How to deal with being in love with a committment phobic guy

Hi there, this is a common situation from what I have read online (and believe me I have read heaps!) I keep going around in circles thinking right thats it I've got to try and let go...and then I can't seem to:( Okay this is a rather long story... I got involved with a guy that I have known for over 12 years (he was like a firend/acquaintance) whom I hadn't seen for like 5 years! He texted me randomly last year an we kept contact via text with him occasionally hinting at us getting together. I wasn't in the right place to do that at that time as I was getting over a messy breakup with my childs dad (this was a rather abusive unhealthy relationship) in January I decided to invite him over so we could catch up, I didn't expect anything to happen I was just wanting to see him as a friend I think? I wasn't sure! Anyhow we hit it off really well...actually too well and it ended up us being intimate. (something I wouldn't normally do on a first date) anyway he texted me that next day he was happy as, after I said I wasn't sure that should have happened...he said he would like to keep it casual and see how it goes and was happy to keep seeing me...so we did for a while...but then a strange thing happened I started to really feel something for him...I was wanting to see him more and more which pretty much scared him I think..I don't think he expected me to like him that much! it ended up not so great.. I fell into the pursuing role (which I have never been in ever!) and I ended up feeling rejected and a fool, I told him sorry for getting so emotionally attached and that I guess I over estimated the fact I could handle casual..I'd never had a fling before and I guess I just can't have them..I took it really badly that he wasn't keen anymore..he never exactly came right out and said that he wasn't but he did send me some massive texts that were actually quite lovely...sort of letting me down gently..so anyway I walked away from it all with my tail between my legs and started to paint to take my mind off things...we had no contact for 5 weeks..I actually didn't think I would hear from him again..but he texted me randomly one night...and I replied the next day..to cut a long story shorter..it started all over again with us seeing each other and being intimate (yes I know i shouldn't have done that again but it happened) anyway we kept in contact via text for another month (yep he didn't come and see me at all in that time) he kept saying he wanted to come over but never did...he then mistakenly got told I was seeing someone else (which wasn't true) I cleared that up with him and we saw each other again...same thing happened except this time I kind of tried to ask him if this was actually anything? he said I'm sure you know by now it is something...okaaay so thats all I have ever really managed to get out of him because I am too scared to really talk to him on an emotional level after what happened all those months ago...I know it would seem to many I am just his booty call girl..but yeah its such a hard situation to be in...he texted me everyday for a month after that and was intiating over half of the convos, but then still didn't come and see me? but yet saying he still wanted too and talking of things like he would like to show me in the future etc....ummm that really confused me...he started backing off again thats where I made the mistake of texting (yep sadly texting! I resorted to that) him asking pretty much where this was going if anywhere...I chose my words carefully but yeah I pretty much got nothing back..a friend said to me just ring him and find out once and for all... so I did we talked...he is really hard to get anything out off but I did get that he is scared of being controlled (his ex was a scary control freak lady) and that he can only do slow...I said slow I can handle too but this!!! we don't see each other for like 6-8weeks at a time and we live in the same town!! we still text since that convo but it has cut back quite substantially..I let him intitate now and don't contact him randomly like a used to. I know it seems absurd for me to hang on that long for a guy but I really do have strong feelings for him and its hard to let go! He keeps coming back to me..one would say oh thats because he gets to sleep with you every time you see each other...thats true so far but surely if he was using me for that he would be coming around more often? I don't know...he is a shift worker and has a 5 year old daughter he has half the week..I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old so we are limited to the times we can actually see each other...he once said to me he didn't want me to think he was coming over at night cos he didn't want me to think he wanted us to just hook up, but never knew what time he could come around. He is an aquarian and I've read heeeaps about them he fits the bill totally. He is also a musician and spends a lot of time practising for his band. He makes me feel like he cares and is interested but his actions say otherwise. I would appreciate some help please! Should I let it go?? You can be as straight up as you like and I can handle the feedback.

Just to add.. I am friends with a few of his close friends...and I do know that he is not seeing anyone else. He also said to me when he doesn't see me (in person) its just him and I. (he has a funny way of putting things like quite often it seems like riddles to me but thats just him probably scared of being direct) We have sooo much in common and are both very much into music, art, and share the same life philosophies. We have talked for hours about all sorts of things and share the same warped sense of humour too. Arghhh to me it seems to make so much sense for us to see each other....but it seems as soon as we get closer he pulls back...help me this is so confusing. My heart is saying one thing and logic tells me actions speak louder than words...I have also read many a time...if a man is truely into you he would be with you. Is this really always the case??

He could have developed a control phobia which could be keeping him from meeting you. If you want to keep this going, you will have to put in lots of effort. Are you willing to put in the effort and the time? It could get pretty frustrating after a while. Ideally he should meet a professional for his issues if he wants to move ahead in Life or he'll be stuck in that place for a long while. Anyway for the time being what you can do is 1. Stop sleeping with him and restrict it to only seeing. Tell him that though I am so attracted to you, I am not getting any positive response from you regarding our relation. (might tempt him to open out his feelings). 2. Tell him that you heard a rumour that he is seeing someone else, is it true? Act un convinced for a while till he opens up his feelings for you. But, let me tell you, it will take a very long time for him to reach where you want him to reach. In the meantime your frustrations will build up and could affect the relation itself. So think well what you want to do.

Thankyou so much for your advice:) I actually did do that a couple of weeks ago (the saying I heard he was seeing someone else thing) yeah it actually didn't really go down that well...thats when he said 'when I'm not with you its just u and me'...but also I think it made him think of his past relationship where he had to explain himself all the time where he went who he saw etc... he told me about his ex being like this.. so yeah I think that has made things worse...since then he has really distanced himself..we have gone from texting every day to every 4 or 5 days now:( I don't intiate anything anymore...I'm just too scared to send the wrong message. It seems hopeless right now. The last text he sent was a few days ago and it was a nice text telling me he thought I was the most amazing artist he had ever met. (I think I believe he meant it...but then part of me thinks he feels a bit bad so is trying to make me feel better by saying something nice)gosh I just don't know. I don't even know if he will ever make contact again...I think me telling him my feelings for him was just too much. What I don't understand is if you seem to like someone so much why would them telling you how they feel be so bad? It makes me feel like I made a total mistake putting all my cards on the table. But I was just getting so frustrated not knowing where I stood. I still don't know. But to me it doesn't seem good at all right now as he is not contacting me much at all:( I read about a thing guys do...the slow fade...it seems like this is happening? that is such a gutless way to end things with someone. I really really hope he is not doing this to me. It is so hurtful...I would much rather someone be totally honest and up front. I really don't think he is a bad person...he has been totally straight up with me before via text so what I don't get is why can't he be now? It doesn't take a lot of effort to type a few things onto a screen. Sorry for this going on but its got to the point that I have over thought it myself and would like others opinions! Thats why I'm on here:)

I haven't heard of that Peter Pan thing but I get it. And yes it does seem that he is just doing the booty call thing.. Would it really be just for that if it takes him 6-8 weeks to come and see me? and in the meantime he keeps in contact we talk about so much (or is this just to keep me there?) I know I have totally set myself up for this kind of scenario for actually sleeping with him every time I see him. I do regret this. It has created this problem but I guess I just trusted him that he wasn't like that as he honestly does not come across like this at all. I'm so sick of feeling the way I am so no I'm not happy with it just being the way it is.. I am making the biggest effort to try and put it all behind me...and I'm not contacting him. I can't believe its ended up like this when a month ago I honestly thought it was going somewhere:( I know what happened with his ex (the childs mum) it was the woman after her whom he was with for 3 years that was the controlling scary one.. I guess it says it all when you ask someone to be straight up with you and they can't be. I will have to just come to the conclusion on my own that it was just about sex. Which means he is totally not who I thought he was. I will never make this same mistake again. I know if he ever was to come around (which right now seems like if pigs could fly) then he knows how to ring, text, drive around to see me. I guess some guys value their own freedom and pleasure more than a human being with feelings and emotions. I am a kind hearted soul and yes I deserve so much better than this crap from a boy that won't grow up. (having a vent!) Thankyou for your advice

Btw its been going on for 8 months. so not quite a year. Its felt like a game of cat and mouse for all these months. He gets close, he seems genuinely interested....only to pull back to stop things progressing...I end up getting frustrated tell him how I feel then he pulls away more untill we get to a point of not much contact...then he appears again wanting to see me. ummmm yep I know I have/had the power to change this but its happened now...and I care a lot for him so way to late now to protect my heart:( I know to some I might sound pathetic but it is really hard when you are actually in this situation.