In-laws and family

I am married and have two boys. I got on brilliantly with my wife's parents before my first son was born. When he was born and ever since, my father-in-law seems to have 'adopted' him as his own. He seems to have a special bond with him. He had plans for him, told us what presents to buy for his birthday, things like that. I didn't mind that much at first, but what started to get to me was that my opinions, or my wife's opinions didn't seem to count for anything. I didn't seem to have a say and no authority, in his eyes. On one occasion, when my son was quite young, he did something that really angered me on route to the in-laws and I told him that he would not be playing on the computer when he got there. I never really wanted him to get involved in computers as a young child; I wanted him to be interested in other things, but my father-in-law went ahead and set up all these games for him to play. Instead of just accepting that, as his father, I was entitled to give a small punishment to my own son, my father-in-law seem to get very upset about it, challenging me about it. I lost my temper a little bit and said a few things. That seemed to be an unforgiveable sin and nothing has been the same since. Later on, I wrote him a letter explaining very politely that I wanted to make the decisions and be the one who is in charge of my son etc. He ignored my letter. I have since been mortified by his discussions with my wife about what he thinks my son should study, what he should do etc. in front of me. Basically, he has repeatedly talked about my son and his life as if I am not there and as if I am irrelevant. On another occasion, the in-laws walked into our house just as my first son was beating up my second son. I dragged him away and the in-laws thought I was some sort of evil monster for breaking up the fight. It goes on like this. They think that the son shines out of his 'you-know-what'. For them, he is blameless in everything. I reluctantly allowed him to have a drum kit in my garage. The noise was terrible and inevitably, neighbours complained. Father-in-law was soon on the phone, saying how unjust it was. I told him I didn't agree, that I didn't want to annoy the neighbours anymore and that the drumming is going to stop.That was the second time I lost my temper. I was getting sick of being told how to raise my child and being invisible and irrelevant. My first child has always caused problems at home. He was no fun as a baby or toddler and I thought that this was how things are with children, although he never seemed to act like other children. At his own request and after admitting to weird thoughts at the age of 16/17, my son wanted to see someone about his mental health. After a lot of tests and discussion, there has now been a diagnosis of mild Aspergers. This diagnosis makes perfect sense but his in-laws have never been told about it. We just know that they would not believe it or accept it. My wife wants to 'protect' them from the diagnosis!! The contrast between my first son and my second son is huge. When my second son was born, it was totally different. I never knew that toddlers gave you affection, gave you their toys, wanted to be picked up, displayed great pleasure when given a birthday present etc. This was all new to me and I am so glad that I didn't miss out this time. My second son is 13 now and I get on with him so well. We laugh about lots of things and we played and still play fun games and discuss interesting things. Several years ago, he was diagnosed with M.E. but this hasn't affected his intelligence and humour. The father-in-law has always adopted the exact opposite attitude towards my second son. Again, he wound me up with 'taking control' but this time he only had negative things to say. He would shout at him at the dinner table and show absolutely blatant favouritism towards my first son. He thinks his M.E. is all an act - he thinks he knows better than the medically qualified people who diagnosed his condition! No point in mentioning the Aspergers, as you can see. My second son has seriously fallen out with his grandad. He was shouting at him about something when I was away and apparently he told him to 'go to hell'. Whenever they come over now, he doesn't speak to them and stays in his room. They don't seem to care. They haven't made attempts to make things okay again with him. They ignore him like they ignore me. My first son passed a music exam at the same time as I passed a diploma that they knew about. They gushed congratulations to my son and said nothing to me about my achievement. I don't want attention from anyone, just normal interaction! I told them about a book that I had done that was accepted for publication in the USA. Father-in-law suddenly had something to do in the garden and mother-in-law seemed utterly indifferent. Again, just a 'Wow!Good one! You must be delighted!' - that sort of normal thing that people say to each other was all I felt entitled to. I had a real crisis over a decade ago where I lost lots of hearing in one ear. I got no sympathy - nothing, just a joke about 'getting me an ear trumpet'. It didn't seem like a small, jokey thing to me, seeing as I'm a musician as my job and my greatest interest. In all that time, not ever have the in-laws mentioned my problem or asked how I have coped with it. They've never asked about how my book is selling. I found it quite amusing once when I had to have a large dressing on my head when they came around. They didn't ask why I had the dressing on and they didn't ask my wife what had happened. I made an effort to make things okay and had a long phone call with my father-in-law. We were civil and we are always civil when we meet up, but he is still completely indifferent to my younger son and showers great affection on my older son. I really find this so odd! I find it incredibly hard to get on with my older son. It was easier when we got the Aspergers diagnosis because it explained a a lot. It explained why he is 'aloof' and disapproves of my jokes and general cheerfulness. He is like a wet blanket that puts out any spark of good humour or absurdity. Our holiday snaps always show him scowling instead of grinning - yet when he goes over to stay with the in-laws, apparently he's laughing and joking and great company. At home he is at his computer continuously in his room, detached from his family. I rarely see him, until I snap a can of beer - then he's down the stairs to have one and go back to his room. But at his grandad's and aunt's, he's all sweetness and light. I resent this! I resent this whole stupid situation, especially when his Aspergers mysteriously gets put on hold or disappears when he is away from home. We have to be careful not to muck about and generally have a laugh and a joke at home, in case it offends him. It would be nice if I could have some sort of answer to this. There's a seething cauldron of resentment in me and now and again it will totally explode if son1 gives me some insult or bit of sarcasm, as he does. A lot of my resentment is aimed at Father-in-law but I can't have a normal, friendly relationship with either of them. I feel like my territory has been invaded and I've been abused by being ignored, being seen as an irrelevance. My son1 is now 18 and this anger has been dragging on and on. Now that he is 18, he can do what ever he pleases, but I feel resentful funding him. It feels like I'm a cuckoo who has brought up and paid for a son that isn't mine and doesn't want to be a part of my life. He seems to belong in a different family and was adopted by the father-in-law not long after he was born.

Thanks for the response. I'm not trying to change son1 or make him love/respect me. He can do what he likes, but I am resentful of being ignored and treated like an irrelevance. I am amazed that son2 is an irrelevance to his grandparents. The truth is that son2 is a really intelligent, humourous and likeable person and son1 is hard to live with. But father-in-law idolizes son1 and ignores son2. If it wasn't for the extreme difficulties it would cause, I would have no hesitation in direct confrontation and speaking my mind. not being able to do this and carrying on with the pretence is very challenging!