Feel nothing, too much going on to focus

This is the second time I've posted here, I got a very simple but very good reply to the first post. Well, to dive right in... For the longest time when I was young I assumed I had no emotions, or at least, very few emotions. That all changed when I met someone, got to experience love at first sight (not true love, I know) and that sparked a realization that I wasn't so different from my other fellow humans. I finally left a really bad family situation, sort of, and I'm in another country. For the first time in my life, I woke up and had a purpose. I actually focused on one task, completed it, moved to the next... I felt more in those few weeks than all previous eighteen years. Now I've moved again, and am living with my mother, who came with me overseas (we were escaping a toxic father, sister was supposed to come, decided she wouldn't). Anyway, once I got here, away from my Aunt who helped me along for my first year here (self-motivation, job hunting, Karate, household tasks, philosophy, counseling) I started to feel like I did back home. It's really late and I'm so tired, so I apologize if my writing's not up to scratch. Anyway... I feel so empty, not in pain or misery, but just an empty grey void... I keep making excuses to put things off, and then don't do them... Time's flying past so quickly, just like back home, when whole months would go by before I noticed anything had changed. There have been a few things on my mind lately... First off it's possible that I may be suffering from some sort of illness/failure/injury to my brain, I have severe headaches on and off, and experience crippling agony for hours whenever I sexually climax (the first time I experienced complete sensory overload, everything went away for a few seconds before I adapted. I assumed someone had murdered me-not impossible with some of the people around here). I am going to make an appointment with a neurologist tomorrow, and we'll see what's happening. Some other things have been on my mind too... Apparently a bad combination of genetics from both sides of the family resulted in some strong predatory instincts in me. I have not acted on these, will not and am not remotely tempted, but sometimes I can feel them stirring in me, particularly if someone's being really nasty to me or someone I know. It mixes very strangely with the rest of me (very caring, perceptive, patient, empathetic, compassionate, I wretch at the idea of someone dying or being harmed, and I'm pretty much a pacifist, outside extreme situations). Mostly I find them useful, because I can tell whether or not someone's planning to harm me or anyone else (I can pick predators and creeps within seconds, in every case my intuition has turned out to be correct. This worked to my advantage against a would-be assailant once, at night. It was wise of him not to initiate a fight and leave. Quickly.). Some people sense it in me I think, my Aunt (mentor) certainly did. I can never thank her enough for her words of wisdom and acceptance, and she has won my eternal gratitude. I remember shaking for hours, in shock after I broke down the walls inside me and saw that part of myself. I never realized something so dangerous could be inside me. I know when I was younger lots of people took a while to get used to my very intense stare, unmoving eyes and expressionless face. I've practiced for years, and now people think I'm really charming and animated. Mostly that was just learning to express how I feel, at home I had to be very calculating and not betray any emotion in certain situations. Some found my stare disconcerting, but in reality I was intently interested in the person in front of me. This part of me allows me to enter into a controlled rage when I need the extra strength or speed, gave a training partner at Karate a bit of a fright, I think. Also good for moving women's suitcases ;). Overall though, that aspect of me doesn't phase me anymore. I'm used to it, it's part of what I am, and it's only a tool used to help me and the people around me. That being said, I learned after my first ever drink on my eighteenth birthday party, that I cannot ever have alcohol. It apparently erodes my self-control, and increases my aggression to dangerous levels even in small quantities. Another thing that's been on my thoughts is something from years ago. At home I went to school with a guy, actually he was in the year above mine. For the longest time, due to extremely bad depression and intense, prolonged psychological abuse from parents and sexual and emotional abuse by a rather unpleasant predator, I assumed I was incapable of higher emotions. I almost pitied the people around me, and felt very sorry for them being so fettered by emotion, and if I were to classify how I felt about others I would class it as "friendly sense of superiority". Sounds a bit weird, I know. Then this guy came along... I knew I was gay at this point, but I kept my mind rigidly compartmentalized and stayed in the closet. Only one person (the most awesome friend I've ever had, she is an artist and a radiant and pure light in the dark) knows I'm gay, or at least, she's the only person I've told. Anyway this guy was the most beautiful person I've ever seen, and I remember my whole world being filled with an odd ringing silence and golden light. I smiled, which really hurt my facial muscles, and despite by complete infatuation, babbling and erratic behavior, he was really nice, if a bit nonplussed. After crying, getting angry, going into denial, crying and getting angry again, I realized, slowly, that I was the same as the rest of my species, and that experience made me push past the coping mechanisms I've clung onto for so long and begin the healing process. It motivated me to make the final push to leave that awful place, and now that I'm here... I don't know if I'm better off. I feel so dead and lifeless, so flaccid (Freudian slip, I know) inside. It's exactly how I felt before I left. I only stayed in the other place before coming here for a year, and my mentor isn't here to help me. I know I'm going to fail her like I have so many time now, and I know she's going to be patient, that she won't lose her temper, that there will be nothing but good advice, profound wisdom etc, but I need a way to live on my own. I want to feel what I felt at her house, with my cousins (sometimes weird, sometimes wonderful, sometimes infuriating, but never boring), the neighbor's overindulged cat (was very compliant in letting me practice my massage skills for hours at a time) and that creaky old bunk bed in that spare room with the old silver TV set (resolution so low I couldn't see what the buttons were in quick time events). That elusive feeling of belonging, of purpose... Of getting up, and not just craving food to fill the empty space in your belly. Of feeling tired, PROPERLY TIRED at the end of the day, not just empty. Of going to bed, talking for a few minutes before drifting off, and waking up feeling revived. I want more. I refuse to live with only a few weeks of that in a lifetime wasted because my parents wouldn't raise me properly. I live with my mother here, and she... I can't make up my mind. She's manipulative as a way of covering up emotional weakness, but I should be intelligent and strong enough that it doesn't hurt me. I'm used to it, she's getting better over time now that she's out of that hellhole too... I don't know... So tired of everything... I also want to know whether or not it would be wise to communicate with that guy I met at secondary school, I really want to; I've written a letter, and even though I don't want a reply and won't make it possible for him to, I want him to know how he's made me a better person, and I'm so grateful for him opening my eyes, even without knowing it. We keep running in to each other, but now we're on opposite sides of the planet, that seems to have stopped. Had a few scares though, thought "No, that can't be HIM -AGAIN- can it??". Is this just a symptom of loneliness? Is it just because I crave a close relationship with someone that I'm forming an artificial emotional link with a random guy I was attracted to? There are other problems, but I can deal with them. These ones, though, are all a jumble, and I just need to write it down, and I guess I need someone's approval for my existence, in an odd way. Does anyone out there understand me, even a little?