Lost without him

Hi. I was with my ex bf for 4 yrs, off and on. I had some of the best times of my life with some of the worst times of my life. I met him the day he had gone to court from his wife of 25 yrs who was divorcing him. He did not want the divorce. Our relationship was hell for the first year or so because of that, but we stuck it out. He is a highly functional alcoholic, and very emotionally and mentally abusive. He was very cruel at times, but very loving at times too. He is the life of the party all the time...and he's very charming...woman are drawn to him. I have never been with a man that I was crazy about from day one. He could take me to the moon and drop me in the gutter, all in the same day...but, I would put up with it again to have him back. We had so many common interests...I've never been with a man that I had so much in common with...and I have never been with a man before him that I was as sexually compatible with. We had an intense physical attraction to each other. We have been broken up for 3 months now and he started seeing someone new right away. I can't get over being with out him. I can't move on. I can't stop thinking about him and wondering if he thinks about me. I cry almost every day and every single night. I feel so lost without him that I can hardly work or function. My stomach always hurts and I'm a mess. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I regret breaking up with him now. I can't live like this much longer.

Dear Rocksann, I dated a guy a few years ago. We were engaged for a bit. He too was a lot like your ex. We had a very intense relationship in which he was abusive to me. Made me feel on top of the world at times and suicidal the rest of the time. I loved him to bits and for couple of years after I broke up with him, I regretted doing it. And I was very much broken. I started to think no one would love me so intensely, so deeply. And here I am, completely glad I gave that up. I promise you Rocksann you will get over this. It'll take time and you need to allow yourself as much time as possible. Love yourself again and even though some of this will sound cliche it's true. You shouldn't be emotionally or mentally abusive, ever. It sounds to me as if it was always the extreme opposite end of the spectrum with your ex. Most of this hurt you're feeling probably comes from the fact that he started seeing someone right away. Honey, you did yourself a favor. His actions do not, DO NOT define your self worth. I know you're strong woman for putting up with this for years and trust me you will be even stringer when you recover from this. Its a slow process but know from now on you can do this and you've done the right thing. And also let me dispel this myth for you about common interests. It's nice to have common interest but it doesn't mean jack if you have 2 or 10 common interest with a person. It's easier to be with someone who's into the same things as you, but the person who tries to build common interest with you despite not having so many is someone you can be sure about, in terms of how much they want to be with you and how much they care. If you're not already doing it, take the time out of your day to do some yoga, and meditate. It helps a lot. Meet more people, not just to date. Meet people who you find interesting, who change your perspective on things, who are just fun to talk to. Get a dog, I swear they're healers and if you have to, why not go a head and start seeing a counselor or therapist. You have been through quite a traumatic experience and if you're thinking of doing it again then you're definitely in need of some guidance. Good luck on your journey to healing Rocksann. I know you'll make it just like I have.

Hi. I can only add a bit more from my own personal experience. I lived with my ex for 7 years and split for 7 years now. He too was emotionally controlling,cruel and deceitful.BUT !!! He was also wonderful,charming,life and soul of the party etc. he made me feel so in awe of him and I only saw that he was with me and it was exciting. After a couple of years the sexual side slipped and I was always so tired from working long hours. ( he didn't work as was on a care allowance). I felt he "got up to things" when I was working, and sometimes I came home to either another male it female "friend" was there. I let this go as I thought he was probably lonely when I was not there. He actually has a personality disorder so maybe you could look this up and if your ex ticks the boxes you will know why he was like he was. IT IS NOT YOU! You have to realise this. He targeted you in the first place because he saw your vulnerability and instinctively KNEW he could control you for his own ends. My ex married months after we split so imagine how I felt .it only lasted months but I was devastated he could marry so soon after "us". He tried to contact me but I was still very hurt and told him there was no hope for us together. But I did still miss him and the good times so a few weeks ago I contacted him and we met up (we live 300 miles away from each other) as I was there for a relative visit. He was very charming and attentive the first meeting and subtly derogatory of his present partner and I could have succumbed to the "sparks" but I held back and the moment was gone. The next day we met again but this time he was cooler and got quite aggressive blaming me for throwing him out and taking no responsibility for his actions. He once again made me feel worthless! So, I've decided that I can't go on like this. These empty feelings that I can't live without him that I need him to feel whole that I love him so much and yet he can treat me like dirt. See those words. Need him. Worthless. Empty. When you want him but don't need him. When you find your worth to the rest of humanity that will fill your emptiness And then you may find that "hey! I can be happy without him" And when you do you may not want him in your life again. Remember when he filled your thoughts and life and you forgot who you were? Claim yourself back. Meet new people groups and interests. Have a goal for you whether that be travel or study or whatever. I've realised that he can't make me happy. No one can. I have to make myself happy and then I will attract happy people to me who do not raise me up only to devalue me in seconds. Who are givers not takers and who see me as a person of worth. Hope this helps