New relationship, he cheated

I started dating a man in Nov, our relationship for me was uncertain. In Feb he cheated thinking the relationship was failing(his words). We stayed together and since then he has done everything I have asked to validate our relationship. I find text on his phone from women I don't know. Nothing of sexual/interest content but I am feeling that he is not being honest with me even after I asked him for "relationship transparency". He leaves his phone where I have access knowing I have looked at it in the past. Am I making more of this then I should or is he a player?

Without trust there is nothing. If you are not able to trust completely move on. When trust is broken things are never the same. No trust no true relationship. You will just be going through the motions. So it's all up to you if you wanna have a future without trust

If he cheated, then in his mind, the relationship was over. If he was determined to make it work, then why would he cheat? Frankly, if he justified his actions by stating the relationship was failing, then he should have ended it before going elsewhere. He may be a player, but you are basically an enabler by continuing this relationship after he cheated.

Given that he knows you're going to see these messages and indeed is even nowadays facilitating your ability to do so - it sounds to me like he's "treating you (slightly) mean to keep you keen"... attempting through under-the-table acts to make you want him and the relationship more than he suspects you do or thinks you ought, through trying to trigger into activity your sense of woman-to-woman competitiveness (so that you'll fight them for him, through him). His not wanting to actually cross that line again whereby you'd feel justified (to yourself) in going as far as DUMPING him (hence is behaving himself impeccably when it comes to the big stuff), these text exchanges are JUST ENOUGH to skirt that line between inappropriate and acceptable whereby you end up disquieted, insecure and clinging more tightly (to the point where he gains the greater sense security he's after). See what I'm saying? Less player, more sneaky manipulator...trying to gain answers without making himself vulnerable through the nature of his questions (that go, 'Do you REALLY love me and want us to stay together?' and 'HOW much?'). It's not exactly an acceptable or mature strategy, but it is a severely common one. But, yes, he's risking denting your trust even further if he continues this silly little game of his. You perhaps want to strike a balance between making your disapproval and zero-tolerance of this behaviour clear whilst also countering his insecurity and need to know. You could always try sitting him down and saying, 'Stop messing around with mere sausages when you have prime steak - steak that loves the very bones of you - right here!' (with attentive actions to match). If that doesn't work, however, then it's time to consider that maybe his insecurities go too deep for any mere mortal to be capable of assuaging. Hope that helps?

@ SOULMATE: Thanks! I think you hit the nail on the head. It makes total sense to me he has insecurities considering his ex-wife's infidelity before the end of the divorce. I agree these women service as a "security" of some sort. As far as me being insecure, I'm not at all. He is push me away rather then me cling to him. I will not tolerate a relationship with secrets. So how do I address this without admitting I have been spying on him? @ SUSIEDQ: I have no issue with talking with friends, we all have a past and I accept his. I feel he is being disrespectful talking with women (some he had relationships with) and not telling me. I would feel differently if he would simple say "Hey I talked to so-and-so today..."

You might also consider the fact that he may be having more untoward conversations with these women and then deleting the content he didn't want you to see. Then, he leaves his phone out, because he knows you'll snoop, but has nothing to fear because he's deleted all the evidence. I have had this happen to me in the past. While I don't believe that everyone does it, I do believe that it's a very convenient way to hide infidelity. My belief is that once someone in the relationship has cheated, it's damaged goods. They may be able to make their next relationship work, but the one they cheated in is almost never able to recover successfully. Hope it helps.

"@ SOULMATE: Thanks! I think you hit the nail on the head. It makes total sense to me he has insecurities considering his ex-wife's infidelity before the end of the divorce. I agree these women service as a "security" of some sort. As far as me being insecure, I'm not at all. He is push me away rather then me cling to him. I will not tolerate a relationship with secrets. So how do I address this without admitting I have been spying on him?" (A reassurance coercion tool, you mean.) Ah! Yes, how DO you? That's a tricky one. Saying that, however, surely someone who really doesn't one their partner to look in their mobile wouldn't go and leave it so accessible? I mean, privacy is ones own responsibility assuming the viewer isn't trespassing. For example, you wouldn't parade down your local high street in the nuddie whilst repeatedly yelling at everyone not to look, would you. So I don't think technically you can call it prying unless you'd gone and got his mobile from out of a firmly closed drawer in his bedroom. You didn't, you made it clear he leaves his phone basically right under your nose despite already knowing full well it presents as too much temptation. So truthfully, his failure to have kept it safer in reaction thereby poses as an *invitation* (my original crux basis for spotting his little game). I also think he'd be guilty of gross pedantry if he'd even try to hold you looking at his text records equal to what said texts could suggest HIS crime to be. There again, if he's doing this for effect (to make you keener/less relaxed - an effect he'd know first-hand normally works given he was fairly recently cheated on in a major way), yet is failing on that score, why confront him at all? Why not pretend you haven't a clue who he is/isn't talking to? Given how it doesn't seem like he's actually two-timing you again (or else he'd want to delete ALL traces for fear of to where even a snippet might lead you back to concluding/deciding), I imagine if he thinks his little game isn't going to plan, he'll soon enough try to up his efforts, including more out in the open, whereupon you'd 'have him' without any admission of snooping having to feature. Give him more game-playing rope to hang himself with, in other words. I don't like using that word (snooping) in this context, however. Sure, you've only been dating for 9 months, and on that basis alone it could be called such. But that ignores the fact of his having attempted to manipulative you into deeper/premature attachment which, perverse as it might sound, goes a considerable way toward showing he views this relationship as a far bigger deal than a mere 4 months warrants, strictly speaking. (In other words, basically what his behaviour under this suspected hypothesis communicates is, "Hurry up, cease lagging and catch up to where *I* am!"). Leave the sausages/prime steak statement for later, then, good idea. Alternatively, since you ADMIT you don't tolerate relationships with secrets, surely the fact you "snooped" just supports this stance beautifully??? I mean, you could always claim you don't see anything wrong with looking in each other's texts records (because who *would* have a problem if they'd nothing to hide?). But you'd have to have priorly demonstrated the same openness with your own mobile to claim that. Have you? Were it me, I wouldn't give two hoots over whether my partner objected or not or tried to use it as ammo. I'd simply say, "Never mind THAT. One, I didn't look for the pure fun of it, I did it due to my intuition's urging, and, two, the fact I went and *found* something untoward just proves that my senses and urge were correct and I'm no paranoiac!'. I don't know, really, it's up to you and whatever you feel most comfortable with. As far as 'talking with friends versus talking with women'. Yes, I know what you mean. ORDINARILY any such complaining on your part could be deemed unreasonable, but NOT when in the aftermath of his having - fact - dallied. Context is always the key to judgment, meaning contrition and willingness to make bad good demands greater sensitivity and respect than normal... at least for a while... certainly longer than for 6 piddly months, so - case closed on that score: he should not be talking to women you don't know and trust, full-stop... not if he values the relationship like he's indicated and isn't a prize fool, anyway.