Ex got in touch again after 20 plus years

New to this and cant talk to friends about it but feeling very sad just now. A couple of months ago my first serious boyfriend, from when I was just 17, got in touch again after a break of over twenty years where I heard nothing at all from him, not a dicky bird. He tracked me down on Facey. I was initially very taken aback but decided to be polite and friendly though I was mystified about why he had contacted me. He was always in and out of trouble when we were kids, which was partly why we broke up, but at the time it was one of those very out-of-control teenage things, we had both become slightly obsessed with each other. He told me he was living and working in London but had had some tough times, including a long stint in jail on a drugs charge - no suprises there ! To cut a long story short after some email correspondence/ detective work of my own, I found out he was in a relationship with a much younger woman and is living part-time in a smallish town in the north of England - which he hadn't told me about. I also found out from his brother that he has an ex wife and kids he never sees. I confronted him about his life and he said he hadn't sought to mislead me in any way but was hoping to be friends again. He later told me he was sorry we had broken up and that we could have perhaps saved each other if things had been different. My elderly parents are both seriously ill at present and my time is tied up caring for them. I also had a breakdown myself last year following a string of failed relationships/ coming to terms with childlessness. Two close mutual friends of both of ours from back then have since died, which has compounded the sorrow. I still have strong feelings for him - though I know what he is like. I've told him to back off for a while as I have too much on my plate. But it just feels that he wasn't seeking any genuine reconnection at all - it was just idle curiosity on his part. I am trying to let it go - but it feels like another body blow on top of what has already been a very difficult time. But it's so bizarre that he would even think to contact me again after so long. I would be grateful to hear anyones' opinion - men in particular, as they way you lot think has always been a mystery to me. I know I am probably seeking false hope - but I don't mind some honesty.

Im male, and i live by the belief one needs to learn from their past so they can live in the present to plane for teh future. Its not always easy but i can confidently say i follow that phrase well and its saved me a world of hurt. As for your ex, lets face it, theres always been moments where we may think back and miss aspects of our exs. However there is a reason they are called "exs" and though i would say 20yrs is enough that he would have changed and the reason you broke up with him is probably long gone, in this case its not. I can confidently say that because if after 20yrs he got back in contact with you after none whatsoever? That takes research and internal debate. Yes, its easy to say he found you via face book, but he probably didnt mention the other research he did. think of it, if you wanted to find someone in the past, wouldnt you be more detailed in your research to counter facts such as name changes, location change. The same research you did on him he probably did on you. My advice would be to tell him to leave you the hell alone. Thats the sign of a very mentally unstable individual. You can also tell by his history. The kinda men that dont vist their children are the kind of men that feel that their priorities are higher than cultivating their legacy. You said you had a breakdown partially because of childlessness, to him that wouldnt matter internally. I dont see how this relationship would benefit you in anyway shape or form.

Yep, Susiedq was spot and I also agree with keekay but would like to add. Your ex MAY just want to be friends or he MAY just want more but do you really want to stick around to find out? You also say you have feelings for him so chances are, when you both meet, old emotions will kick in, you both will probably have a few drinks and before you know it, you both will have spent the night together and THEN!!! watch the baggage/drama from his side also kick in. You are clearly going through an emotionally challenging time but mixing in with him will probably bring you down more HOWEVER IF you are ready for all the complications that WILL come with him, then yes, see him and just take it from there.

Agree with all of the above and would add, by way of explanation regarding what your 'heart' and mind are up to, this: You've been through still-ongoing tough times as a mature adult and are still feeling down. It's natural, therefore, to hanker after a time when you mostly lacked any real responsibilities and was more carefree... especially since your main connection with your childhood - your parents - are, you clearly have grounds to believe, gearing up to 'leave' you. This guy triggers a lot of connective memories, including of your parents when younger and more vital, so your mind is treating him as a form of time-machine on legs... a way to immortalise them (and yourself). Relationship By Proxy, it's called. This guy, irrespective of his grade, has merely highlighted a present need. Your solution would be to go onto Friends Reunited and try to re-spark acquaintanceships with other old school/teenage friends (or perhaps relatives you haven't seen since childhood?) so that you don't need Tw*tus Maximus here.