Depressed

So about two years ago I started school for aviation maintenance. I met some friends which is big because i don't know how to make friends. Well I made the mistake of not going out and hanging with them a few times a week because initially I would come home and study and not really do anything else. So I met what I would foolishly call my best friend. We would center our "friendship" around drinking with some political discussion thrown in there. So while simultaneously becoming deeper and deeper into the world of alcoholism I managed to also somehow become more boring and more of an outright asshole. I would come to meet a girl that was sweet and talkative which looking back now is great for me, but at the time I let embarrassment, jealousy, and the desire to be cool and have a hotter girlfriend keep me from falling in love with her. Over the course of the following next 9 months I did things that probably ruined her life and changed her forever. In the midst of this I managed to get a DUI. I have to say most of these things are 100% alcohol related. I started playing with a certain drug which I became addicted to. I recently quit that cold turkey which is easy because it is not easily obtainable. After each binge drinking episode i would find myself extremely depressed and questioning life. I would even have fear that I could not keep myself from grabbing the pistol out of the drawer and at least putting it up to my head just to see if I could. Luckily for me giving up is pretty fucking easy. Always has been. Finished high school but gave up on learning. Joined the Air Force and immediately had the desire to quit. I basically only finished my associates because... well I don't actually know why. I feel like my whole life my decisions have been influenced by others. I was going to work on a bachelors degree, but quite for some time, I've been completely unable to concentrate or take real initiative. For the longest time the only thing that actually brings me joy is watching comedy. I don't like anything else. My personality went to shit, not that I was the funnest person to be around before, over the last six months as I've became almost an exact copy of my popular but quiet and secretly extremely depressed friend. I say exact copy but he at least knows how to converse with others. I never learned because my family is crazy and as a young child I was taught distrust. Not to mention I married a woman that always do the talking for me. I really don't need ridicule at this moment and I know that I've been the biggest dick in the world, please I am on the verge of quitting it all. I just want to know if I'm as bad off as I feel. Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I have low T, or maybe its all just withdrawal symptoms. I do know that I am in no way being a man with any of this. I'm tired of being mean and being an outcast and being sad about things and not trusting anyone. I really don't know how much more I can keep my facade up.

Hi you are quiet hard on yourself.Life s full of obstacles and lessons to learn. From what you are saying you feel out of control and beaten down. Coming off drugs and alcohol will most certainly have an impact on mood/T levels/libido. the comedy is great the world needs it but.... You need to find your voice and a place to really get honest, psychotherapy, counseling of any kind, firstly see your GP they can refer you. They relationship you have with you is not kind. You are open to explore and it comes through your post, you feel disconnected and want better relationships with people, you have traced this back to your childhood and I think you might be carrying shame/guilt or something, you do things to please others and how you are seeing by others is important to you. Trust is what the good stuff in life is built on.... Good luck, start first by being a little kinder to yourself, don't give up,all this s telling you something, you are not living the life you are capably of, you know you are not inspired yet, that is why you are bored fed up. Take some time out for you, talk to someone and find the right support system, positive people. I wish you love, peace,and joy going forward in your life, you have already see the dark side, now make the choice to trust yourself to reach out, you deserve peace and a happiness.