At a crossroads in relationship

Summary: I have been dating a guy for the past 2 1/2yrs. We had taken a break previously so we have actually been together for about 3plus years. I am 41 he is 39. We both live in our own homes. We both have kids. His are younger than mine 16 and 10. Mine are 21 and 17. We went to school together and have known each other a long time. we graduated from the same school and know a lot of the same people. We do however live about 45mins apart. We only recently started dating in the past 3yrs. He has a lot of drama with his ex wife. She is not a model mother and he is overly involved with the kids which is good. The kids are not biologically his. He was lead to believe the youngest was but last year after a test found out that he was not. His ex has lied cheated and drug him thru the ringer. He seems to me soooo overly obsessed with her. He seems to be consistently in her business. he fights with her when she changes boyfriends and moves them in and out of their house. He talks to me ALOT about her and the kids and the situation. I handle it for the most part however at times I don't because I feel like that is all we ever talk about or his job. Our relationship is somewhat stressed to me. he doesn't like to show me affection. He wont kiss me or doesn't but on rare occasions. He never talks about the future of us. .He does not tell me he loves me if I tell him he hesitates or he will say it back only because I did say it seems. I have had several conversations with him about how I feel. That I want more that I want him to care and love me.. and that I feel insecure because all we ever focus on is his ex and the troubles they have. This week I worked at a party as a waiter that she attended. She acted as though she did not know me. Which is fine. I don't need to be her friend. She acted somewhat inappropriate with her current bf. Showing off im sure for my sake. I don't like her.. but I think that is because I know the situation and all I hear about is her. After the job my boyfriend calls.. his first question was how SHE acted or inquired about HER.. it hit me wrong and the conversation went south. I said "she is trash.. and I would hope you have no feelings for her or any ounce of hope she is ever going to come back to you" .. he hesitated..and then said he couldn't believe I would ask or say that.. I said well "you are sooo focused on her in every way what am I supposed to think??" Since we have not talked much.. very little on the phone and he is sulking and quiet barely making small talk. he later had said he didn't like the things I said. I said well it is just how I feel. I want my feelings to matter. SOOO the question is..... Do I cut losses with the fact that this is never going anywhere.. nothing has changed... I am not what he wants.. he just wants companionship with me because we are comfortable.. No passion.. no fire.. Is he still aching for his ex.. What do I do ? I care about him but the conversations we have never seems to get me anywhere.. ??? Advice wanted..

Oh, I agree, he sounds stressed to b*ggery! He still has issues with his ex (I'm not bloody surprised, CAN YOU IMAGINE??!!!) and his sense of injustice is so outraged he can't get over it. How utterly GALLING to lose your child (that's the tantamount) AND find out you were duped to that degree over such a grave and deep reality anchorage? In fact, 'galling' doesn't do it justice. He must want to KILL her - LITERALLY! (I know *I* do and I don't even know her!) He wants serious revenge. But it's not possible. So all he can do is fixate on her to know up-to-the-minute whether and when her karmic "comes around" is about to strike (which it will). He wants to be the first to jump up behind her and yell, HAH!!! And he believes you're his co-meerkat, that you care about her getting her comeuppance as equally as him (because you care about him, meaning she made a complete fool out of the man you love). However, as Susie says, stress WILL affect a man like that whereby he doesn't feel like being affectionate. It's not personal. But the fact remains that he's not yet healed enough from that whopping, second-wave crime of hers to be altogether capable of trying to forge a new relationship. I again agree with Susie, something has to be done. But I think, maybe better than any (more?) talking, he needs a short, sharp SHOCK to snap him out of it. Whilst he believes you have the patience of a saint and see his problems as your problems (to that degree), of COURSE he's going to think he can continue merrily on in this vein. But maybe what you said was enough. He might appear to be only sulking, but I imagine he's having a good, long think about it all as well. Well, after he's done with feeling sorry for himself and the fact ANOTHER woman has treated him unfairly, blah-grumpy-blah. If not, he needs to enlist a counsellor's help (preferably a man who can relate first-hand to that sort of heinousness of injustice and who can teach anger-management skills). I wouldn't say this is NEVER going to go anywhere, though. I think that's your excuse to yourself via overreaction to give yourself license to leave, should you actually get to the point where you needed to... you trying to release some of your own mental pressure. However, the fact you got him wrong MIGHT see him deciding you don't get him or love him enough. So if I were you, assuming you DO want to persevere (in the knowledge this WILL have an end), first chance I got I'd take back that 'do you want her back' comment, because that's not what this is about. Get that out of the way and then suggest a little separation period. But this time (if my suspicions are right) WITH ZERO CONTACT. And that means, not even carrier-pigeon. Let him miss you until that turns into agonised yearning, actual grief...and then, maybe, "What Katy Did / What Katie Did With Her Horse / Katie & Her Foal" will suddenly seem less important and gain a better perspective. But what a mind-f*ck to have to cope with. Seriously. The equivalent would be if some health trust had written back when your 21-year-old was only 10, to tell you s/he wasn't actually yours, had accidentally got swapped at birth...that your real kid had meantime died, and they were now taking him/her away to give back to the real parents. Shock-horror indeedie.