some random chick on Facebook. IF she does get back with you, understand she may be sore on the subject for a while. You may want to keep extra clean on the girl department. I would ask her what you could do, ask her if she could think of anything that would make this better what would it be. Time? You getting the girls off Facebook and other social media? Off your phone? What does she want? Gentle persistence, showing that you are for real and then really do change after may win her back. If she is ignoring you right now then send her and e-mail and a quick text letting her know you have sent the e-mail so even if she doesn't reply to you, your words may be sinking into her head over the next few days. Good luck to you. I hope she forgives and you two can make a great partnership together.

If I may offer my two cents... I've said this in reply to another post here, and my apologies if it doesn't help. Men and women are equal, don't get me wrong, but both are different. In our natural state the men had to be decisive and to make a decision. That decision had to be followed without question immediately. If there was a problem with the current leader, another male challenged him and took his place. Women needed to consider their decisions carefully, talk with every single member of the group, comb for information and be very meticulous; a quick decision wasn't essential, but the solution had to address every problem as far into the future as possible. This is where the two sexes fail to see eye-to-eye; NOTE- the rule above isn't always true, but it is a good guideline. Men will make statements, and women will prefer a more dynamic conversation. Neither strategy is better than the other, but every person needs to master both and use whichever is more appropriate to the situation. Men will often make statements, and women will perceive that statement as part of a larger one, and attempt to extrapolate. The men will then become annoyed that the women are "nattering" or "babbling" and things rapidly break down. Now, for your specific problem... Sounds like she's a bit immature, really; every enduring romantic relationship should begin with friendship. The fact that she was a friend and you confided in her about a previous relationship shouldn't bother her, and if she keeps going on about it that's unfair, so far as I know no one has a time machine to alter previous events, and honesty and full disclosure are essential for proper communication. The fact that she seems to be going through Facebook accounts and phone records is a bit strange, bordering on controlling. And you shouldn't be slaving yourself to help her, it's a team, which means both parties work together. Odd that she thinks you're not going to notice if another girl looks nice, it's a stereotype-but a true one-that guys WILL notice, just as women WILL notice a nice-looking guy, so long as you're not heavily fantasizing or being sneaky it doesn't matter, it's called being human. If you get the opportunity to talk to her again I'd say something like "I've tried to work with you, I've been as honest as is possible, I haven't excluded you and you seem to think I'm playing with other girls behind you back. If you can't accept I like you, ALL of you, so be it, I'm not going to exhaust myself further, but I want you to know your paranoia and lack of empathy is hurting me and causing me significant stress and emotional upset.' May not work for you. I hope something I've said helps, even just a little. Maybe copy out the text explaining males and females and give it to her?

COLDSNOWBUNNY.... this is the thing, I have done all these things, deleted people stopped talking to them, I mean this thing when I told that girl was at the very start of our relationship, i always make the effort to fix these things and i never have to be told twice, i do things stupidly and then once i see shes upset i dont do it again, the problem lies with the fact that these things keep happening!.... i guess if im honest, I make such an effort during the day to make sure she knows im not looking at anyone else, if a movie has a sex scene or a strip club scene or whatever i make an effort to check my phone or get up and make coffee, and really show her that im not interested in it... and i think maybe when she goes to bed and im talking to my male friends i guess i just feel like i can breath a little?... I know its no excuse but shes so insecure that one time she got annoyed that i was going to the pub to watch the football and i put on aftershave, i dont like feeling guilty for wearing aftershave or doing my hair or dressing a bit tidier than usual if im going out... I mean heres an example, this girl on facebook kept liking all my pictures (i deleted her as soon as it was apparant it was annoying my partner)but she asked me who she was and i told her (my friends cousin) now I had hooked up with her a bit years ago and one day she asked me point blank if I had ever been with her, I was torn between hurting her feelings and telling her lies... so I told her the truth, and she said \\\\\\\"you told me it was just your friends cousin\\\\\\\" and got really upset... what was i supposed to do when she asked me who she was in the first place?.... \\\\\\\"oh thats such and such i hooked up with her\\\\\\\"... why would i ever say that?..... and then she sees that as me being dishonest.... I know i probably sound like im making excuses but im genuinely not, I see her her way completely and i feel genuinely remorseful... I just maybe feel like she always assumes the worst and assumes it as fact when in reality I never mean any harm and she makes no effort to try and understand my side.... I love her so much I would never want to hurt her.... and what youre saying is true that its not worth a few seconds of male bonding... I think that maybe we are just two different people and think about things different ways... I do massive things for her that i wouldnt do for anyone else, last year we went on holiday, ive suffered from anxiety for 10 years now and 99 times out of 100 i cant even get a bus, I didnt want to go on holiday at all, not one bit, dont get me wrong i had a really good time, but the point is i did it for her, because i knew how much it meant to her... I think that after everything ive done good and bad, I feel like the good massively out weighs the bad and that maybe shes so negative that she finds it hard to focus on the good. I mean is this not what relationships are? fix and repair, compromise and understanding. surely the important thing is that i havent done anything horridly bad (cheating, getting numbers, abusing her) and that I always stop once im aware of how it makes her feel. the thing is aswell, i dont feel like shes making me change, or making me stop doing these things. I feel like I want to, i want i do it for her and our relationship... she never forces me to do anything, or asks me to delete the people, I always make the decision to because I want to make her happy and comfortable... for the first time in my life I have found someone I can say I would die for...

SANGUINEONE i saw it that way too for so long, and i think thats why i continued to do stupid things without thinking, regardless of what she feels and how stupid or serious it seems to a 3rd person the fact of the matter is. I should have seen that and taken it away, not fed the issues... and nothing else is relevant because of that!... I mentioned there I have anxiety, Ive used that to try and rationalise how she is feeling... I take panic attacks and think im going to die, i think im having a heart attack and no matter how many times i dont have a heart attack the next time still feels just as scary, the thoughts are irrational. now imgaine when that happened if she did things to validate those thoughts, said \\\"maybe you are having a heart attack should i call the dr\\\" it would make me a whole lot worse.... and its the exact same, both irrational untrue thoughts that feel real and have reasons to validate the thoughts... my anxiety thoughts (I have chest pains and cant breath) her insecurities (all the things i have done wrong) it is me thats done this, its my fault, I agree with the logic in your comment... but think about it this way, if you met someone and liked them and were talking as mates, and all the ever talked about was say, how good their ex was in bed or something, then you got together, their past shouldnt be part of it, but i bet you would always feel insecure in bed...

also, theres a few things i want to tell her but i think it might be a bad idea... so could i have an opinion on this?.... she thinks i want her to be thinner (even though shes a uk size 6) she thinks i want her to have ginger hair and be a wee punk girl and all this other stuff... a few weeks before I met her, I met a good lookin nice girl who completely fits that description, we were txting and talking and id kissed her a few times and what not... then i met her and instantly i was like, " shes the most beautiful girl ive ever seen" and the other girl was forgotten about completely... I wish i could tell her that, that i literally picked her over what she thinks I want or what she thinks she has to be to make me happy. but i know that it probably wouldnt go down the way that i would want it to... opinions?

smaniel It was sweet of you to delete the girl you had hooked up with in the past. Your girl friend probably saw it as a lie of omition when you were not forthcoming about who she was. Every couple should sit down and have "the talk" explain what they are and are not ok with. I had the talk with my boyfriend. I am not ok with him having old lovers on his facebook page or being friends with them. That worked out great for us because he didn't want me to remain friends with any of my past lovers. But if he had not been ok with is and had deep friendships he was unwilling to break then I would have known that we were not right for each other and having a relationship together would have ended badly. You two sound like you needed to have the talk. You may want to bring that up to her. That you want to start with a clean slate and have that talk now about what each of you feel ok will allowing in your relationship. I'm not sure if bringing up another woman that you had made out with in the past would be a good thing at this point. I'm sure she isn't interested in it even if you are trying to show her that you chose her. If you honestly didn't know what she wanted then I would tell her that. Tell her you are willing to find a place and behavior that you both can be happy with. How long have you both been broken up? If after some time and you telling her these things she still is not interested then she may just no be the one for you as much as it hurts to find that out. A clean slate for both of you and an understanding of what each of you expects out of the relationship and behavior in relation to members of the opposite sex is a good place to begin again.

Thanks for replying again... We kinda talked and argued though last Tuesday to Thursday... And then she left on Tuesday... I met her last night and spoke to her... I guess I thought if she understood that I actually got it now and I didn't before that she would love me enough to try again... I also know it was niave of me to expect that result last night... I told her I can go as slow as she wants even it that means taking her on a first date again and waiting 3 dates before she kisses me etc... Even if it means her still moving out and all that... But she said she's too scared to take the risk... A- incase my behaviour doesn't change B- incase how she feels doesn't change And then it would just make things messier... To me it feels like she doesn't love me enough anymore that our relationship doesn't seem worth the risk... I know I can be better, I don't feel like I need to change as a person, just the way I think... In impulsive I say and do things when really I should just take 10 seconds to think about it... I've genuinely believed that I've been giving her 100 percent I've never felt like a bad bf and I've always made the effort to tell her she's beautiful and tell her how amazing she is every day.... Then when something happens because I feel like I've been trying so hard I get defensive and annoyed because I feel like my efforts aren't appreciated and then we end up arguing when i should have actually just thought... "You love this girl she's not annoyed for a stupid reason and even if you think it's stupid just try to understand" and talk to her about it instead of getting annoyed and pointing out all the times I made massive efforts to justify it and defend myself.... Because that's turning it round to be about me?!?!?!?! And if she has an issue I should be helping her not trying to make myself look better to justify it... I actually understand everything now and my heart is actually broken I can't believe it's taken this long to see... I don't know how I've tried so hard and have "100" percent and still managed to mess up so bad...

We are going to try again :) right from the start we just mis understand each other... So first dates etc no staying together 24/7 and all that Thanks for all your help guys and hopefully I won't end up back on here :)

Well there is a lot of insecurity in her and all your thoughtful actions don't seem to be helping that. All the other issues stem from that insecurity. Why is she not able to trust you? Have there been other incidents where you have had to lie to her and she found out later? If so thats the root of the problem. If you are starting again, you have to start with getting her trust back. Thats not easy....it means you have to be open and truthful to her no matter how difficult the situation gets. Once she starts understanding that you will be truthful to her at all times, half your issues will get sorted. May be you both need to meet a counselor for help with the insecurity? Only after trust comes in any of your expressions of love to her will have any meaning. Steps to reach there could be, discuss all your day to day problems with her and ask her solutions. Try to follow her solutions wherever possible. Keep trying to prove to her that she is the most important person in your life. Tell her how she has changed your life for the better in comparison to your ex. Guys do talk about other girls but that risk can be taken either when they are single or they have earned the trust of their partner. In your case thats where it backfired. You have not yet gained her trust on you (with respect to other girls coming into your life). Until she feels confident that no other girl can take her place you will have to refrain from expressing compliments to other girls. Issues will resolve though it will take lots of time. All the best with the new beginning!