My partners wants me to leave when his daughter comes over

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. He ha a daughter from his previous relationship who is nearly 3. He sees her every other weekend and I have met his daughter many times but the last few times he has hinted that he wants to spend there time alone together which I can completely understand as their time together is precious. But he expects me to leave our home for the day so he can be by himself with her. I've told him I shouldn't have to leave my home but he can't see where I'm coming from. I've suggested him taking her out for the day but again he doesn't agree. How am I ever going to build any kind of relationship with her and I just feel I can't even relax and be in my own home. Am I right in believing it's really unfair?

Hi Beckb, It could well be that she's voiced a complaint about them not having had enough time alone, just he and she. At 3, he's still her whole world. In the aftermath of divorce, both the alienated father and his kid/s can experience huge senses of insecurity about the strength and longevity of their relationship with one another. The father tends to express this by during custody visits letting the kid get his/her way far more than when he was live-in, for fear of upsetting and falling out of favour with the kid and jeopardising his/her desire for future contact. The kid also understandably sees his having moved out of the family home as a path on a far wider trajectory, i.e., that his having left the family could eventually easily lead to zero contact. Both being too fearful - or in a 3-year-old, incapable - to confront the issue and seek reassurances head-on, acting out and emotional manipulation ensues, with the dad either starting to, as I say, spoil the kid or to however subtly threaten the next visit if s/he doesn't behave him/herself, and the kid meanwhile either threatening the same or becoming overly clingy and reverting to appealingly babyish/cutesy behaviour. S/he may also habour fantasies of mum and dad reuniting, which can produce subconscious behaviour geared towards isolating him from you as much as possible so as to leave room for mum to work her way back in. Whichever, the dad will usually start over-pandering off his own bat or in response to the kid's petulance at not getting his/her way. So that could be what's afoot. Or else it could be that guilt on his part has kicked in, making him wish to over-compensate. All of that is understandable and is part and parcel of the new situation until such time as they both manage to find a new relationship footing. What is *not* reasonable, I agree, is him expecting you to basically do his bending over backwards for him in order to achieve it. I can see what he's trying to achieve: he obviously wants to enjoy time with her in a home setting - the most relaxed and 'normal/humdrum' venue possible - in order to speed up their mutual need to readjust and reinvent their father-child relationship - by which point the time will then have become ripe for her to turn her attention to building a relationship with *you* (which to do simultaneously is too much to expect of a mere 3-year-old). But his expecting you to vacate what equally is *your* home on a Sat/Sun as frequently as every single fortnight is definitely, without question, unreasonably OTT. Given this, I think it's safe to assume he's hit said stage of starting to panic and wanting to rush the natural process. Yes, on logical principle you shouldn't have to compromise your own lifestyle and wellbeing in order to improve/fix the alteration to his own. Saying that, however, a healthy relationship features team spirit, meaning - emotionally, yes you should be willing to assist him. But not to the extent he's demanding, no. How about a compromise - you having a day out (say, an outing or shopping trip with a friend or relative) only once per month? Is that do-able? That way, with his twice-monthly custody episodes alternating between days out and days at home, you'd be helping him without actually hurting yourself. ...Although, I have to admit, were this me, I'd box clever: I'd tell him I'd be only too happy to vacate the home every Saturday if I had something and somewhere definite to go and do, such as a gym or spa membership, only I can't possibly afford it so, that being the case, could he help me to help him by footing the cost? Sounds fair to me, doesn't it you? ;-) In other words, always view lemons as an opportunity; they make great lemonade! And then *everyone's* happy. :-) Do remember to stipulate that it would have to be a trial exercise only, with a definite deadline of, say, 2 months, with him prepared to have to re-think the set-up if you find it doesn't suit you. He should also be prepared to flexible if, say, one weekend you're too ill or tired to want to go anywhere. After all, if he's as much your teammate as you his he should want as equally (or nigh-on as equally) to protect his relationship with you, not just his daughter. Hope that helps?

I completely agree and when I am home with them I leave them to do their own thing, but now he is expecting me to spend all day out while he\'s home with her. I don\'t want to play step mummy or take his time with her away but why should I have to leave my home for the day?

Have you asked him WHY you being elsewhere in the house is suddenly no longer enough in his eyes?