Dating advice needed…… What am I doing wrong?

So here goes. I met this guy through an online dating site. Our first meeting was good, I thought he was sweet, talkative and slightly nervous which I took as a good sign that he liked me too. We arranged to meet up more, but i started to get doubts, because he was so over-talkative that I didn't really get chance to speak, unless he asked me questions, but I wondered if he was just a nervous type of guy so gave it more time. Its also worth mentioning that I had dated someone last year who I was totally into from the offset, and after seeing him for a while he decided to tell me he didn't want a relationship, just to keep seeing each other for sex. (Yes a complete douche, obviously i wanted to get out of this 'relationship' which was difficult as I'd already developed feelings for him, but managed to put my big girl pants on and get out of it). Since then, i've decided that my 'good guy' radar must be slightly off if I can misinterpret a guy so easily!! And have since decided to give guys a chance that I wouldn't normally go for - in the hope that I find a 'good one'. So I stuck with this nervous, overly talkative guy in the hope that he would relax more as we dated more - only he didn't. As I've already said, I didn't really get chance to talk that much, so I began to feel as though I was only seeing the side of him that he chose to show me - Was he being genuine? Do I trust him? Etc, lots of negative thoughts entered my mind. He also seemed to want to drive the relationship forward really quickly before my feelings even had chance to develop - it felt like he wanted to control the whole thing, he was so full-on in the beginning, he arranged all the dates and initiated contact. I also felt as though I was sucked in a little, because I'd lost my confidence from seeing the douchey guy, this guy showed me lots of attention, showed lots of interest in what I was doing with my life and basically boosted my confidence in him doing this. The longer I dated him, the more this side slipped though, and when I offered information about what I was doing or what I was up to, he changed the conversation back to him, and slowly I felt everything came to be about him. I've ended up thinking that the whole thing wasn't ever about me, and that his 'interest' was just a way of hooking me in, and not all that genuine. by this point I felt stressed and anxious so I decided to speak to him about this but he didn't put my mind at rest with his response. I've since called it off, because I just didn't feel comfortable around him anymore. My sensible head is saying i've done the right thing, but a part of me hopes he will get in touch again. I am slightly tempted to get in touch with him too, not that I will. This all happened about a week ago and I haven't heard from him since. I feel relieved to be out of what seemed to be a roller-coaster ride, but sad that I'm back to being single. Luckily, I didn't drop my guard too much with this guy because I wasn't ever sure of how genuine he was. However, I'm feeling so frustrated now. I do want to be in a relationship but always seem to end up seeing someone who doesn't really care for me! Help. is there something I can do differently when dating?! How can I filter out the good guys better? xxx

Before we even had speech and precise thought articulation, we human beans were managing to attract and pairbond (and procreate) quite nicely, thank-you. You have a large number of soulmates (if not, what with geographical distance and lack of transport back then, the human race would have long died out). Out of these, some will be ready, willing and able, whilst others not quite (or downright NOT). Depending on how paramount to you a primary relationship is, your quest is either to bump into one of the good ones or the best one for miles. CHEMISTRY - in the form of what you find attractive in terms of physical attributes (visual, audial, olfactory) - is the first clue Nature gives you as to his suitability for you and he producing the best babies possible. But then comes personality and how the chap got reared and lived life from there as shaped his innate programming (and whether those two things are compatible with your own setting/experiential shapers). As long as the chemistry is there to begin with, the rest is a numbers game. Never mind sweet, etc. DO YOU FANCY THEM? *That* is your starting point. Don't blame chemical indicator of potential suitability for the fact you eventually discovered your ex was sadly a tw*t back then. No-one's radar is that effective when it comes to how the guy at that point in his life chooses to behave and deal with things...which is why I know a psychiatrist who, mortifyingly, is married to a man who turned out to be a Personality Disordered Narcissist (OMG indeed!). You can't try to procure pre-guarantees of mental and emotional compatibility on top of chemical. There are too many subtleties of variables. You can't try to second-guess the box, you have to get INTO the box with him and operate alongside inside for a good while. Only the most obvious off-putters can be any sort of reliable guide. You - conscious you - may have lost trust or even faith in your inner animal's instincts and impulses. But IT HASN'T. All it needs from you is your relaxedness and non-interference. It knows what it's doing. Whether that's to find you Mr Right immediately or to first force you to go through certain experiences in order to come out the other side having learned lessons that'll render you properly ready, willing and able for when you DO bump into him, it's far cleverer than you, missus control-freak number 3-zillion-and-5. So butt out. Frankly. And let it do it's "thang". And that's why you hear your loved-ups saying, 'I wasn't even LOOKING!'. Precisely. Their inner control freak was so nicely distacted that their inner animal (and the bloke's inner animal) were able to get on with the important basics unimpeded (for once). Stop trying to contrive. Take an interest ONLY in men whom within the first 2 minutes (or certainly within the first 3 dates (to allow for nerves blocking receptors) make you go PHWOOOAR!!! The rest is just DETAIL - you and he just trying to ensure you can rearrange yourselves (if need even be) enough to always be able to get along 'up top'. But what will make you WILLING to not let things bother you too much, or willing to make compromises and self-improvements in that same way, i.e. what will make you think, 'I love this guy and the fact he's so talkative!' - is THE INSTA-ADDICTIVE DRUG CALLED CORRECT CHEMISTRY. Frankly, if you fancy someone enough (and assuming he's not doing anything critically offputtingly untoward), compatible chemistry would make you say even this: "The reason I love him so much is because, what with his two heads, he has FOUR beautiful brown eyes!". ...So all of the above is what you "do" when open to a relationship. What's more to the negative point is whatever you FAIL OR AVOID doing, e.g. not putting yourself out and about there enough. Assuming you do - again, from there, it's a numbers game. Back to this guy: what with Like Attracting Like, including circumstantially (and behaviour in aftermath), and him behaving like a wounded soldier still that bit too freshly off the battlefield (hence doing his own particular style of attempted controlling), I'd say Susie's analysis is utterly spot-on.

Thank you both for your replies. I did fancy Mr. talkative, looks-wise, but thought his personality too overbearing/controlling, which made me fancy him less. Unfortunately, his guard didnt drop, and so neither did mine. Like-attracting-like, I dont tend to let myself get fully involved in a relationship through fear of being hurt, and try to maintain control until I've sussed out whether he's trustworthy enough to get really involved with, but am more than happy to let this guard down for the right person. The guy that I did want to be involved with, who only wanted sex, i just jumped in with two-feet without even thinking about it - and I ended up finding out he didnt ever have the intention of committing to me, which hurt a lot. My chemical attraction seems to go for the narcissistic personality types, which to me spells 'its always going to be on his terms'. I want the chemical attraction, but I don't want to have to fight constantly for someone to commit, or for them to let down their guard down. I'm more than willing to do both of these things for the right person and it should be a two-way street - which doesn't seem to happen! :-( Im assuming what you're saying is that chemistry and this kind of behaviour dont go hand in hand??? I shouldn't base my theory of finding a different type of guy with less chemistry just because my previous experience wasn't good? And also that I should loosen the control-freak reigns in order to let someone in??

"Im assuming what you're saying is that chemistry and this kind of behaviour dont go hand in hand??? I shouldn't base my theory of finding a different type of guy with less chemistry just because my previous experience wasn't good? And also that I should loosen the control-freak reigns in order to let someone in??" Yup. And you might NOT attract Narcissists. It might simply be the fact you (and your Like) don't leave enough recovery time between relationships to come fully down from a state of chronic stress, which in anyone who copes less well than you, tends to produce a temporary mimicing of those behaviours typically belonging to bona fide personality disorders. Probably, the effect on you of starting another relationship too soon is that you over-accommodate, which power dynamic 'locks' and can be too hard to alter (because by then the needy-greedy guy won't give up his cushy deal without a fight).

Thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate it, im glad i found this site! Yes I have a tendency to jump into another relationship too soon, probably because I get lonely. A lot of my friends are in relationships, settled down and have children, and I guess I just feel a bit left behind. I would love to be in a healthy relationship! But at the moment I cant see the wood for the trees. The only guys I've ever dated are ones that are controlling, jealous and possessive. I hope you're right and that the next time I start a relationship it wont be with a narcissist! I've been in touch with an ex of mine who I was in a relationship with quite some time ago. We have to stay in touch occasionally as we still own a house together otherwise we'd probably have cut ties by now. I was angry at him for such a long time because of the way he treated me with his jealous and possessive ways, but have recently decided that I needed to let go of the resentment in order for me to move on. I decided to talk to him face to face about the way he treated me when we were together - I wanted to do this for my own sake rather than making him feel bad about it, but he was remorseful and apologetic. He said "I've been in relationships since, and didnt ever act like that with anyone else" - which makes me think, why me? What did I do so wrong? I had a lot of problems when we were together and tried to talk to him about these but his lack of emotional support made me feel worse. Despite this, I'm working towards forgiving him so we can be friends and I can move on. I think he still has feelings for me, and I feel a 'pull' towards him. I feel sorry for him that he felt he had to act that way towards me. However, I feel comforted because its familiar, and knowing that we're in touch with each other again, I dont feel quite as lonely. The thought of being in a relationship with him again fills me with dread because of his controlling ways, so I know this isnt what I want. But like I say, I am comforted by him being around... Its perhaps just the attention, and knowing that there's someone there who cares. Depressing thought that the person I'm comforted by is the person that caused me so much sadness...

I think it matters less whether or not you're in a relationship or temporarily single than having the right attitude whereby you do either of them *well*. You reap what you sow, after all. (Plus feeling left behind isn't the same thing as being lonely.) And it's good to have a 'mancation' (6 months at least, preferably a year) on the back of the breakdown of your last relationship, particularly if that relationship was what made you finally reach the end of your tether regarding having tried and failed to settle for anything less than your for-you ideal (or downright having taken enough sh*t). Reaching that stage is usually what mentally ensures the next relationship succeeds. So if you look at things under this light, you'll realise this might be the very last time in your life where you get to enjoy the up-sides of being single. Read that again and go, 'Oh, my god, yes, what if she's right?!'. Exactly...[wiggles eyebrows ominously]...Last chance saloon to eat nothing more fernickety than toast and Marmite for supper (prep time 10 seconds, cooking time 2 mins tops), completely hog the TV remote control, fart out loud (- I don't, but I'm sure you probably do, LOL), sleep like a starfish without someone snoring beside you and keeping you awake.... the list is endless. I'm not sure reconnecting with an is ever a good idea, though. I guess it all depends on whether you're thinking about it for the right reasons, combined with whether or not he's risen above his own past mistakes and wised up. Generally, that tends not to be the case when the man's behaviour had overall been VERY bad, but I guess you should be able to gauge this as pre-talks progress. I wouldn't automatically take it personally that he behaved like that with you. Why you, is simply because men aren't very well behaved when in DefCon and, as established, that's precisely when you tend to catch them. So is it your own post-Splat neediness that drives you to do that or the fact of theirs making you feel all mumsily-protective and mushy towards them and wanting to rescue the poor wee thing? Identify which urge it is, cut it out of your system next time (by finding something in other life arenas to satisfy that need by), and - voila - unnecessary complication as makes things too hard and fast-tracks the relationship to Splatville GONE! Alternatively, any ex might be a bit of (i.e. a lot of) a pillock who acts like he's in DefCon ALL the time, and simply isn't going to be willing to admit, that, yes, he does behave like that towards every women he has a relationship with, so instead feeds you that line as makes you assume the problem must be YOU. Put it this way: is he happily married yet? No? How queer... ;-) Keep him friend zoned is my advice. At least until actions (sustained ones) prove his claim of innocence-in-your-absence true. Meanwhile, sounds corny, but works: join a club. Just ensure it's one with an interest/activity you're madly into and the rest - making friends and quite possibly meeting your ideal soulmate - becomes automatic.

Hi Soulmate, A mancation is sounding like a very good idea right now. I've totally lost track of who and what im looking for in a relationship. A bit of me time (no farting obvs haha!!). And I think lonely because a lot of my friends have settled down already, their priorities are their relationships and not just hanging out. I have however got other friends to hang out with so its not the end of the world. Im a little confused at how you're using DefCon...Sorry its not a term im that familiar with! When you say, "I wouldn't automatically take it personally that he behaved like that with you. Why you, is simply because men aren't very well behaved when in DefCon and, as established, that's precisely when you tend to catch them. So is it your own post-Splat neediness that drives you to do that or the fact of theirs making you feel all mumsily-protective and mushy towards them and wanting to rescue the poor wee thing? Identify which urge it is, cut it out of your system next time (by finding something in other life arenas to satisfy that need by), and - voila - unnecessary complication as makes things too hard and fast-tracks the relationship to Splatville GONE!" What do you mean that men arent well behaved when in DefCon? and thats precisely when you tend to catch them? In answer to the second part of that though, I think its my own neediness that needs addressing. A part of me just wants to be taken care of. But how do I cut that out?? You're very funny by the way. The ex isnt married/in a relationship, shocker. Thanks, you're very kind in giving me advice.

DEFence CONdition, used by the US and the armed forces, 5 being calm/normal, 1 being outright war. When a body has been emotionally traumatised by a break-up following a hurtful relationship, depending on their personality, strength of mind at the time and how personally they took it (and nothing feels as personal as rejection by the one you love/wanted and tried to make things work with), they're usually left to whatever degree short on perspective, paranoid and overly on the defensive (ready to flee, freeze or fight - too ready to quit, struggle over making the simplest moves/decisions, too easy to antagonise). It takes time for ones ego to calm down and regain perspective, a more objective eye and philosophical ('que sera') attitude. It's worse when they'd been forced into the underdog position, the servant to someone's master, rather than it having been moreover an equal/equitous union. Ideally, after a period of reflection, one should learn from this to next time choose/accept based on all available signs/flags a more balanced partner with a team-player spirit. But if the underdog-ed person enters a relationship BEFORE they've hit that point of learning/realisation, he can express his still-negative attitude with a vow that goes: "No woman is EVER going to treat me like that again because next time I'll ensure *I* am the one with all the power!" By this time being master to their new partner's servant, all they're then doing is spreading the master-servant 'disease' (like a Mexican wave) through the relationship. Because obviously, this next relationship is bound to fail as well, whereupon THAT underdog-ed partner might go into HER next relationship with that same over-defensive intention. By the same token, a prior master, having lost the partner he did actually love underneath his over-protective behaviour and again entering a relationship prematurely, might go to the OPPOSITE extreme and behave TOO nice, OVER-accommodatory, thereby now ending up the underdog/servant position. Similarly, a servant might misassume they hadn't tried to please hard ENOUGH, making the situation worse. If they keep jumping into a relationship ahead of this epiphany, they're doomed to constantly swinging from one extreme to the other or having to go through too many relationships as they take an overly long time to cease ricocheting so extremely. Yes, your needing a relationship for company/friendship's sake is definitely going to have you agreeing to go steady before you and/or the partner concerned have 'come down' and the 'test-drive' properly completed. It's also going to put mental pressure on you to compromise your ideal mate criteria. If you've spent the time it takes to do a *comprehensive* test drive there is no need to remain so guarded (to the extent you implied, I mean). You cut that neediness out by ensuring your circle of friends are meeting all your platonic needs plus dating YOURSELF for a while...really taking good care of yourself, even spoiling yourself a little. Your mind then gets used to that high standard of two-directional care, whereupon any relationship partner failing to meet that quotient INSTANTLY turns you off (because you immediately feel the marked discrepancy). The very best attitude components to possess when embarking on a relationship (following the above expectation self-setting) is anywhere between "Hmm, dunno" and "Bleugh, men!" & "We'll see" and "Yeah, sure, promises, promises, I'll believe it when I SEE it!" (noting firm and sustained ACTIONS, not words). That way the man has to REALLY strut his stuff to turn your mind and make you fall in love with him, and for a sufficiently sustained period whereby it becomes his HABIT. Then, even once he naturally starts to relax that effort after the first year or so - having started from a sustained effort of 8 or 10 out of 10, the couple of notches his overall treatment standard drops to won't take it below 6 or 8. Voila. Man Behaving NOT Badly. I'll repeat the crux: a man should use his masculine powers to the best of his ability to MAKE you fall in love with him. That's how nature intended it. You shouldn't approach him ready to fall in love. Diff/all the diff.