BIG problems! Intimacy?

CDIDDY - Jul 31 2014 at 07:10

Member since Jul 2014

I am writing this post as I can finally admit to myself (and anonymous online users) that I am totally lost, my life is a mess and I have NEVER been entirely honest with anyone, including phsychiatrists/psychologists (I was diagnosed as bi polar a few years ago. Not a specific form but it looks like type 2). I have often wanted to be entirely open and honest and have every intention of doing so, but, whenever I get in front of anyone, I can’t do it. I apologise in advance for the horrible grammar/syntax. I am trying to write this as a stream of consciousness so that it is real. Apologies also, for some of the way that the thoughts are all over the place. I am 33 years old, have been married for 4 years and we recently had our first child (he is 6 months old). I love him to bits and I love my wife too but our relationship is very unhealthy and, maybe out of fear, I don’t think we have been able to admit this to ourselves or each other. As, in a lot of these situations, on the surface everything seems fine for the most part, but I know it isn’t, and I know that this is likely to be due to some serious issues that I have. Here is some background on me. I didn’t have a father until I was approximately 6 years old, at which time my mother married a guy who I am happy to call Dad. My parents were great, very caring etc. and sacrificed a lot for me. My Dad was however, very set in his ways and tried to in still a lot of old school values into me, including being very macho etc. He genuinely believed that he was doing the right thing. I have come to realise since then that my nature was a lot after than that. I was and still am very sensitive and get hurt very easily (on the inside). Outwardly I still appear as very staunch and macho. The times that I have tried to drop this persona I have ended up hurt and/or feeling demasculinated and that maybe there IS a way a man is supposed to be and it is to be macho etc. I know that isn’t the politically correct view anymore but we are animals after all aren’t we? Moving on. Until I was around 17/18 I hadn’t had a serious girlfriend. I had spent most of my time playing sport, partying and trying to hook up with as many girls as possible, quite successfully. I had my first real girlfriend when I was 18. I met her while holiday in Fiji and wanted to be with her. The following year she moved here to New Zealand and we were together. I gather that this happens a lot but, we didn’t really know each other so just filled in the gaps in our own minds, favourably. Inevitably, things turned to cr*p. Being with this girl made me realise a lot about myself including a lot of things that I didn’t like. On-going issue 1 I had always been taught that drugs were bad/smoking was bad and so on. My girlfriend turned out to be a smoker + had dabbled in various drugs. For some reason, both these things were show stoppers for me (I know it will seem silly to most). Since then I have been both a smoker (but not for around 5 years) and a heavy drug user using everything from downers, meth, GHB, acid E etc etc. (again not for 7 years). Strangely with the 3 serious girlfriends I have had since, I have always stopped using/smoking immediately and wanted them to do the same. This seems strange/wrong to me but I think it is something to do with those old ‘values’ but no-one else I know seems to have this same issue. Does anyone understand this? Does anyone have advice on this? On-going issue 2 It was also around this time that I started talking to girls on chat lines (this was the mid/late 90s). I thought nothing of it at the time and didn’t think it would/should impact on my relationship. Ever since then , I have used that line on and off until it got shutdown. I have also watched porn extensively, chatted to girls online, had some cyber etc etc. I have gone to get massages (I always have refused any happy endings as I would view this as cheating but still make sure that the girl is hot). I feel that the type of things I am into are not necessarily mainstream (not illegal or anything) but I am open to group, including guys, transsexuals, I love to be submissive and have very few limitations on what I will do. After repeated attempts to stop these behaviours, I have realised that it will not happen without help. Part of me (probably the addict) justifies these acts and thinks just keep doing it, it makes you feel good at the time, almost relaxed (I feel so dirty and ashamed a lot of the time too, not relaxing!). Another part of me tries to justify/minimise the actions saying things like, everyone does it, its not that bigger deal, at least you’re not screwing anyone else, it could be worse. Sometimes I even discuss these in part with friends; some tell me its ok just don’t get caught, others say to stop it but NEVER to admit it to her. Another part of me says can I change or is this just how I am. This part scares me the most. I don’t feel like I could live without my wife and son. He deserves to have a father and, despite what some of you might think of me now, I love them both. I feel like I am sick. There are a lot of issues there. On-going issue 3 – Me and my wife I met my wife about 11 years ago when I was out clubbing. She was with a friend I knew and another girl. They were drunk and we went out to the back of the club and I got head from all three. I took her friend home and screwed her in my car. This was the first time I had experienced this sort of thing (despite doing well with girls in general) and I was so excited, it was a new world to me. Eventually, I was in a relationship with the girl that I slept with and we were together for two years. I wanted to settle down and she still wanted to party. One day I just up and left and went on a drug fuelled bender for the next year. I became addicted to meth and things were just crazy. During that time, I hooked up with my now wife. She had other boyfriends etc. and I feel like she messed with my head a lot, lying and to this day I don’t believe some of the excuses that she gave me. We also had a three way with her and her girlfriend (and she assured me that this was the one and only time this had happened). One day, after I had broke ties with her, she ended up in hospital (I can’t remember exactly how I found out) and I was the only one of her ‘friends’ that went to see her. From that day she stopped drinking/taking drugs and screwing around. It turned out that she had slept with a guy that had given her some sort of STD. We started hanging out as friends and eventually were sleeping together on a casual sort of basis. She was still fun, sexy, and naughty at that stage. I was a bit more high strung given what had happened in the past and wanted to be sure that I wouldn’t be hurt so I acted in a way that meant she toned those behaviours down over time and became very ‘wholesome’ you might call it. She assured me that was how she always had been and that she had acted the way she had due to lots of issues etc. I don’t know if I buy it but she was young so I just put it down to that. I have had a lot of thoughts that I am just the guy that she settled for after she had had her fun (I am usually the other guy, the one that IS the fun) and that’s not a great feeling. Anyway, our sex life became very sparse even though she was into it and was open to new ideas. She wasn’t the girl that used to turn me on so much and she seemed to have gone from almost porn like in bed to innocent and I was really confused. Mainly confused about the sudden change. I had never experienced anyone changing like this before. Since then, probably 6 years ago, I haven’t really felt sexually attracted to her since. I have felt happy with her for the most part but she is not the same girl I met. She is probably better than that girl but not the same. This confuses me. I seem to be sexually attracted to certain girls and want relationships with others. Now that I say it, I bet that is a common problem but it is a serious catch 22. Fast forward I feel like a fake, then sometimes I don’t. I don’t think my wife knows much/any of what I have just written (apart from the bits that involve her). I am at a loss. I am to blame for these things and I don’t know what to do. I realise that I am selfish and that I should have dealt with these things before we had our child (I genuinely thought that I had though and that he would change everything). If I had decided to leave before, it would have devastated my wife and I know that without her I will become a meth addict again and probably just fade away somewhere. To be honest, what happens to me I think I could deal with but it the impact on others (my boy and wife) that gets me. I know most of you might be thinking that I am an absolute *sshole and believe me that is how I feel about myself. In my heart I am a good person though (it would be so much easier without a conscience).