Sad and scared

My wife left me a couple of days ago....to be exact, I asked her to leave. I was drinking, we got into a huge fight over her ex and the way that he is allowed to jump in and out of our lives, and I asked her to leave. I am a former Marine, I have PTSD, and have been taking Prystiq with a Wellbutren chaser for a few years. I don't consider myself an alcoholic, but all of our bad fights have been fueled by alcohol. On the night that she left I found out that one of the possible side effects of Prystiq is that it can cause a craving for alcohol. On the night that she left, I poured everything down the drain, threw away the Prystiq and Welbutren, and haven't looked back. I have no cravings for alcohol, I feel clear headed and good, and I can safely say that I will never drink again. I miss my wife terribly and her girls terribly. We are incredibly close and affectionate and that is missing from me when I need it most. I don't have many friends and my wife has always been my best friend. She needs her space, but I am so afraid that her decision will be to stay away for good. She is already talking about renting her own place and is separating the bills. She hasn't moved a lot of her stuff out of the house and doesn't seem to be in any hurry to at this point. She is living with her parents who, I'm sure, are NOT very supportive of her coming home. I am so sad and ashamed right now. I haven't eaten in three days, I can't sleep, and every time the phone rings or a text comes in I run to my phone only to find that it isn't her. I don't know what to do and Im scared.

We have been to counseling before and were doing really well. I would be willing to go again....I would be willing to do anything for her at this point. I know she loves me. I can see it in her eyes and on her face, but I know she is hurting right now and it's all my fault. If I had stopped drinking one day earlier this never would have happened. The last time I saw her (Friday) we both cried, she said she wanted to hate me but couldn't, and we held each other like we would never let go. Then she was gone. I haven't seen her since, although I have suggested getting together to walk and talk. the fight was Thursday.....am I just hoping for too much too soon? I want her to know that the guy she is mad at-that drunken idiot-is no longer here and is gone forever. I want her to know that I will do anything for her and us. I want her to know how sorry I am. But she will only send my about one informal text a day and refuses to answer me when I call. I KNOW we can be good again. We have come so far in the 7 years we have been married.

Do not expect that things will improve quickly. She is hurt. It sounds to me like you have a chance still. Start right now proving that you are working to remedy the situation. You already started by choosing to not drink. Get the help you need to stick with that plan. Ask he what she needs from you to fix it. Think about it too, you know her parents are aware of what's going on as well and you will need to prove to them as well and win them over again. You say she s daughters and of course she needs to think of them as well. What kind of stable environment can you provide for them as well. You are a Marine so you have surely dealt with a great amount of stress before. The good thing is that you should have access to help when you need it. Be strong and don't give up. She loves you and probably wants to work it out as much as you. She is just scared of falling back into that pattern. Make today the first day of your big change. The day you turned it aroumd and became the responsible, loving person she knows you can be. And don't screw it up again! Nothing hurts more than when a person does what they said they wouldn't do to you again.

It's all very well you blaming yourself like a typical 'I-can-do-and-fix-everything-(and-on-the-spot!)' soldier, LETHERNEK86, but hold your wee horses a minute! Married for 7 years and yet she's STILL letting her ex, quote, jump in and out of your relationship? JUMP IN AND OUT. That suggests zero respect from him towards yours and her relationship (and towards you) which then suggests insufficient sense of and reactivity in line with relationship protectiveness on her part. I'm sorry, but it is QUITE simple, particularly after that many years, to set down boundaries to an ex about what his place is in the context of her and your relationship together. And what about her respecting your resultant emotions about the constant matter? Where was that? Having an ex around will cause a lot of fights for anyone. You don't need alcohol for that. So stop blaming it as well as yourself merely to give yourself a sense of control. All you are, due to your PST, is WEAKENED...which means things bother you but render you incapable through still-sapped energy of nipping them in the bud like you, under normal, pre-traumatic circumstances, I'm betting my house on, ordinarily might. Let me repeat that in a different way: Would *I* moan if my husband's ex was constantly in our face and he letting her (a Healthy Relationship no-no)? Damn right! Would he? PFFF - WORLD STAND BACK!!! Are either of us on medication? No. Do we drink a lot? No. So what would make either of us rear up and protest but you not? Answer: AVAILABLE ENERGY. Too much of YOUR energy is always getting automatically directed to your mind in aid of all the going-over of traumatic events data sheets from memory, with a view to comprehending, ordering, accepting and filing them away in the correct mental files. It's KNACKERING. But just because that might not make you very FORCEFUL when complaining about this dissatisfactory, habitual feature of your relationship, it's quite clear reading your opening post that, repeatedly state your disapproval you absolutely did. So why didn't she - your protector as much as you hers - take heed of this thorn in your side and DO something about it? Maybe if she had, you wouldn't have had this negative cloud ever-present as led inexorably and anticipatably towards this final showdown once enough had finally become enough? (BTW, you do realise that that markedly improved self-assertion is proof made manifest of your getting closer to the old you/fuller strength?) Allowing the ex to hang around irritatingly and disquietingly is a common barrier put in place by the partner who isn't that comfortable with a certain critical degree of mental intimacy. Have you always had a greater appetite than her in that respect or has she - whether in reaction to her past relationship breakdown or as par for her course - never been brave enough to get as close as she should? I appreciate you've been primed to think you can achieve/surmount anything. But at least ensure the 'thing' is the correctly-identified one. In my opinion, your medication and alcohol has too little to do with it, and this barrier-placement of hers, as has clearly been going on for the entire duration of your relationship or marriage, is the ACTUAL issue and causal factor that needs addressing. And unless YOU tended to do something to block a healthy enough level of intimacy as then had her feeling in reaction like she should do likewise (via the tool called, My Ex), THAT ISSUE COMES FROM *HER*. (Saying that, it'll still be only a symptom of a much deeper-laying issue.) ABSOLUTELY you and she need counselling, with that as the first focus ('Why have you always let your ex sniff around us too much despite being an intelligent enough woman to appreciate how destructive it is?'). But first you have to leave her be so that she can MISS you and start to remember all the good times. (You yourself know what post-trauma does to your thinking in the immediate aftermath - and since there are degrees of PTS, starting with that called fight aftermath, she'll still be too het up and thinking only about all the negatives.) She can't miss you if you're trying to be 'in her face' day upon day (and that pressure includes even the vein or style of your messages making it clear that's what you'd want if you could). Give her space...Don't foie gras her with information about how you're feeling, etc.; let her chew and DIGEST at her own pace. WORRY her a little by going completely schtum. If your relationship was even remotely worthwhile underneath that untoward distancing mechanism of hers/yours/hers(?), then start to worry she will and your phone will likewise begin to ring. At ease...