My life so far

This is my first post here, and odds are it'll be a very long one, so for those who're interested in reading all of this, I apologise. My name's Kenney, I'm 24, I live in Belgium, and so far my life hasn't been anything remotely worth talking about, however, with how I'm feeling now, I either talk about it, and, I have no one that understands me to talk to, so I have to come here, Or, put an end to it, and frankly, lately I've been feeling more and more like doing the latter...Why? Well it's quite simple, I'm alone. I've recently moved back to Belgium after living in the UK for almost 6 years, the sole reason I moved? A woman. Someone who, at first, seemed like my salvation of all the crap I was going through all those years ago, so when I had the chance to move, I did, oh so eagerly, committing myself fully to her...And at first things went well...I'm going to save you all the boring talk of how a relationship works, however...the last few years, things, didn't go so well, she became more and more, abusive, both physical and verbal, and I put up with it, day in, day out, simply because the alternative was being alone, something I've dreaded my entire life, and, ironically, something I find myself dealing with once again... about a month ago, I moved back to Belgium, moving in with my parents again, which...honestly, is even worse than living in England, even with my Ex's abuse. My parents, don't get on well, not with eachother, not with me, and if anything it's pushing me even further into the abyss of depression, In all honesty I regret moving back home, but I had no choice, in one of her angry fits my ex packed all my stuff and literally kicked me onto the street, took me 3 days of being homeless before I found a way to get home, minus most of my stuff of course, as the few things I was able to take for this long journey, didn't come close to the amount of stuff one gathers in 6 years of life. So now I'm home again, heartbroken, alone, with no one to talk to and the most ''favourable'' way of dealing with it, is an array of choices of suicide. And before any of you give me some generic reply like ''Things will get better'' or ''Life can be worth living'', Prove it. People have been saying that to me for the past 8 years, including my ex, and so far, if anything, life's gotten worse, I suddenly find people that I've known for 10-15 years no longer understand me, how I feel, how I think...And it makes me wonder, if all of this, is, somehow my fault, if I've somehow changed, Have I spent too long in my abusive relationship? Has it damaged me to the point where I can no longer function, even amongst people I've always considered my friends? Or am I just that broken by my own doings that my personal views of myself, and my life, are so...wrong, that they're simply incompatible with anyone else's, resulting in, the inevitability, of being alone, if no one thinks, or feels the same, or even understand what I'm thinking, and why, how can I not be alone? I'm, afraid, to talk to anyone, about my issues, because the few times I have spoken to people, It's always ended up making things worse in the end, Heh, my ex quite literally kicked me out when I finally stood up for myself...Which is perhaps why I question now if it's ever worth doing again, why stand up for yourself if all it does is leave you with less and less each time you do so... I'm 24. And I've done some stupid things, I've self-harmed, I've tried killing myself, I've consumed amounts of alcohol in all shapes and forms to simply dull the pain of life, I lie awake at night, pondering, thinking about how everything's gone wrong...And then there's all my physical health problems, Arthritis in my neck, my knee's, terrible eyes-sight, hearthproblems, I'm 24...Somedays I can barely walk, some days my headaches are so bad all i'm capable of is staring into darkness in the corner of my room waiting for it to go away...And when I realise, all my flaws, all my, problems, I wonder once again, if I ever made the right choice with what I did, despite how, bad, things could get with my Ex, at least I had someone...Now I don't, and with all that's wrong with me, who'll take me? I know very well that at the end of the day, all I am going to be, is a burden, and perhaps that's the reason why my ''favourable'' outcome right now, is to simply, stop.

And you think ending it all is the answer? Hell no. Pick yourself and start tackling the issues. One, get yourself away from your parents. That negativity has most probably put you into this mess in the first place so get away from them. Two, do you have a job? If not, get your CV made and start applying to any job available and I mean literally any. Not only will that give you an income which will help towards your rent but it will help you interact with many different people. That will help you take your mind off things and will make you in yourself feel good. Three, get help. Get counselling for your mental health issues. Make a GP appointment tomorrow. Don't wait until next week. Four, make friends, go online and join a group. Don't think about getting into any relationship just yet. All you need is interaction with positive people. Five, you may think this sounds silly but start learning yoga!!!! yoga will help with all your aches and pains. Learn the art of yoga and trust me on this, you will fight most of your demons away. Just DO NOT GIVE UP. You have so much going for you and you are still so young. You only live once my love so don't throw away such a valuable gift no matter HOW hard the time at present feels.

Did you manage to move forward..perhaps even by a step or two..

Prove it? Okay. HERE I AM. I tried three times to kill myself when I was your age and younger. When you're a hyper-sensitive, overly deep-thinking type with an agonised nose, it's too hard to see beyond the end of it, because, as that type, you're wholly susceptible to emotional overwhelmment. Emotional overwhelmment means just that. The first two attempts, I realised, were just the run-ups. The third attempt would have been successful had my late father not managed to stop me in the nick of time. Know what I learned from it? That I could do it. I really, actually could. My GOD, was that liberating! Because it meant this: I could do it ANY DAY I chose. And that led me to this next logical thought: if I consider myself practically dead anyway, then what have I got to lose by giving 'this' or 'that', something daringly different, a try? Answer: nothing. I saw it as an experiment with an easy exit door always close-by at the ready. I called it my Trap D'or (get it?). Ironic, right? - that knowing I could commit suicide kept me from committing suicide? I took it one fortnight at a time. (And it's since proven to be a mighty long fortnight, LOL.) I suspect I know what your nucleus problem is: you're a late developer. Having a mind that should at the time have been free to concentrate on orchestrating your growth and development and place/role/usefulness in terms of in interaction/finetuning with the outside world and everything in it, yet which was taken up with whatever major distraction - your case, parent/family problems - that side of you got held back. Or certainly its ability to get applied in the environment. Right now you're still, I'm betting, going through the self-identity/status crisis stage of teenagedom. Certainly, that up there sounded distinctly like the thoughts of one (a non-sheep type), despite you have a more mature-sounding eloquence and articulate-ness (astoundingly, actually). So that's why your life is playing out accordingly despite your technical age makes this state of mind seem wholly inappropriate as leads you to think there must be something wrong with you or your life. NO THERE IS NOT, YOU'RE *NORMAL* (or as normal as an obsessively deep-thinker can be). You've got too much mental energy and no-where to put it, basically. It's not a problem that's apparent to you, which just exacerbates it. But it's true. This is what I also firmly learned: For every environmental phenomenon there is a psychological equivalent, one which isn't gender-restricted. What you're experiencing right now is LABOUR PAINS... only where you are both the baby making its way down the birth canal to a new way of being, as well as the human in labour. It's agonising, but like childbirth, there's a huge reward at the end of it, one which makes all the past (present) pain worth it. And not only worth it but cheap at half the price! Let's try explore ways in which you could put that incredible brain of yours to use, shall we? Question: have you ever tried reading your own user manual? Oh, and PS: Yes, people can't generally, in the first instance, take such a drastic, sudden, all-in-one, giant shift to the relationship power dynamic like you tried with gf when the prior, opposite status quo has been for too long allowed to prevail, unless you know how to do it to the correct degree. If the person was all along a deep-down good type with healthy intentions, however, then it can just take them getting used to the new status quo. I don't think you did it properly enough - hence her feeling that a power return was still warranted/open to her and reaching for her power trump card, the Ace. But regardless, something that drastic has a powerful impact which takes the recipient TIME to get their head around beyond the knee-jerk reaction. Yours may be a knee-jerk reaction, still, as well, because you'd have also shocked yourself. So just hold your fire, because The Fat Lady may not have sung yet. And PPS: I agree you should be having face-to-face chats with an experienced counsellor. But I also know that what you need right now is BABY STEPS, not giant leaps. So my intention here is to hopefully provide you with that springboard.

Kenney, if you don't feel like talking at the mo could you at least send us a full-stop so we know you're still alive and kicking, please?

Yep, I agree with Soulmate.. Any type of communication would be appreciated..

I'm still around.

Phew! Thank-you. So do you just not feel like talking yet?

Great!!! Glad to have you back :)

Kenney, do you realise this situation now begs the question, why did you even bother opening this thread and pouring your heart out in the first place if you were then only going to fail to engage with the people who took the trouble to respond? Did you just want to know that there are people in this world who can and do care even about people they don't know, is that it? Seriously, help me out here. Was this a genuine cry for help in the form of advice/suggestions on how to find a path to contentedness or did you just want someones in space to hear you scream? Or are you just in a particularly bad funk right now and would rather leave this for when you feel up to it?

PS: My nan's skin's soo soft that, once she caught a bubble and HER HANDS POPPED!

In all honesty, some of all of those. I'm just in a particularly bad mind-set at the moment and engaging in these...conversations I fear will do me no good, but yes, it is good to know that people are out there that care, and that people ''heard me scream''.

Kenny, that's ok. Gather your thoughts and take your time. Soulmate, I think it is great how you showed your sincerity and concern for this young man. I just hope if, he decides to take any drastic step, he at least should come back on this thread and acknowledge/answer your very detailed and very personal response you gave to him. He THEN should have enough respect to at least await a further reply from you. Kenny, that is the least you owe soulmate (and me) Ps..you have clearly come across some real A holes. Just remember though, there are some kind people in this world.

Cheers, K. :-) I think that's what he meant, though, when he said he's just in a particularly bad mindset AT THE MOMENT. However, Kenney, have you never heard the saying, Better out than in? I think you'll find you'll start to feel BETTER if you engage in these conversations, particularly as I'm not about to start focusing you on the negatives. Not my style. These days I'm so positive I make people positively PUKE! I am pragmatic and realistic, though, and particularly good at finding solutions - even tiny ones that don't call for much energy expenditure but still can make a huge difference when added together. So when you're ready to take a baby-step, or even a fraction of a one, you know where I (and K) are. Meantime, did you find that joke by the Brit stand-up comedian Noel Fielding remotely funny (even if you couldn't actually raise a smile)? Do Belgians have good senses of humour and a stand-up comedy circuit? (I wouldn't know because, oddly enough, and I couldn't say why given how I think I've met every other nationality out there, you're actually the very first one I've ever 'met'. *Ever*.)

Well soulmate, Yes, Belgians do have a good sense of humour for stand-up commedians, I'd name you a few good ones but I doubt you'd understand anything they said, being in dutch and all=p. And yes, I've heard the saying better in than out, however, most of the times when I have shared stuff it hasn't exactly helped me, quite the opposite, really. So in general now I'm quite, careful, when it comes to pouring my heart out. And to K, I'll simply say this, I've read your steps, but unfortunately most of them I can't do, Job for example, I'm disabled, Counselling, the waiting list here is literally years long, I can ask about it, but I know the answer I'll get. Due to my disability I also can't do Yoga, however, Making friends online is something I've been trying to work on, I play a lot of online games, Mostly MMO's, which are quite easy to make new friends on.

Could you not translate one for me? I presume if you found Noel's one funny, the Belgian SOH must be similar, oui? Also, am I and K the exact same people you tried to share stuff with all those other past times? No? So what makes you think you're going to get the same outcome? Are Belgians logical? LOL (you'll have to catch me first). If you're disabled then you rely on your MIND and exploring the INNER universe. That's why I asked you if you'd ever read your own user manual. Have you? I also think you'd make an excellent writer. You've clearly been through the mill for your still-young age. Ever kept a diary or tried writing a book about your experiences? Meanwhile, is there another gamer with whom you've already managed to strike up an ether friendship? PS: Knock-knock? Who's there? The interrupting cow. The interrupting c- MOOO! Come on, Kenney, you're lagging seriously behind! ;-p

Kenny, thank you for coming back on here. You say you Are disabled. What type of disability do you have? Perhaps we can try and give you other ideas as to what you can do under your given circumstances. Soulmate put a good idea forward about writing. Have you considered that? You say when you have shared stuff it has not helped and has been quite the opposite. Can you explain a little more on that? Perhaps one person you were talking about was your ex? You probably poured your heart out to her but she threw it back in your face? But don't let that get you down. She clearly was not stable herself and I say that because of the way she treated you. See her as one of life's lessons but don't let that bring you down. If anything, you should pity her. I say it again. Despite whatever you are going through you are still so young and THAT is what you have going for you. Do not let the pain you have seen in life knock you down. Let that make you stronger. Albeit baby steps but get yourself back up and don't let it defeat you. Take your time and when you are ready do reply back. Just don't forget, you are not alone.