Is it my fault?

I really need some advice on how to handle what has recently happened between my boyfriend and I. I have been with him coming up 6 years, over the past 2 years, we have "taken space" periodically, (always his choice). Last month, he said that he wanted to take space again (2months we decided on), because he needed to figure out if he really loved me. I love him with all my heart, he makes me feel loved, he treats me well, he is affectionate and loving. We spent a couple weeks apart, after that he was calling, texting wanting to hang out. Which we did. During this time I snooped in his office and found some strange recipets (mostly restaurant receipts that looked like dates) HE found out I snooped, was a little angry, told me that they were were from (because I asked), and everything was good .With one month left to go, we said lets really do this lets take space. After a couple days I tried logging into his facebook because something did not feel right, (which was totally wrong and a betrayal I know) I found that he had been messaging other women trying to meet up (hook up with is what I imagine) I confronted him and he completely turned it around on me. He said "even if there was one chance in a million that I could somehow see the light and redeem myself, you just pushed everything beyond the point of no return. By trying to find the truth at all costs you destroyed our mutual trust, without which there can't be any meaningful relationship. Losing trust is unfortunately an irreversibile phenomenon. I hope that finding truth was for you worth losing everything else. " …..He blames me. Is this my fault? Was I wrong to snoop even after I found out I was right? How could he turn it on me like that, when what he did in my opinion was so much worse? I need a 3rd party's insight. Please help.

You were most definitely NOT wrong to snoop around and act on your instincts when you felt that something was wrong. Especially now with the post-justification that you were right all along. In fact, I think he's just trying to pin the blame on you in order to make himself feel better and perhaps even use it as leverage to break up with you, which he might have been planning all along. I suggest that you try to get over this person quickly and move on with your life. Don't look back and enjoy the newfound freedom that you have now that he's gone from your life.

Thank you for your insight. It just hurts so much because just before all of this happened we were talking about all of our future plans. HE was the one saying I needed to keep my faith and everything would work it out in the end. Why is it so hard for him to admit HE was the one who was wrong. He should be begging for my forgiveness, instead I feel like the loser in all of this…. I agree, this may just be an easy way out for him instead of admitting he was wrong… He is away for business right now so I am not able to see him, or talk to him, and all I want to do is ask him how he could do this to us/me? He betrayed me, yet I feel as though I am the one to blame.

never feel that it is your fault. he broke your trust by messaging other females while you guys were taking some time apart. the space that he needed was to get his self together to better yal relationship. not to keep you on the side to come back to if he isnt hooking up with other girls. i think him needing space was just an excuse to go and do what he wants so he cant say he technically cheated. sometimes your gut feeling is right. and in your case it was. he just wants you to feel bad. it was his fault. he destroyed your trust. if he wants you he will do everything possible to fix what he messed up.

I wouldn't necessarily say you are 'wrong' for snooping, but it is a toxic behavior. What I mean is, the second you feel it is necessary to snoop, the relationship has become unhealthy. Six years is a long time and I believe there are situations where separation can do wonders for rebuilding a bond. However, because you do love him so much, you are putting all of the cards in his hands and he is taking full advantage. He knows you'll feel guilty and take fault in your actions, and he will continue to be able to manipulate the relationship in a way that always suits his needs, whatever they may be. I am not saying you are not a strong person and I want you to know that IN NO WAY am I trying to insult you. I was in an all too similar situation a few years back. We had dated for 4 1/2 years and he decided we needed separation to 'strengthen the relationship' and see what 'we' really wanted. Now, I knew what I wanted and that it was him, but because I loved him and didn't want to push him away, I agreed to give him his space. He too called to say he missed me and we hung out even on the said 'break.' I didn't understand why it was necessary if we were together in spite of the whole situation. Then, like you, I snooped and found out he was talking to other women and 'exploring his options' while still keeping me around, just in case. So, what I am trying to say is you deserve an equal partnership. And once you start snooping, you'll create that insecurity in yourself that could potentially affect future relationships. You have had the strength and patience to keep yourself going with a man who is not taking your relationship seriously. You have the strength to keep yourself going and moving in a more positive direction. I say take care of yourself and take space for YOU. It will give you the time to allow yourself figure out what you need. And honestly, it'll help you figure out where the relationship is truly going effortlessly. Either he will start to REALLY think about how not having this relationship in his life will affect him, and he'll get his shit together (sorry for blunt language) or you'll find out if he truly is just keeping you around for his lonely nights. Either way, you'll be on the path to a happier YOU and that's what really counts.

thank you, you guys for your words. I know everything you have said is true. I just really need to hear it from outside sources… snooping is wrong and your right it is toxic behaviour and it does breed doubt. I don't know how I managed to put myself in this situation.. We haven't spoken in a few days, and he said we could tie up loose ends this Thursday. But maybe I should tell him I'm busy, or not ready to see him?

I know SUSIEDQ, I think it's because I want it to work out so badly that I often assume a lot of the responsibility if we fight or if something like this happens. He is the ONLY person I have been with that I have wanted to marry, that I have imagined a future with. I just don't know why he would do that to me and to our relationship… And I agree none of this would have happened if he hadn't lied, or messaged those women. He fucked up big time, but is brushing over it and saying I am the one who broke our "mutual trust"….He wasn't being trust worthy so how could I trust him?

Agree, agree, agree, agree. Normally I consider it two-timing when you're not married, but in this case, what with him having encouraged you to believe you were on a marital track and not that far from the terminus, I think this counts as cheating proper. Two years. TWO YEARS! What a giant user. I wish you were more angry, as well, but I think you're still too much in shock. It'll come. You can help it along, though... including "TWOOOOO WHOLE YEEEEEARS!". Think about all those seemingly good times, every single one you can recall, and realise he was all the time messing around with other women, possibly having sex with a lot of them. And then having sex with you, etc., etc., etc., looking you in the eyes KNOWING he was conning you majorly, and undoubtedly thinking, what a sap she is / aren't I clever. (Ready to punch the sofa cushions yet?)

The reason you felt the need to snoop in the first place is because he made you feel insecure and doubt his honesty....and with good reason! Finding out the truth at all costs IS more important than saving the relationship - I would have said - "I'm bloody well glad I did find out, else how much longer would I have been living a lie?" You have done nothing wrong! What a total manipulative horrible person he seems to be! You have had a lucky escape.

"Finding out the truth at all costs IS more important than saving the relationship - I would have said - "I'm bloody well glad I did find out, else how much longer would I have been living a lie?"" Agree! You're entitled, in a relationship, to the information by which to emotionally protect yourself. Yes, it's better if your partner provides that. But if not, jungle law (which is the level his actions automatically shunt your relationship down to) says that when they're failing in that duty, it falls back to you. You have a duty - using whatever environmental means at your disposal where doing so can't actually long-term harm anyone else - to survive and prosper, not least for the sake of your genes and unborn babies. And (depression=mental illness/suicide) there are more ways than the obvious one to die. Also, if you (the perp) had a house with a front lawn you didn't want walked on (because you have something/s illegal buried just beneath the turf, say) by people in whose keen interests you know it is to do so, don't start blubbing and yelling 'That's not FAIR!' because they did just that when all along you had the money and means at your disposal to erect a 6ft electric fence. It's called, keep the bloody phone hidden! Your property? YOU protect it! Don't moan that she's failed in protecting your property/privacy when you're not even doing the more important fundamental of protecting her damn WELFARE. And don't pretend you really didn't want to get found out, either. Cake and eat it attitude, otherwise. Your partner may not LIKE you hiding your mobile for what it could possibly indicate, but that just presents the call for them to consider - using assessment of all other available evidence - whether or not to continue forging a relationship with you. Furthermore, i- (...only joshing ;-)).