Sexting, unfaithfulness and family values

Hi, I'm 34 years old and my partner is 23. We've been together for 3 years and have a son together who will soon be 2. My wife has fallen out of love with me, due to boredom and general annoyance of the mundane day-to-day grind of life. She gets depressed and is not responsive to going out together to have fun. She has been unfaithful many times, usually via graphic sexting (hardcore pictures and videos) which have left me devastated. I have found out by cyber-stalking her and bugging her phone, which is a behaviour of mine that I feel terrible about. However, this constant cycle of discovery, confrontation, talking and making-up is getting worse and worse every time it happens. The latest instance, disturbed the neighbours, the police were called, I threw my wife out of the house, etc. I refused to let her back inside the house and the police told her there was nothing they can do. She then made an allegation of rape and the police arrested me :( All my friends and family have strongly advised that I should leave her, that she is a nasty piece of work. However, I love her, I'm addicted to her, I'm committed to my vows and I strongly do not wish to break up my family... I want my son to grow up with his mummy and daddy living together. In order to do this happily, I need to handle, manage and control my jealousy. I also need to be able to handle a young, hot tempered and unfaithful spouse who I choose to stay with. I would like to work on the relationship. It is my hope that she will grow out of it or that in some way, through my honourable and admirable action, she may fall back in love with me and respect me. We have decided to live apart for a while until things cool down. She's in the family home with our son. I'm staying with relatives. Any ideas please?

You are enabling you wife to behave this way when you constantly forgive her behavior. You have stated here that you choose to stay with her and not break up your family. Your son does not need to grow up in a house where the cops are called and his mother makes allegations of rape against his father. You want to stay through her behavior then accept her behavior. You know who she is. You know she cheats. You have chosen to stay any way. She is not going to change. not at this point. You have discovered and forgiven her too many times for that. She knows now that you will forgive and come back and she can do what ever it is she wants to do, you are not going any where. You say you are addicted to her. Addictions are never healthy. If it were only you I would say stay, the only person you are hurting is yourself but if you have a child then you need to get out of this unhealthy relationship or you and your spouse need to keep her sexual problems more under wraps and your upset with her (even though you know who and how she is and still want to stay with her) more discrete. You two need serious counseling if you choose to stay.

Yes..why bother staying if you are constantly dragged down by your partner's actions? If you state she doesn't love you,and you know this, then you know it's useless trying to resolve your relationship. You state you need to learn to control your jealousy?..I beg to differ. You need to learn to live without her for your son's sake. If she's a nasty piece of work then why bother being her whipping boy time and time again. And while you may want to work on your relationship, your wife will need to have that same need for there to be any success with trying to resolve it. Going by your post, I doubt that she has any desire whatsoever to go down this path. Her actions speak volumes for her absolute disrespect for you and your relationship with her. Grow out of it?...I doubt it.

Hi, Following on from my previous post, my relationship with my partner has ended in terms that we have both moved on emotionally (well she clocked out ages ago, but it took my a while to accept it was over). However, my problem is that she is still in the family home, where I am the sole tenant renting from the council. I am sleeping on my mum's sofa. She has invited two of her female friends to be lodgers. They invite male friends into the home whenever they wish. Our 2 year old son is in the middle of all this. I fear for my safety when visiting my own home, because I'm subject to confrontation and verbal abuse. I'm required to humble myself (bite my tongue etc) because last time there was a disturbance of the peace, I got arrested and was seen as the abuser (seemingly the only reason is because I am male and that females are seen as the victim). I feel powerless, homeless. I do not wish to feel helpless. I want to do something. Assert myself in a positive constructive way. We both have rights to the matrimonial home, but my legally wedded wife would love to claim domestic abuse at the first opportunity she can as this would give her a lot of power under the law: I could be denied access to my property and child, she could get her visa extended or her leave to remain (without having me sign it as her spouse). I want to avoid all confrontation. I want to protect myself from all false allegations. I want to do something positive and constructive (and stop feeling like a helpless victim). I pay all the bills (rent, phone, TV, council tax, everything). She works full time and has her girlfriend look after our son. She promises to contribute, but always has an excuse why the bills go unpaid (until I pay them, after all everything's in my name… I don't want to cancel everything, because I want my home and my life back). If I go home, it will be awkward and she'll be unreasonable, pick a fight and either walk all over me or claim abuse at the first sign of confrontation. I cannot legally change the locks or throw her out of the family home as, because we're married, she has Home Rights under the Family Law Act 1996. I have tried speaking to her as civilised person and she tells me that she is staying put until she gets her papers to stay in the UK (which could be up to a year… of me paying the rent but sleeping on my mum's sofa!!) If I tell the home office the relationship has broken down, they could deport her, but she' likely to get her stay another way: either as the main carer of our child (a British Citizen) or she'll claim abuse (her girlfriends have also advised her to claim that I abuse my son so that she can get even more rights and victim support). If I start divorce proceedings, she will no longer have Home Rights after the decree absolute, but the court has power to give her my tenancy and custody of our son. I want my place back (I've been there for 10 years, of which 3 she has been there) and I want my son to grow up around good people and for me to have a relationship with him.