Is it best to move on?

i have been dating my boyfriend over a period two years. for the first few months we were very intense but casual and then it began to develop as relationships do. it was a long distance thing as i was still in uni at the time but we visited frequently and had a blissful honeymoon period. as the stresses of finishing university weighed down on me communication broke down entirely between us and we broke up. i became attracted to other people shortly before our break up due to the problems we were experiencing and had intentions to pursue another male. i then experienced a vile number of months where i was subject to daily panic attacks and was at one point on the verge of agoraphobia. thankfully this subsided due to medication but provoked an onslaught of soul searching. i returned home to where he lives and where we met as the panic was beginning to retreat and we got back together. this time it was very different, i was very emotional.. something i had not experienced since the days of teen angst. we became very close and when i found out he had slept with two people in the 4 weeks we were apart instead of one that i had unearthed i was hurt although i understand we were not together. i then encountered the male i had developed the attraction towards and kissed him i believe out of spite. nothing more happened between us but my boyfriend does not know about this. feeling somehow this made us in a more balanced position our relationship continued to grow stronger, feeding my guilt. we made a visit to see my university friends after spending 4months together, our first time without long distance. he became very irate and aggressive, i would like to blame the alcohol but it was only an enhancement rather than the cause. he threatened me physically in front of my closest friends on my birthday. the ordeal was very peculiar. we did not see each other for a week after as i had flu and in that time i became very angry about what he did. i felt too embarrassed to talk to any of my friends and from that point on distanced myself somewhat from them as i felt a fool. we made up and things were good until i uncovered a vast pornography habit that sadly i have let crumble my self esteem in regards to our relationship. i had planned when we were less serious on moving away for a few months to expand my horizons. i am here now and he has visited me a couple of times. i miss him when he isn't around and we speak on the phone a lot but in person i can hardly find the patience to listen to what he is saying. i look at my body entirely differently around him and become very self conscious. i constantly watch his eyes as he never looks at me when he is speaking to see if he is looking at other women. i have also become negative about other females. i worry we will encounter an attractive woman and i will compare myself to her. i think this is down to the pornography. he said he started using it when we broke up and continued to do so. this upset me because we spent nearly all of the time together for those months. as soon as i would leave his house he would spend the rest of his free time masturbating. i didn't understand why i wasn't enough and why he needed to look at other people if he loves me as much as he says he does. he continually talks about marriage but i can conclude this is a veil to mask our problems. i must mention he is 6 years older than me, i am 22 and he is 28. i am not enjoying my venture for having my head and heart in different places. i have done similar things before and i feel if i want to really give it a go i need to detach myself from him, alternatively i am considering moving home and making a go of it there and with him. i had previously always felt like the big fish in a small pond however as my confidence dwindles i feel more the opposite and am quite attracted to an easy low key familiar life. im not sure why i am acting the way i do when we are together.. do i resent him? i have always felt i fit better into his life that he does mine, for example what happened on my birthday. i am torn between pursing my own life independently of him although we have no solid reason to break up. teething problems aplenty. so do i let it run its course and direct my life around it possibly fade away to nothing of my former independent confident fun loving self or do i consider we are at different stages of life, i have no defined career path and with that plans or responsibility. i have closed myself off a lot from my current situation. something i am not blaming him for because he is not controlling as much as i control myself for him. i believe being single would give me the drive i need to make it on my own where as i am finding it hard to want to find something to keep me here if we are going to be apart. i think it may be dramatic but i really feel it is all or nothing and because i am young i cant see if the problems we are experiencing are all just part of building a lasting relationship. i would appreciate some advice from a mature perspective. thank you

Hey CONFUSED, I would be confused to if I were in your shoes. I was so grateful of the advice you gave me that I thought the best thing I could do to say thank you would be to return the favour. Yes I do see how our situations are similiar, it seems you have a few seperate issues going on here and they do all closely relate to how your boyfriend's actions over the last two years have made you feel. The three I can think of are; the lack of confidence over your body (due to the porn area,) the undecided future and the overload of emotions that seem to be taking you over. Firstly the body confidence, there is no woman in the world who doesn't feel like you do when for instance faced with a pretty girl on TV or any other situation where you and your boyfriend see them together. It is natural to compare yourself to what's around and be dissapointed, though this is only because you are used to seeing your body and face every day for your 22years of existence and everyone thinks of themselves alot lower than they really are. Sadly the actions of your boyfriend have fuelled this natural feeling into a situation that is uncomfortable for you. In this case I would suggest, if you haven't done this already, to ask your boyfriend to share some of his fantasies with you, you can be and are just as if not more sexy than any other woman because HE loves YOU and vice versus! This closely relates to those emotions you spoke of, I don't think you need to feel guilty you are young, let the past stay there...in the past and I think you should concentrate on the good things you both have achieved and the good memories you share. I really think you have to experience emotions like these to truly know yourself for the good and bad. Once you know yourself truly you can devote yourself entirely on getting to know another person really thorughly thus sustaining a long term relationship. The future aspect is really up to you. Know one can tell you what you should do because it affects you not them, you must have some kind of field where you are happy and if being single means you can work in that field then you are the only one that matters, if he truly loves you he will follow you and his marriage idea will soon show to be real or a faux. You have taken a long time to study at university for whatever it is you obviously enjoy doing I would recommend not wasting all that time, effort and money on someone who doesn't make you as happy as possible but again this is most probably a blip and will sort it's self once you have both established each other's goals in life. I think you are a wonderful person stuck in a very terrible situation I think the only true advice I can give is to do what you think will make you the happiest and remember it doesn't have to be one or the other, why not have a well-paid, degree qualified job and a husband? I would suggest finding that place you want to be and then re-kindling things once you are settled there(you said if you are with him you don't want to go out and grab part of the world) If he's 'the one' he will support and enthuse your quest for that lifestyle you crave and he will enjoy it too. This will mean you are that confident independant person who loves their work/lifestyle and also has a wonderfully strong relationship that has withstood numerous tests and come out the other end even stronger still. I hope I have helped you the way you did me, I wish you all the best. You seem like a person that can go the full way if they put their mind to it so CONFUSED just try your hardest and what you really want will happen! Keep in touch and let me know if things are better, it may take some time but we can work through our issues together (Kind thoughts of mine are with you) :)