Husband says I'm too sensitive

Ok, new here and first post. Background: I was in a 5 year relationship with the father of my 3 kids. He was very controlling and I lost friends and family and was not allowed to work. I thought it was all normal until the last year I got a job and supported us then realized that I was a victim of emotional abuse and control. I was the happiest in my life until I met my now husband. My ex is not involved in my kids lives. My husband has basically raised them since day 1. Our relationship was great minus the fact of his parents who did not think I was good enough for him because I had 3 kids, no career, and a deadbeat dad for an ex. To them its all about material and money and to me its about love. We were on and off a few times over 3 years and the last time he wanted to come back I gave him the ultimatum of gone for good or marriage. I was not going to worry anymore about him leaving me just because he was upset and had a bad day. Well, in hindsight, that was stupid. Don't get me wrong, for some reason I really am in love with this man. However, saying this out loud is a realization that this was not a smart decision. If that is how he is, then why stay with him and why on earth marry him?? Well, God told me to. Believe it or not HE did. I prayed for him and next thing I know I had him. (Beginning of the relationship.) The last break up I dated other guys and was very happy not to be under his thumb anymore. But I ached and longed for him. The man who continued to emotionally hurt me. I have a fear of abandonment because of my father, so I tend to be a little clingy I will admit but then I get over it. I have actually gotten much better with this. My problem is that when we fight, it isn't just a little tiff. It never is. Example: Last week he accidentally sends me a text meant for his friend that was describing in detail of sexy pictures I had given to him as a gift recently. Ball gag, nipple clamps, handcuffs. I completely stepped out of my comfort zone to let a close friend take these pictures. When I confronted him about it saying that I felt very disrespected and violated and I can't trust him with this again now, he blew it off and turned it around on ME like I was in the wrong for getting upset! He says: Well this is what guys talk about so you need to get over it. I'll just tell them you're a corpse in bed then if that's how you feel about it. Are you kidding me?!?!?!? So this is a bigger thing with my sensitivity. Minor things are him not telling me about something minor but he will tell everyone else. It hurt my feelings that if it was so minor that he could tell him friends and not me, that I must come in second to them. It feels like I will never be first with him. Anyways, I'm rambling and I apologize. When I am hurt, I cry but I am a passionate sensitive person. I don't just cry quietly. I cry while yelling and standing up for my opinions when I feel that he backs me into a corner even when I know I am right about something. We moved from everyone we know for HIS job and so with kids, it's hard to find a sitter or daycare we can afford or that I can trust. He constantly badgers me that we could afford more things if I had a job and helped him but he makes several thousand a month! I don't understand and I have recently gotten to the point of digging my nails into my arm just to feel that release. That is not a good thing and I am aware of it. I do NOT want to die and I do NOT want to hurt myself. I am just sick of feeling that I am nothing and that my opinion and feelings don't matter. Why can't I seem to find that strong independent woman that I was when I was not in a relationship? BTW, no I do not blow all his money and I am not a gold digger. When we first got together I had a job and he didn't, just to clarify anything off of his monthly income which only started earlier this year. any advice?

My advice is to get a job like you had before you got with him. It isn't good for you to be home all day. Personally I wouldn't have minded him talking about my pictures I would have been flattered and happy he was taking about my pictures and not some slutty pictures of a girl on line. but that's me. You may want to have told him that it was only for his eyes and private and please don't do it again but not make a big fight about it. At least he was happy to talk about how sexy he thought you were. You may be a little sensitive. The little things that he tells every one else and not you, try telling him "hey, I like to hear that stuff, can you tell me next time too?" doesn't have to be a fight. some times how you approach people can turn them off from listening to you. If you go up to them crying and yelling about how you cant ever trust them again it is going to cause them to become defensive. weather you are right or wrong they wont be listening any more. all they will hear is you attacking them.

@coldsnowbunny thank you for your response. With the job thing, I have been looking but it's been very difficult finding a job in this area unless you are a nurse or in the oilfield. The pictures he knew were for his eyes only. I know I'm too sensitive at times but I really felt that this crossed the line and when I found out who he was telling, I felt like I could never look them the same way again. I feel very embarrassed about it because it was out of my comfort zone to begin with. What's the point in having a sex life with one person if everyone else is now aware of the details? That's what is going on in my mind. I know its not the same but it makes me feel like I have been violated bc if I wanted everyone else to know about my body then I would tell them or be with them and not my husband. Does this sound crazy? Seeing it written down out of my head looks crazy but that's how I feel.

If that is how you really feel then he should respect that. Just make sure you tell him calmly. He sounds like the type to turn a deff ear when you come at him as "nagging" yes I hate that word too but that's how a lot of men are.

My mother was in a similar situation, although if I'm being strictly honest she was also a (minor) factor. I think you might be (and I mean MIGHT BE) a little confused as to what true love is. True love is being caring, honest and sharing things freely. It sounds like he's a bad egg to me, very emotionally manipulative, and whether he's consciously aware of it or not, he'd spinning you around a rollercoaster ride trying to keep you off balance so he can control you. He's exploiting your fear of being left alone in order to bind you to him, probably because it gives him a sense of power. In addition to my mother having a similar relationship, my Aunt, who has been a kind of surrogate parent for two years (fixing damage from crappy upbringing) was in two relationships that were fairly similar, one of which more than the other. The guy I'm talking about was really emotionally detached, possibly a sociopath, and twisted and manipulated things effortlessly so that people with strong emotions couldn't think clearly. The fact that he's exploiting and manipulating you sexually is a very, very, very bad sign. It shows he doesn't respect your sexuality, identity or feelings, and simply uses you for gratification. My advice -LEAVE -Get a life away from him -LEAVE -Tell him in no uncertain terms that you do not love him (your clingy feelings will pass when you get away from him and can get a clear head) and that he is hurting you. Try not to be emotional -LEAVE Sources of information; intimate knowledge of three relationships from different people with similar, if not identical, patterns of behavior. All people who finally got away from said relationships expressed relief, started to become a lot "better"-more personal confidence, less flimsy personalities-and wished they'd done so sooner. Oh, and a note about the differences between men and women (I've ended up writing this out a half-dozen times, make sure to read carefully, it may help you defend yourself from his manipulation). Men and women are different but equivalent, both tend to have strengths and weaknesses that make it advantageous to work together as a team. In general, men may be more decisive, making decisions more quickly and having a clear chain of command among themselves and others. This is to allow quick and undisputed decisions to be made, however when this is not consciously regulated or if the guy is a close-minded as**ole, he will often perceive (particularly) women who wish to discuss things as being overly talkative. This is usually a bunch of bul**hit, 90% of the time it's just a guy using it as an excuse not to listen, that said I've met one woman who definitely does talk way, way too much at the wrong times. In general women will tend to discuss things, get opinions from more people and analyse from multiple viewpoints. There's less chance of a mistake, but it can make some ladies indecisive. Some women tend to think that men are being abrasive (some of us are, and it definitely is used as an excuse by some) and just be aware men are more receptive to closed, simple statements that are left unambiguous, because that's the way we're wired NOT because we're stupid. All that said, if a guy refuses to listen to you when you're in distress because you're "overly talkative/emotional" I think the odds are that's just another form of manipulation. Try to remember that, it may help you a bit. Keep this information in mind, and get away from him ASAP, he's draining your self-respect and years from your life. Find someone you love WHO LOVES YOU IN RETURN. Love means passion, respect, honesty, caring AND FRIENDSHIP. I wish you well on your journey.