Keep messing up, feel so low!!!!

I posted in chat here a couple of weeks ago, I'm away from my bf and ended up in a sticky situation where I woke up in a guys bed and had little recollection about what happened. Upon reflection I did think he took advantage. I'm on the other side of the world from my bf and met up with some people I know, some from my home town and some I met through friends (they all know each other). My home town doesn't have a great reputation and a large amount of the people are involved in drugs. Long story short I ended up taking drugs when out with these people the other night. Something similar happened last year. I feel so ashamed, guilty and disgusted with myself. I've always tried to be a good person, steer clear of this sort of thing and make a good life for myself, yet here I am in my late twenties and seem to be going backwards. I feel I've let everyone down and can't imagine how my family/bfs family would react if they knew. I told my bf and as usual he's so supportive but he deserves better than this. I just want to be the person people believe I am but right now I feel anything but that.

Stop beating yourself up, stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop feeling guilty and start being grateful that you are still alive!. You have realised you have a problem where you are landing yourself in very dangerous situations so now you need to address them. You have messed up a few times now but only you can change your own situation. If you continue to do what you are doing then the road ahead is looking very dim for you so change it. You are the company you keep so start hanging out with better company. I understand a large amount of people in your home town are taking drugs but surely there are people (albeit minority) who dont take drugs! I firmly believe that we as humans make mistakes, some big some small and that is what makes us wiser because we learn from them. But, if one continues to keep making the same mistake again and again then you only have yourself to blame. Eventually, everyone will turn their back on you and you will wonder why no one is there. You have a understanding bf so be grateful and turn YOUR life around.

It's the people you knock around with who influence you to do things which leave you disgusted with yourself. In your late 20's you know what's what and if you know you hang with them then things can go pear shaped. Distance yourself from these people, because they can't be your friends if you end up feeling guilty and ashamed after being with them. The fact is, the only person you've let down is yourself if you've put in the effort to be a good person. If you feel your BF deserves better, then you need to start living up to those standards you set for yourself or be fair to him and walk away completely. Chin up and don't waste the person you really are.

Thanks guys for the replies. I can\'t really blame these guys,I shouldn\'t have taken drugs and should know better.I moved away from home a long time ago and never really associated with these people. I feel bad for judging them as they\'re not all bad. My own best friends from home who were never big in to drugs have started taking them on a regular enough basis since they came travelling. I think I may need to distance myself. I\'m so afraid of history repeating itself, my mother is a recovering alcoholic who has recently gone back drinking and I\'ve witnessed her having parties where drugs were involved. Its killing me to think I\'m not being a good role model to my younger siblings. I don\'t know how I\'ll forgive myself for this, sorry if I sound melodramatic but that\'s honestly how I feel.

Peachcakes, if you have seen this type of behaviour from your mother then no wonder you have followed a similar path. That is no excuse though and that should be more of a reason to make sure you stay away from this type of lifestyle. I am sure you have seen it through your mother that the outcome of leading such life, always has devastating effects. The fact that you have reflected on your behaviour and have realised it is wrong is a good sign. The fact that you have stated that you want to be good role model for your siblings is also a good sign. And more importantly, the fact that you are worried about history repeating itself is also a good sign. Sadly though, I think you will always have the devil sitting on your shoulder, nudging you to induldge in such self destructive behaviour therefore, although this may not be the last time you do it, do try to take caution the next time you do. Don't put yourself in life threatening situations where you don't know which man is taking you home because next time, you may not be around to tell the story. Despite what you have written in your post, you do sound like you are a decent girl who is trying real hard to follow a good path and I think you will, even if you do fall a few times during your way, don't give up.

Thanks guys. Thing is I didn't think I was following the same path. I've always looked at my mothers behaviour and this has given me more inspiration to lead a better life. I thought I was doing okay, great bf, recently finished a degree, come away travelling and then I pull a stupid stunt like this. Even my siblings are doing well. My bf is due to come back after finishing his career training and everything should be going great but now he has to hear the news about this guy. He knows about the drugs but not the incident with the guy. I chose not to tell him until after his training, he needs to focus on that. Just to be clear I know how I got to this guys house, there was a few of us going for a drink. I only had one drink more than what I'd already had in his house(I was merry, but not drunk) and the rest of the night is pretty sketchy.

Perhaps you should reconsider telling your bf about the incident that took place with the guy. I know many would say I am wrong for suggesting that but telling him could cause major trust issues and could damage your relationship. Do make sure you stay away from this other guy though. It sounds like he could have spiked your drink.

Thank you,but I have already told my bf about this incident. He's been so good about it all. If only I could forgive myself

Guilt is a very strong emotion. It stronger than love and even hate. Bottle up that guilt and use it for good. Although I think you are blaming the victim....you. Try to put yourself out of the situation and imagine it happened to someone else. Would you still blame the girl?

I feel guilty for the drug taking too.