Sadmum

I feel completely lost. I feel so alone. I feel empty. I feel numb. The hurt has cut too deep. These wounds will not heal. I've tried to mend them. I've put extra effort in. I just can't ever be what she wanted me to be. I'm not who she wanted for a mum. I'm not good enough. I'm not it. Never a loving card. Rarely a word of kindness. Never any understanding or tolerance. Just blame. Just blame. Where other mums get hugs I get disgust. Where other mums get respect I get told everything I did wrong by her & how I've failed her. I hear other Mums get told “I love you”. All I ever hear is “I hate you”. My girl even went so far as to look up browser history. She told me laughing how she read my entries which I've made previously to this site & she then proceeded to call me weak & needy. She says that she realises I needed somewhere to bitch to because I am just that pathetic. She has gone too far. I don't think we can turn this around. I want to. I try but it seems I fail even while i'm trying to please her. I simply can't make her happy. I'm the wrong type of person for her to be around. Detrimental it would seem. I can see so many images in my head of us together as she grew up. So close was our bond that it got envy from others around us. I do not know where it went wrong. All I know is that I lost her along the way. Life got too hard. I didn't handle things correctly. I never thought she'd grow up to despise me like this. To wish she had been given another Mother. I am now physically sick around her. I get rashes & my nerves are shot. I've given up on hoping she could actually love & respect me one day but I still hold out hope that she may come to like me again. She shows no tears, no remorse, no hugs, no nothing after a clash. I ache for her to care. She simply doesn't. She tells me that everybody hates me. Even the neighbours cat can't stand to be around you. I'm mental & mean spirited. She says “you are a horrible person”. What happens when you give your all to somebody who doesn't care about you? Who can I turn to? Everything I say & do is wrong & she turns away from me. We don't have much financially or materiallistically. All we've ever had is each other. It was my birthday a few weeks back. We were strapped for cash so I didn't get anything (as always it was just another day). I make an effort for my girl no matter how poor I am. Lets face it you always know when the birthday is coming around (same date each year) so you put a little aside for it. My daughter gets paid & she got a large tax cheque. I am watching her get everything she's been longing for. I would have liked just a card. A genuine card. A 'for my Mum' card. I've never had one. My own Mum was physically & emotionally abusive & I still would go out & buy her a card filled with sentiment for her special day. When Christmas came around I didn't have enough money for the ipod she wanted. So I sold my one treasured possession. I had a powder pink mix master. I listed it on ebay. It hurt to see it go but I had the fist full of cash I needed to get her Ipod. Of course it wasn't the one she wanted. I got it wrong & she acted like she hated it for the first few days & complained about the thing. Eventually in time she picked it up & started to play with it & then finally declared after a month that she now likes it. Well that same Ipod that I sold my mix master to buy was used by my daughter to tape me as I lectured her on her laziness. Apparently it is evidence for her to play to people so that they can see how bad her life is with me & what a tyrant I truly am. I sit here at 4.30am in the morning as I can't sleep. Her last tirade of insults has left me so desolate. I hear how she loves Jenny. She loves David. She hates me. I use to laugh & smile a lot. I was the woman who cracked jokes a lot. I was always so proud of my intelligent smart girl. I put all of my energy into her. Now I'm told to walk the other way & leave a rather large perimeter around her workplace so that her fellow employees don't see me when I go in to meet her or pick her up. I'm told how I'm an embarrassment to her as I've really let myself go. “We won't be taking that bus she says & will wait for the next one as I don't want my friend to see you & she catches that bus”. I put all my time, energy, love & money into my one & only child. She has broken my spirit.

You spoilt her. It not our jobs as parents to get our children to "like" us. It is our job to show them how to live, love, and respect. It is our job to raise them to be productive member of society so they can be successful in life. Don't buy her any more stuff. Don't pick her up from work. You need to teach her about the world and about life. People don't help those that can not appreciate what is done for them. you complain about a gift some one gets you guess what? no more gifts. You are rude to your ride home, guess what? you walk. You don't say how old she is. It is the job of a parent to feed, clothe and shelter our children. Ipods, TV, dessert, phones, all that is extra. She thinks you do so little for her and she is a grown up then she can start paying rent. You don't need her approval or her love (though you may want it) you need to raise a woman who is ready for the outside world. That is your job as a mother. So lay down some tough love and stop spoiling her.

She is manipulating you. Cut off the relationship if she is an adult. Stop worrying about her material wants. Go find yourself. You can't live you're life through her eyes. You will both see who needs who the most. Don't be her door mat. You give her power over you. You can't make another person happy. As parents, we do the best we can. No such thing as a perfect mother. Learn to be happy with yourself, and your accomplishments. If you don't love and respect yourself. No one will. Her feelings are no more important than yours.