So confused

I made a mistake and entered into an inappropriate relationship with someone who was not my husband. My marriage wasn't terrible but we had had some bumps in the road. Mostly some recurring issues with my husband participating in questionable activities on the internet that I repeatedly requested he not do. When I first engaged with the other man, I never expected it to go any further than some harmless chatting and maybe a little flirting. It quickly spiralled out of control and before I knew it, I had fallen in love with him. Eventually my husband found out and has been very understanding although he is badly hurt. I love my husband and we have a 4 year old son. I have stayed with my husband but I can't stop thinking about the other man and cannot cut him out of my life. He loves me also and has made it very clear that he wants me in his life and has invited me to move in with him if/when I make the decision to leave my husband. I love my husband and don't want to leave him and I want to keep our family together but the fact is I'm in love with someone else. I know this is killing my husband and I know that if I re-committ to our relationship and promise without hesitation that it is over between myself and the other man it will ease his pain and allow him and our relationship to begin to heal. I just truly don't know if that's what I want. If anyone has any constructive advice, it would be appreciated.

Caught between a rock and a hard place is not good when it involves affairs of the heart. You need to make yourself happy and make the right decision for you and your son. Going by your post, you have basically retaliated for your husband's internet forays but you need to ask yourself if he was serious or were his actions just curious. Take your thoughts further and ask yourself if you were truly happy with your husband and he with you. If this was the case, then none of this would have happened. Trust, respect, communication, honesty and intimacy all make for a solid relationship. Did you have these factors in your marriage and will you get them from the other man and are you prepared (or be able to) return them to him?

Just keep in mind that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. What kind of life can this other man offer you that your husband and your current life does not have right now -- and, is this enough for you to justify leaving your current life? As manalone has already stated, try and think this through before you make your final decision -- and the bottom line is that you have to make a decision eventually. You either choose to maintain the status quo with your husband or choose the other man over him. You'll only hurt everyone a lot more if you try and prolong the decision any further than you should. Take your time, but remember that the more time that you take, the more you are hurting the people involved in this affair -- including yourself.

I honestly disagree with the notion that the grass is greener on the other side. Remember you had an affair with a man that I am guessing knew about your situation. If that is the case then this man may do it again on another woman. Unfortunately your husband is also having an affair. Your husband needs serious help as internet crap is very difficult to break from. You need help too. Your husband is not fulfilling your needs. If it has been communicated before about this, and your husband does not care, then I believe you maybe should get a divorce. Sorry you're going through this...

I was in your situation. however I had two small children at the time. I did end up leaving my husband. The man I had the relationship with made me very happy for 3yrs. Kids,ex-relationships, and family all put extra stress on a relationship that starts the way yours and the new man's does. It is a very tough road. If they will do it with you they will do it to you. I made my decision based on the fact that I needed to be happy and my husband was not there for me. I couldn't be a good mother or partner if I was not happy. You have to do what is in your heart. Ask yourself if you had never met this person would you still be trying to make it work with your husband. Make a pros and cons list.. It is really a hard road. Step parents and visitations..sharing custody.. ugghhh it is such a hard road.. it takes a lot of work and communication on all sides. You have to think. It is a tough decision, but one you have to make and stand for. Be strong. Sorry you are going thru this tough time. BE HAPPY LIFE IS SHORT... !!!!

Speechgirl, I may be way off, but...this is the very strong sense I got reading all of that: If you'd met the love of your life, to the extent which warrants ditching your old relationship, much as you wouldn't like to admit it you wouldn't care about your husband's feelings to the extent you do as keeps you caught in this eenie-meenie-minie-mo paralysis. It would be a no-brainer. You would run-run-RUN - shouting WHOOHOOO! (leaving guilt to later) - to the arms of this new man, feeling like you'd been reborn / your life had only really just started, and would cite all the justifications in the world, both legitimate and fanciful, e.g., telling yourself that your to-be-ex-husband would ultimately be okay, possibly better (certainly once he'd found his own truer love) and the same for your still-young-and-adaptable-enough child. It wouldn't really be ABOUT how you felt for your husband. It would more be about how your feelings for your 'mistress' blocked out ANYTHING that, ordinarily, you'd consider. You CERTAINLY wouldn't say this in your opener: "I made a MISTAKE and entered into an INAPPROPRIATE relationship." I read that, imagined I was your new man and though: Oh. Great. Yeah. Cheers, luv (pff). You'd feel those words didn't apply, and that applying them was an insult to this life epiphany on four legs... you would NEVER call the very best relationship you'd ever known that surpassed all expectations and imaginings, "a mistake". You'd have put it more like this: I met and began a relationship with the man of my dreams. The only trouble is...[etc]. Another: "I know that if I re-committ to our relationship and promise without hesitation that it is over between myself and the other man it will ease his pain and allow him and our relationship to begin to heal. I just truly don't know if that's what I want." Error - Does Not Compute. If you truly didn't know, you'd have put it more like this: I'm hoping that if I re-commit.. Nay. You KNOW your relationship would heal/return to the state of lovey-dovey. Those leaked out unchecked either because you had your mind on forming the ahed sentences and sentiments or because you wanted to confess to us under your own radar (because you couldn't face doing it yourself). Even if you'd been trying to give a true representation of your how your feelings had been at that earlier point of just meeting him - due to the way you (you'd imagine) felt NOW, you wouldn't be able to bring yourself to do your new relationship that former-mentioned semantics-based injustice. It would feel blasphemous. Blasphemous. Like breaking a sacrosanct. You've also said 'I love my husband' repeatedly, whereas you've only said you're IN love with this new man. And I'm not surprised given what RICH pointed out. After all, how sure can you be that this man truly wants YOU AND ONLY YOU or whether a portion of that is his wanting to stick it to another man to fix a sense of male inferiority, make himself feel EXTRA attractive through having managed to lure a woman from- not just neutral/available, but attached/unavailable? So the upshot is this: from what you already know and can sense underneath this temporary high of honeymoon/novelty flush, this new man and relationship is NOT some significant upgrade. At the very most, he's merely on a PAR. But I suspect, not even. Also: " I love my husband and don't want to leave him". Not, don't want to hurt him, DON'T WANT TO LEAVE him. Diff/all the diff. So there we have it: your marriage is not rejection-worthy. It (or your life?) (same thing?) is just missing something. Here's a couple of acid test questions for you: 1. If you could go back in time to when you and your husband were in the Honeymoon Period, and at THAT point had to choose between him and this new man (imagining him likewise younger) - who would you choose? 2. How does this new man as stands today at X months of acquaintanceship compare to your husband when you and he had hit that very same tenure? All elements... face, body, overall look/image, aura/presence/vibes, sexual magnetism, conversation skills, bedroom skills, ways of functioning and operating, including personal habits, morals, strength of character, ambition, energy level/dynamism, hopes, dreams, likeability of family and relatives and friends...? 3. If you were stood on the edge of a cliff with one arm broken and in a sling, facing your husband and this lover who were stood opposite you, side-by-side, with the backs of their heels slightly over the cliff-edge, and a massive gust of wind came and unbalanced both of them backwards to the point where they began falling to their death below, and you can grab hold of only one of them, OH MY GOD, THEY'RE GOING OVER!!!!!.... Who did you save? (I know which one my money's on.) I agree with the others up there, that this is you trying to teach your husband a lesson NEVER to go walkies on the internet again, and to knuckle down with you in fixing whatever it was as made him go window shopping (whilst you did..?..whatever you did (over-concentrated on your son?)). But you don't want to feel like "a vengeful cow" - the human veil off, revealing the animal underneath who behaves likewise in accordance with jungle law. So instead, to nice yourself up again, back to your usual self-standard, you're trying to lend authenticity to your claim of being in two minds.. Nay. You're in one mind. But if you'd ADMITTED to yourself that this was your subconscious gameplan, you'd never have had the nerve to go through with it. And that would have meant you couldn't have fallen just enough in love, like you have, to play this acting role convincingly whereby your husband would take you deadly seriously. Method acting. You did, so your inner animal is hell bent on taking however long it takes, spank-wise, for your husband's bottom to start actually *smarting* as triggers real thinking and true remorse (- "thowee, mummay...won' do id agaaain"). Well, good for you, I say!! You carry on, luv! He started it, anyway (mleugh). Careful not to take it too far or start to enjoy it, though. Recognise when he's had enough. Oh, and little tip: when you do (cough) make your decision in his favour known to him, do make sure you give him and his pull (and extra efforts) the credit. Message received and understood: When you focus back on me again, and STAY focused - like you should do - things magically re-improve.