Do I stay or run

I am a single mother with 3 children. The youngest being the hardest as the father is not around nor was he during the entire pregnancy & birth. Shortly after giving birth I met a man who by all accounts in the first 6 months was all I had ever looked for ~ family oriented, responsible, caring, charismatic. We've been together; off & on for over 2 years now. I say off & on because he has walked away several times, always to come back with a text out of the blue of "I miss you" or "how are you doing". Last spring, I caught him in a lie (although he says we weren't formally together) and I was done. Completely. Was walking away & giving up. Mind you, my children (all 10 & under) had seen me go thru the breakups, the heartaches, and didn't necessarily view him as someone they truly "liked". So, i let him know with a text & picture of him out that had been posted that I was done and giving up. He immediately was at my door, professing his love & how things would change. A couple of months later he asked me to marry him. I of course said yes as things had been going really well. It's been 5 months & i feel as though every week is a new "drama". My friends (the ones I have left) say he is a narcissist and that I'm in a emotionally abusive relationship. There have been several "breakups" since the proposal, although the ring has never been given back. He is so charming & does so many things for me but then when something doesn't go his way, he is accusational (I've never cheated nor lied to him nor have I been the one to ever "end" things) ...never accepts responsibility for anything he says, never apologizes....although I have gotten an "I'm sorry" a few times when I think he thought it necessary to preserve my staying. Most recently, I and my children who incidentally have become close to him over the past 6 months due to his trying to be a father figure in their life. My youngest calls him & thinks of him as his daddy....most recently we haven't seen him for a few days all due to the fact that he thinks my middle child (my son) is disrespectful & needs to "have his ass beat" .. now I will admit, I have had some issues with my boy being disrespectful, spoiled, & basically acting as a "middle child" thinking the world revolves around him etc.... he's a child. I've never been one for corporal punishment but I do admit the grounding & "talking to" aren't working so I've let him know that spankings are gonna be happening from here on out just because I need to get his mouth & attitude under control. However, my "fiance" called him names a few nights ago & screamed & yelled then stormed out and we haven't seen him since. He states that he will not be around my children because they disrespect him & he can't "whip" them, especially my son. Even 3 days after the incident he is still angry & going off about not getting the respect he deserves. I won't allow him to touch my children. That's not his place. My older two have their daddy every other weekend & whenever I call him. My ex & i have a very good friendship in order to co-parent our children, incidentally which my fiance hates as he is in a 4 year custody battle for his boys with his ex. I'm constantly being accused of talking to other men. I don't have a Facebook anymore due to the fact that we both deleted ours due to "trust issues" ...if I choose to talk to the friends that I have left or do anything with them, I'm putting my friends before him. I don't have "girls night" out because he will leave me. When he gets angry like this, I deal with him ignoring me or berating me yet when he is ready, he comes back around and acts "apologetic" ...doesn't say I'm sorry but is the man that I fell in love with all over again. I've told him this time around that he is not whipping my child but that as a "team" this is something that we need to work together to get thru. I mean, isn't that what marriage is about? He wants to be around me but not my child ...I've informed him that my children & i are a package deal, period. Yet, it's my fault for allowing my son to "constantly disrespect him". Everyone's parenting ways are different. Isn't it best to find common ground & work thru it all? When I search online for "help" my results comes up with the word narcissist....my friends say he is. But everyone outside of our relationship, such as his friends, family, coworkers see him as this loving, family oriented person & honestly I don't want ppl looking at me as though I've done everything wrong even though that's how he makes me feel. I didn't stand up for myself or my children for a long time. I am now and it just seems to make things worse. Is this an abusive relationship? I do love him. I know he CAN be the type of man my children and I need, the man I fell in love with but I don't know how to break free & keep those instances in the present. I'm constantly waiting for the "next" thing I do wrong... the next blowup. And why do I feel like it IS all me that is wrong? Is he a narcissist? An abuser? Am I setting my children up for failure or lifelong "issues"??? Idk wth to do!!

I almost hesitate to tell you this, but you need to leave this relationship immediately; for your own good and that of your children. Listen to your friends; they can see what is happening to you with a more objective eye than you could hope to have since they are looking at the relationship from the outside and can observe what is really happening as opposed to what you think is happening. From what you have described, your current partner is definitely an emotionally abusive one -- how can I tell? You said it yourself in your post, he's making you feel like you're always the one who is wrong. Don't be too concerned with public perception here. Your partner is probably experienced at shifting the blame onto others while keeping his hands clean. The main question is: what do you really think of your partner? Sure, you say that you love him, but is being with him making you happy or miserable most of the time?

Thank you for the insight. I think deep down I know what I need to do and that the situation isn't right for me or my children; however, all the other times we have "broken up" I've convinced myself to move on, yet I always and I do mean always second guess myself. It's like this voice in the back of my head justifies what he says might be right...maybe I AM the reason for all things wrong. Idk. It's very confusing. It feels as though he has this "hold" on me ...I know that sounds contrite but it's the only way to "describe" how I'm feeling. I DO love him, but I get what you are asking....I love the person I know he can be. It just seems as though those moments are getting fewer & farther apart. I hate myself for being as what I view as weak. I'm constantly second guessing myself as I said but it's getting to the point to where I'm tired of being miserable. God didn't put me on this earth to live in misery & I'm not getting any younger. I just don't want to be blind & walk away what is really suppose to work. Idk. I'm sure I sound like a blabbering idiot. I am a smart woman, a loyal & honest person & i love my children with all that I have.....it just feels like I'm in a constant inner struggle. Family counseling would probably be a good idea for me & my children. I don't think he will do it ....he won't even entertain the idea because I promise you that the moment he perceives he is being told that he is doing anything wrong, that will be the end of it. He won't go anymore & i will be "in trouble" if I continue to. So maybe counseling for just me & the kids is what I need to do. Maybe then I can find the strength to actually close that door. Although, just saying that sentence brings tears to my eyes. :/ ....thankx again for your insights & not being judgemental (as so many ppl ate these days)

"I love the person I know he can be." Then what you're effectively saying is you don't love the person he is *now*. Well, I'm not surprised. He's still in the thick of his own personal post-divorcal drama with his ex. So are your kids still up in the air (you might well be amicable with their father but that won't mean their little minds aren't still trying to make sense of everything and adjust from all the divorce upheaval, including re-finding their places, responsibilities and privileges). As for you: what with kids by different fathers, the last of these men having obviously effectively had his fun then skiddadled, you're [1] only just now starting to settle down yourself and [2] aren't actually placing enough importance over what partner YOU want and need (when you should - because happy mum = happy kids/own oxygen mask first). You're putting your kids needs too much ahead of yours and your man's, hence your order of prioitisation in terms of what you think HIS priorities should be: [1] family oriented, [1] responsible, [1/2] caring, [2] charismatic. A lot of men have a problem saying "I'm sorry" out-loud in words like that. The more shamefully they behaved during the fight, and the bigger the ego pride and testosterone level they ordinarily have, the harder they find it. They tend to try to 'do' sorry instead. I get that women want both words and actions, but, me, I've SAMPLED nothing but words and tantamountedly or outrightly zero actions, so I know which *I'd* rather have: the one you can take to the bank. ...So that type of manly-man behaviour is pretty normal (albeit not very impressive), as well as is the downside of a very passionate, deeply feeling type (including yelling stupidly childish things and name-calling in the heat of the overwrought moment like a bloody 5 year old who's just been told Xmas is cancelled). If your bloke was upping and leaving when things were going WELL, just on a selfish, over-entitled whim, or were he getting upset to the degree you describe with too little or barely any or even zero provocation (i.e. the provocation or excuse to upset/manipulate were coming almost purely from inside his head), then I'd be inclined to agree he's abusive. But it sounds to me like he just REALLY can't cope...doesn't know how to deal with things, let alone how best to (culminating in running away out of a humiliating sense of utter powerlessness and overwhelmment). He bit off more than he thought he could comfortably chew (on top of an already full side-plate) yet can't cope with defeat. It must BE overly frustrating to have to take constant lip and crap off a lover's kids and feel your hands are tied against doing anything about it, let alone put a stop to it for good - especially if normally you're a go-getting, fix-anything type - whilst feeling under-supported, to boot. So now - BE FAIR: That is NOT a simple case of 'things [merely] not going his way', is it. Plus, as you admit yourself, you failed to stick up for your kids for a very long time. I imagine you're now doing the usual trying out of massive guilt to over-compensate by sticking up for them against him TOO well (whilst leaving him short-changed). This then typically presents a fractured front as can make kids - particularly male ones who already long feel position-less in the pack - see their chance to amount a tempting premature power bid. And this gets exacerbated if the kid feels getting along with and being obedient towards the new alpha male represents him showing disloyalty towards his real dad. Anyway, I'd say there are far too many, clashing sets of baggage and issues going on in that there crowded pot, which is apparently sending the male members - who aren't exactly famous for being equipped to deal with complex emotional issues and upsets - downright doolally and out of order. And it's been allowed to go on for too long, meaning the emotional intray is now full to bursting with sheet after emotional sheet that needs reading, comprehending, translating, actioning and filing appropriately. So I agree with Susie, you need face-to-face, professional couples (or better yet, family) counselling, not a forum. Until you do, it sounds like *nobody* in that pack is going to be ready and able to settle down and be a team player in the faster time that you and he - Mr & Mrs Impatient - want them to. For starters, no-one really knows who's the centre-forward or quarter-back, etc.! If anything, confusedandbewildered, evidence shows it's YOU who has a hold over HIM. Despite all that high octane aggro (which, I repeat, is anathema to most manly men), and despite that there would be easier hero capes to don elsewhere, he can't seem to stay away whatsoever (despite his best attempts as even include sampling another relationship WHEN YOU WERE ON A BREAK (you weren't married at that point remember?). So in summary, it's this: [1] get everything PROPERLY dealt with via a face-to-face professional, instead of continuing with this coasting along hoping for the best, in order to give your partner the *wherewithal* to capitalise on this amazing potential you insist you can see is in there bursting to get out; or this: [2] keep (out of a sense of helplessness) blaming him for not being superman instead of just your bog-standard, emotionally under-intelligent, ham-fisted, kack-handed, "urrrrr!" type man's man - even to the point of dismissing him and the whole problem with the labels abusive and adulterer. You see - he (despite he never makes it) tries to quit physically (with his legs) whilst you try to do it psychologically (with your mind) by writing him off in order to find the missing power as will enable your 'body' to against sense follow through. Folks/strokes. But it does sound to me that you and he haven't even had the benefit of a fair and proper chance yet. Agree? He's not breaking up with you. He's just running off to the bottom of the garden and hiding out behind the garden shed, passionate he-man style. Trust me, your aggressive type of narcissist doesn't need ANY legitimate outside drama to make your life difficult. He HIMSELF is the drama...drama-on-legs...while everyone else is constantly and concertedly on their best behaviour (which doesn't even work, anyway). (PS: Friends who can't stand being forced to listen helplessly any more, because it upsets and frustrates them too much, commonly come out with such dismissive statements...anything to make you finally DO something and make it stop.)

PS: "he won't even entertain the idea because I promise you that the moment he perceives he is being told that he is doing anything wrong, that will be the end of it." Then try presenting it in a different way: "I know this will all probably come out of the wash the right way up *eventually*, but... I really, really miss you and me being all loved-up and cosy...so what do you think about us getting someone else to take most of the load off us so that we can get back to normal in record time?" Alternatively, like you say, go just you and the kids, but with the open invitation for him to join you any time he's ready. Once he sees your relieved and happier faces and calmer demeanours, he should come round. If not, he's too much his own worst enemy, needs a woman who literally has the patience of a saint, and deserves everything he gets (or rather, loses for good).