Obsessed and turning pathetic, over man I can not have

It's been a long time coming, over 8 years and I have found myself back here. Going round and round and leading knowhere! There is no short story but I will try. I fell for a married work colleague nearly 8 years ago, we worked together everyday, we texted each other continuesly for a long time - over a year. Are relationship only was physical for a brief time, it was mainly emotional. To be clear he was always the one to stop it going any further than it ever did. We went round in round although he did initially pursue me. But it would go for weeks of texting - flirting etc to me saying what is this leading to - to him then ignoring me or saying - he can't go any further. Then I would not speak to him etc and then somehow he would worm around me and it would start again. During the physical part of this toxic thing. I found out not from him, that his wife was pregnant, she got pregnant during the time we were physical. I was so sickened by this - that when I found out elsewhere. I called him and told him how pathetic he was and to stay away from me! This obv did not last. Well the roubd and round continued, although I started to then turn into a needy version of my formal confident self! Needless to say I think I lost my appeal and things dwindled. I then decided to quit my job and cut this thing. I did but I still held this crazy idea, that one day he will leave her and want me. I occasionally think of excuses to call him - I don't! This was a good 4 years ago! After I left, he rand texted for a while just every so often - after every call every text I would feel like Crap! We met a couple of times - nothing happened. Then for nearly 2 years I have no contact - nothing. Then last week - I see him! It brings it all back and stupidly in my wine fueled wisdom! I text him... He replys and we exchange a few texts before I stop replying and delete them. Now I am fighting an urge to ring him!! What am I doing?! I know I have created him into something he is not - he is not an idol or anything of the such. May be I am using him to mask something deeper within me, that I need help with. But I am obsessing again. I need to find my way out of this. Please any advise no matter how harsh.

You have to work on getting over him completely and you can only do this by letting go of that 1% piece of hope that you keep clinging onto every single time that you try and break up with him. In effect, what happens when he momentarily takes you back again is that it rekindles and reinforces this 1% hope that you have and makes it even stronger. Basically, you have to work on programming your mind to think of this person differently -- even to the point of loathing him. Of course, this is going to be a temporary thing, but convincing yourself to hate this person will allow you to see reality for what it really is and to stop thinking of him as someone special. You might also be triggering certain psychological anchors that cause you to keep thinking of your ex whenever he is away. I'd suggest that you read this article -- especially the part on anchoring: http://www.relationshippsychology.com/breakups/how-to-move-on-after-a-break-up-anchors

i think this relationship would go no where. you sort of knew what you were getting yourself into messing with a married man. you should not want someone who would leave his WIFE for another woman. that just shows that if you two were to pursue something he would possibly leave you as well. and you should have known that he would still have sex with his wife and you if he was living at home. i think you should get out there and try and meet someone else. this thing you have going on with him is not working. if you want something more than just a fling he is not the one for you.

Great advice given. Susieqdq, you especially gave very good, thought provoking advice. I know this post is about vicamber2014 but would you be willing to elaborate a bit more. You say this man was there for you when your world came crashing down, (sorry for the loss you suffered) but if this one person helped fill a void in your life during that period, how did you manage to get over him yet still think of him to this day? And, you say you were also thankful for him being part of your life yet you would never go back to him? As I said, what you posted was very thought provoking and if it is something you do not wish to answer, Please ignore. Vicamber2014, you say 8 years have passed? If you continue with this man you will see another 8 years pass. By that time, he will have had a few more children and you will most probably be back on a similar forum pouring your heart out. Have you dated other men in that time? did it not work? If not, was it because you were still stuck in the past? Whatever you do, do NOT ring this man. This man has not thought of you in anyway whatsoever. You clearly fell in love with him but his feelings were not there for you. Ask yourself, what does he bring into your life? Good sex? Emotional support? Financial?

Bloody Nora, Susie! Re-SPECT! (That's all, don't mind me, pray continue)

I am so sorry, and I don't want to hurt you, but he is using you. He can have his wife, and he can have you. Why would he want just one of you? You don't want to be with a man like that. Your man should worship the ground you walk on, he should feel lucky to be with you. Ditch him, Delete him, whatever you need to do, as soon as you can.

Thanks for your replys . In response to some of your questions. It did happen at the time my mum had just not long died of Cancer. I never really thought it could be linked but may be it was. You ask what I get from this, emotional financial support, good sex. None of it! So why? I just don't know. Why have I put him on a pedestal or even the figment of him. I have had and do have relationships, but he is always a nag or a thought in my head. I am starting to believe this is nothing to do with him and may be all to do with me. I have looked back at myself and I seem to have noticed a pattern I am not proud of but it is there. I feel attracted to someone and pursue if you like a relationship then it's all good and then my heads turned and I want someone else and then it continues. He seems like the one I could not have and maybe that's why I have hung myself up on this. I don't know. But surely that is not normal. I think I need to seek counciling to figure this all out. I am not going to call him because you are right. He does not think of me what so ever. I do think sometimes what if he did call me up and say, let's do this, let's get together. Would I actually want to, really.

Hi have been n a similar position to yourself, I wrote a post here last week on it entitled 'am deluded,am lost , help' . The last piece of your post stuck me , 'I have looked back at myself and I seem to have noticed a pattern I am not proud of but it is there. I feel attracted to someone and pursue if you like a relationship then it's all good and then my heads turned and I want someone else and then it continues.' I think I have the same pattern.... for the record 'you are worth more'

It's a reactive-only form of commitmentphobia. If the man can't attach to you 100% (this case probably around only 30%) like could a single man, then neither can you to him (in an ideally healthy romance, men start the process, which includes melting her defenses, and women thereafter play catch-up). If you're only 30% attached, then only 30% detachment would ever ensue come the breakdown of the relationship - which obviously wouldn't be [scuse pun] half as painful. Furthermore, it keeps your vibes from oozing "I'm available" signals that men pick up on and might otherwise try to act on. You sensed you'd be unable for quite a lengthy period to survive any more agony of loss on top of what you'd only just experienced, yet still had the needs of a red-blooded woman that demanded fulfilment. These needs would have been exacerbated by your "first (albeit platonic) love", your original needs supplier, disappearing from your life (mum), giving you a less than normal ability to remain single. They're pushy, naggy little uggers who 'aren't just going to be ig-NOOORED, Dan!'. So you struck a compromise to shut them up by choosing someone who'd supply only those most important/demanding needs (e.g. physical affection and emotional catharcism) without those others as place you in the vulnerable position of potential 100% heartbreak. You chose a guarantee-ably safe nook to meantime hide out in, basically. It takes 2-5 years to grieve (the process of maximum attachment merely in reverse), or, if you subscribe to the Chinese theory, between 8 and 10 years - depending on whether or not the attachment process got impeded (and quite possibly, whether you have whatever degree of Asian genes in your make-up courtesy of that world-travelling slapper of a Mongoloid called Attila The Hun?) and also depending on whether you struggle against thus slow down the detachment process. I'd say you need bereavement counselling if you think you could do with speeding up. However, reading this - "But I am obsessing again. I need to find my way out of this. Please any advise no matter how harsh" - I'd say you sound distinctly like a woman who's hit the little-known point of secondary grieving process, which is when you can sense and recognise that you're right on the cusp of GETTING OVER someone. And that in itself can trigger another condensed burst of grieving for your imminent loss of the relationship in byproxial form gained from the main grieving process. (Make sense?) People can get this, for example, when they hit the point where they realise they're starting to forget the deceased (e.g. can no longer picture their face in totalis). The grief seems to peak again for a wee while which can kid them they've slid backwards (nope). Hopefully that's removed an impediment I call, worrying/panicking about BEING worried/panicked, and will free you up quite a bit. Meanwhile, make a list of everything about him that ever made you want to slap his silly face, because anger is like a turbo. And try not to feel *too* guilty because unless he'd been laid as low as you at that pick-up point, he proved himself the predator who swooped on and stuck his claws into you when you were at your most weakened and vulnerable. Give it another month or so and it'll be like a case of Predator -v- Arnie. He'll be black (and blue) as you say, 'Sayonara, baby!' (- sorry, couldn't resist).

I struggle to understand how they are linked although I suspect they are. But I feel my bereavement and this are just two separate issues. I have not given the whole story. I did not feel confident to do so, just thought from experience would be called a troll. I am in a relationship to. I have been for 15 years, we have built a life together and we started very similar to all my relationships. I was in one and so was he and then we got together and split from our partners at the time. I worshipped my OH when we met again he was like an obsession my head could not be turned for many many years until Him! When I started to like this other guy may be I wanted to know I was still attractive or something and I thought knowing that he liked me would be the end of it but it wasn't. I think I became deluded and fixated on something that was never real and because of all this my relationship with OH is straining, especially when I go though this I want the other one phase! I don't know what I am to do or if we can fix all of this. I am not tragic. We have a great life together but some times I dream of a life with him and that overtakes my real one.

Then the OM is a safety mechanism (as commenced or got exacerbated by your mum's passing) for keeping some of your attachment 'tendrils' from getting really deeply stuck into OH - or a way of removing some - and vice versa despite OM isn't given the choice. Same diff.

Vicamber2014, I think, in your post timed @10:45, you actually answered your own question. He is someone you wanted and because you cannot have him, you want him even more. I also think, (if we go by Susiedq's analysis), the timing of when you both got together was during a very difficult time of your life. Losing a parent is not easy and perhaps everytime you do think of him, subconsciously, you might be going back in time to that very difficult and painful period. You might think it his him you are yearning for when in fact, it could be your mother. I feel that you also need to apply some of the great wise words given by soulmate ie Make a list of everything that made you want to slap his silly face. I can start with one? He has taken away 8 years of your life that you will never get back. I can think of two. His wife fell pregnant whilst he was intimate with you. I can think of three. You quit your job due to him. I can think of four. He gives you nothing, sexually, financially or emotionally. Now, if I have thought of quite a few, I am sure you can think of many more. You need to realise and believe that you are worth more than him and his infidelity. Wouldnt it be nice if you could finally kick his ego down? You have the chance now. He knows he can play mind games with you, he knows he can click his fingers and you will go running so now, why not change that? Feeling rejected by him makes you want him more so why dont you build yourself up and actually reject him but this time work on your emotions and find a way of actually meaning it. You never know, when you DO reject him from the bottom of your heart, you might just stop wanting him. This might just be the breakthrough you need to ACTUALLY get over him.

Well, yes, actually, you do have a very good point, ST. I guess if you want your mum but can't have her as creates a want for something you can't have, the urge probably would get transferred to the next available/possible want-but-can't-have thing, yes, because a charge is a charge. (ST, have you read up about charge and discharge yet?)

Soulmate, did I miss a post? Who is ST?

LOL - SO SORRY, K! - you sounded just like StoneTemple in that last post. (Note to self: Get to SpecSavers.)

Thanks for all the advise. I think my list of reasons to hate him is up in the 30s currently. But I do find my self day dreaming of him. A habit I am trying to break. I have been digging deeper as to why I have form this attachment to a man who really does not even exist. I have almost fallen for a fictitious male and I have just linked this mans face to him. I am also looking at my last relationships. Many have started going back many years ago.. But started with me liking someone, getting with them and losing interest. Also many of the males have been with someone before I have come along and taken them, for want of better explanation. I don't believe I have planned it this way ! Or seemed out attached men. I wonder what made me this way. My dad left when I was 16 but i was not to upset by this of even at all. When I was in my twentys my then Boyffriend was smitten with, left for 3 months because of his dads work commitment. I was in turmoil, he returned and a couple of years later, my head was turned and I left for someone else. I do I think form detachments. When my grand parents were dyeing and with my mum. I almost accepted there deaths before they had died and I think may be did not see them as much as I should although I feel guilt for this.

It may not be a case of what made you this way, but what MAKES you this way. Are you lacking in stimulation and challenges in your everyday life? Are you in the right job or on the right career path? Or are you mentally gearing up for something big thus just not ready to be tied down but have a high libido so pick men who'll basically give you sex relatively on-tap with nothing more? Since you coped so well, first with your dad walking out and then with your mum and grandparents, maybe that showed you you have the strength of mind to go far thus don't want the complications that more normal relationships bring?

Sorry - meant to add: if you were basically just picking men whom you could in a way use for regular sex, yet found the sex empty and meaningless without more mental engagement, it would stand to reason that you might deliberately 'big them up' in your mind whilst totally ignoring their otherwise obvious faults... hence you attributing him allure despite your Reasons To Hate You list could double as wallpaper?

And to add to that. You seem to be doing some soul searching and I think that is great. You are digging deep to find the 'real' answers as to why this toxic man is still able to control your life. I think that is great and you should feel proud of going on this journey of self discovery. Another topic I know but you mentioned feelings of guilt when your grandparents passed away due to you not seeing them as much. If its any consolation, I think many of us are guilty of that. But don't get yourself racked up with guilt. At that time you were probably young and had many issues floating about. Its not that you were not bothered about them because you were but it was your age of being young free and careless. I guess as as we grow older and maturer we look back at our actions and think 'if only'. But don't let that get you down. Make it up by trying to spend time with you parents (or other family members connected to your grandparents) as much as you can. Or, now and then just go out that extra mile for them. Your grandparents will not come back but trust me, doing these little things will make you feel better.

Agree.