Stay or go paradox

Hey all, not sure if this will work, or if I'll just get rude messages, but here goes. Basically for the first eighteen years of my life I lived in Australia with my family there. To be frank, it was awful. Every single person in my immediate family has some pretty serious emotional/mental issues, including myself, and they all seemed to spend a great deal of time and effort constantly attacking each other, sometimes blatantly, a lot of the time very subtly. My mother, sister and I decided that we couldn't live with our Dad years and years ago, and she kept saying that we would leave for New Zealand. I lost track of how many times this was supposed to happen, but finally it did. I was so surprised I had to pack everything up the night before. I remember thinking to myself "I'm actually going... After all these years I can be alive for the first time." My sister is pretty erratic and random, decided she'd go back to Australia... With Dad that she's always said she hates. I don't mind him, generally... Unless he gets drunk and/or violent (doesn't happen too often, just a bit too much for comfort), then he's very difficult to evade. Anyway, not I'm finally in NZ, been here two years staying with my mother. I never realised how helpless I've been all these years. I didn't know how to function in a professional environment, didn't know how to organise myself or do any day-to-day tasks. I realised I'd been crippled. So I got going learning all these things I never even thought about. Done terribly at them, but I am improving... Sometimes, a bit. Now I find myself in a horribly familiar situation; I've realised while my Dad could be abrasive, rude and abusive, my mother's actually ten times worse. She used to say Dad always called her a "manipulative female" and would make long speeches on how he'd rant about how women were always manipulative. In my entire life I've met less than five females that were manipulative, and I'm sorry to say she's one of them. Everything she says is a carefully-positioned comment to push you into the exact position she wants, and it's all done so subtly, and so intelligently, not many other people have noticed (partly because of Aunt whose been acting as a kind of supplementary parent, doing a bit of damage control with me that I noticed. I commented on this, and she agreed, explaining the psychological motivations behind it, and how I could minimise its impacts on me). Anyway, I find myself spending almost every day at home, completely lacking motivation with a horribly familiar feeling of emotional detachment. I don't want to wake up in the mornings, I just want to stay asleep, because being awake means being aware of how fragile and weak I've been. And my mother is such a subtle manipulator, she knows every single emotional blackmailing strategy, every single depression button and she's so good at what she does it's almost impossible even to remember what she's like. Apparently, after much discussion with previously-mentioned Aunt, my mother wishes to cripple me in order to force an emotional bond of dependence between us. Now, for the problem itself... If I stay, I know I'm not strong enough to resist those effects, and I'll lose more years of my life to that feeling of nothingness, that complete absence of caring. I've put up with that for eighteen years with only the promise of leaving keeping me from just ending it all. On the other hand, there is nowhere for me to go; we've moved further away from said Aunt, whose house is already at capacity with a large family, and whose partner (not without reason) doesn't really like having me around. I know I have neither the skills, talents, finances or friend support to leave, and I would probably die or end up in some emergency shelter thingy pretty soon. I haven't lived very much, but the year I spent with my Aunt's family was the first time in my life I've ever had a purpose, a goal, and actually FELT something, not just nothingness. I don't want to go back to that grey void ever again. What should I do? If I stay, I need someone to buffer the effects of my mother so I can function. Presently I'm frozen in place, have no friends or family support. If I go, I cannot survive. Paradox, huh? Please post your replies, pity not appreciated, advice, similar stories or other angles of analysis appreciated.