I need help moving forward

My heartbreak stems from my own wrong doings but I can't discredit my feelings for that. Last summer me and my current boyfriend weren't doing great at all. We broke up and I met a guy a month beforehe was due for deployment. We agreed although we'd only known each other for a month we were gonna wait for each other. A little after he left, my now current boyfriend did a drastic change. It's like leaving him made him appreciate me. Never in our entire 3 yr relationship was he in love with me he only loved me but at that moment in time he was in love with me and he oozed it. Well we started back having sex again. The guy who left for deployment was scheduled to be gone for 8 months and the last 5 of those months I was basically cheating with my now current b/c I withheld that info.from him. I had fallen back in love with my current but also had fallen for this new guy. Fast forward to April of 2014 & the guy comes home. I was excited. I pushed my current to the side and it hurt him, it was in the way he looked, talked, everything. I was smitten with the new guy but I couldn't get my now current out my head. A month into him being home I told the new guy I now respected him more than I loved him and confessed to my cheating. He forgave me but told me to end all contact with my ex. Although I'd fallen for my now current my mind said "dnt go there, he's only changed b/c he can't have you to yourself, whose to say he won't change again once be knows you're locked back in for good". It was hard but I did it. Maybe 2 weeks later I was staying at the new guys house and was on his computer, I found out I wasn't the only female he was entertaining during his 8 month departure. He hadn't had sex with any but it hurt just as bad b/c sex was brought up, God was just in my favor b/c the females he were talking to weren't ready to have sex. Also, when he first arrived home he went to GA to visit his family. While away I complained we never really talked during his visit. That night looking on his computer I found out why... he had pics of a girl he'd took out and a gmail conversation between them and across the pics he'd created words. Stuff like "greatest couple" so whose to say he didn't have sex with her... or the other girl he had a pic of, which he was kissing... I'll never know. I was so angry but I didn't say anything. Some days later I woke up thinking about that stuff and texted my current. He's 10 yrs older than me and although as a couple we sucked, he was a phenomenal friend and matured me in so many ways. I asked him what I should do and he gave his advice. Somewhere doing the convo he apologized for all the things he'd done in our relationship that had hurt me so we had a deep convo. The new guy happened to wake up and snatch my kindle and read everything. At that point it looked liked I was lying and I'd never cut him off but I swear on the bible I did. After I confessed I'd cheated I never had sex with him again b/c I really did want to see where this new relationship could go. We fought and he went through my kindle and read old, OLD messages and broke up with me. At the moment I was ok with that only b/c I brought up his cpu and he's like "I didn't tell you about them girls b/c I was gonna let it die under the rug" I thought to myself he DEF. doesn't respect me more than he loves me. I confessed to him because I owed it to him not because I was walking around with a guilty conscious. I respected him and he deserved honesty from me. HERE'S THE JUICY PART !. A month before he got home from deployment I reconnected with my best friend. We'd been bf's since 6th grade. We were the real bf's , the kind that would go a yr not talking but when he did it was like we spoke yesterday. We talked about life and I told her about this new guy in my life. When he returned home I introduced them. She was my bf and he was my boyfriend so why not ! She kept saying how she was so happy for me. When me and him got into that argument the morning he went through my kindle I called her that day to discuss it with her. Hours on end later I call him to apologize for my actions(during the argument I hit him and for that he took my kindle from me which he'd purchased as a birthday gift). He accepts my apology then tells me my bf is on her way to get my kindle. I say ok and hang up. I think to myself, wtf, I haven't talked to her in hours, how come I never received a call from her telling me she was going to his home and the even better questions is how the hell did they get in contact with each other. He told me she called him and was on her way to pick my kindle up and I'm thinking how did she get his number. I call her and she says something, I guess since I randomly called her she must of thought I knew so she told me before I could ask to make it not look suspect. She brings my kindle over and boom that's it. A week goes by and everyday she's checking on me to see how I'm doing and I'm releasing. Part of that release was telling her I regret what happened then bam ! One day she texts me apologizing saying she has had feelings for him for a while. I start thinking bout all the shit I'd discuss with her, my BEST FRIEND and started piecing shit together. Like, when I was telling her stuff she prob. Was calling him on the down low telling him everything I'd said. So naturally I threatened to whoop her ass. She tells the guy what I said and he calls me talking about it didn't work out with us so they're talking. When all this was going down I received nothing but backlash from MY family. I was wrong for cheating but not one person asked how I felt about finding out while overseas other females were getting packages and not one person consoled me when clearly for them two, to start talking so quickly they had to have been talking for a min without my knowledge to even talk enough to get interested in the other. Through all this the only person who was there for me was my ex turned current. When the new guy came home I x'd him out but when all this shit blew up he was the ONLY one there for me. It's now 4 months later and our relationship is not doing so well. Not because of him or even I, it's just I've tried to let all that mess go but it won't leave. 4 months later and I still have dreams and thoughts about all that. I'm heartbroken about the girl more than the guy.I'd never been heartbroken before and I never imagined my first heartbreak would be courtesy of a best friend vs a bf. She threw away,an 11 yr friendship over amenities. Yea, that's rite. Ppl know their bestfriend and I know he was not her type at all. She wanted him for the things he could provide. He lived a lavish lifestyle and wanted kids and a marriage and she's ALWAYS told me, she wanted to marry a man in the navy. The sad thing about this part is I did wrong just like he did wrong but I strongly believe just because 2 ppl suck as boyfriend and gf doesn't mean they'll suck as friends. My guy bestfriend is actually the guy I dated at 16 and we ended terribly but as best friends we can't get enough out of hanging out so that leads me to say that I hold no ill feelings towards him. I still value him enough to let him know she is only with him for what he can give her. However coming from me it just sounds like I'm jealous so I never told him. On her end, I wanna point out the obvious. If he snuck behind my back and talked to you, my bestfriend, then there's a problem. That means you have to look at every angle before introducing him to any female, whether it be a friend or a cousin. But I haven't said anything to her b/c she deserves no warning. Never in my life have I ever looked at ANY of my best friends boyfriends, not even my daily associates ! I don't know if they still talk... I mean they better, she threw away 11 years for that. If they do I wish them luck but on my end...yea, I'm still upset. The breakup I'm ok with. Ppl breakup everyday. The friendship I'm sour about b/c it really hurt me. The blame to a major part of my heartbreak rite now. I repeat, I cheated and that was wrong but I confessed. I covered all tracks he would have never known if I'd never told him but no one besides my current even cared about how I felt. It hurt when I found out overseas he was doing him. I guess if a person doesn't bitch or put up a argument they don't care for real. Smh. I just handle my emotions different, guess I should apologize for that to. At this moment in time my head is so messed up I'm neglecting my current boyfriend. I've been trying. I've always tried to prepare myself for heartbreak... but it's a hard thing to even think about preparing for. I want to breakup with my boyfriend because he deserves someone who is sane and loving and only giving out good vibes. Rite now I am just not in the position.Trying to balance my life with my emotions is turning me into someone different. Not a day goes by that I'm not sad about something. I'm sorry this is so long. The emotional trauma effects my everyday life now so I had to resort to extreme measures. I'm hoping releasing this story will free up a little space. Whether it be in my mind, heart, or sub conscious, I don't care. I just need relief. Again, sorry for this long post. If you have any... give feedback, it may help. As this now ex bestfriend was the only friend I had. My other two best friends moved out of state earlier this year. I literally only have my boyfriend as my friend now who works 12 hr days so I'm left to my lonesome quiet often so feedback is actually needed more than wanted. Thank you for reading...

sounds like not only did you get your own dose of karma but least you were decent enough to admit your wrongs & learned to make it right. I can totally understand that your mainly hurting cause someone you valued dear to your heart & the person that you thought was their for you had broken the 11yr friendship & pretty much threw it in the rubbish as if it ment nothing at all. Because you didn't see that part coming i feel it's normal to feel the way your feeling but least you know thats one person you can remove from your life, if things don't work out im pretty sure shell coming running back any way.

I have a feeling one day that might happen. If they shall not make it, her contacting to apologize but no. I already forgive her but never will I refer to her as a friend again. Not even an associate. Through all this I can say I did something wrong and karma got me back but I went out with a least a ounce of dignity. I cheated. I'm wrong point blank period but I was woman enough to announce it to him knowing my risks and honestly that warms my heart. I take it as a sign of maturity.