Do I give up on the best love ever?

I'm 33 years old with two children aged 9& 10. Their father left me unexpectedly 5 years ago and I've only managed to move on from that relationship. I lost everything I'd worked for all my life as well as my children to him due to mental breakdown . It was soul destroying at the time even though now I realise he did me the power of good. My second child is autistic. I've recently regained custody of my children but over the years...I've been and sated 4 men. I feel they used me due to my naivety. I met my ex at 17 and we were together till I was 29. Dating has proved very difficult over the years. I dated one guy who just used me for six as I later discovered he was married. I dated other guys who only wanted a casual relationship with me or the other one who was looking for a woman to look after him financially. I was beginning to feel like there was something wrong with me so last January. ..I went online dating and met a lively guy who had been separated for a year and a half. I did not love him but felt contented in the relationship as it helped diverted my attention away from the stresses of every day life. After 6 months together...His separated partner contacted me to reveal that I should stay away from her husband as they wanted to rekindle the relationship. I couldn't bear the news and began feeling worthless. He tried to contact me but I maintained that unless he produced divorce certificate to confirm they were over, I did not want to speak or hear from him. He disappeared from my life and I decided to take my time this time around in choosing the right partner for me. It was 1 year and 4 months since my previous relationship ended and I decided to join a reputable dating site. Within a week...I'd received a message from one guy who separated from his ex partner just before Xmas. I felt he hadn't moved on from that so I replied telling him I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him and besides he's much older at 50!. We continued chatting however and one day he invited me out for coffee. I was taken aback the moment I saw this person. He was a lot younger looking than he did in his photos. He's well cultured and very posh compared to me and my background being African. He introduced me to theatre and Shakespeare and took a lot of interest in my culture also. I really enjoyed spending time with him and one day he confessed he was in love with me. I tried to play it cool and said thanks. I cannot praise this man enough....After seeing one another for a couple of months I asked him if he'd like to take the relationship one step further. ..He insisted that we follow correct procedure with regards to sti tests etc prior. I was really surprised as it's been me who had initiated sti testing in previous relationships. We've been having a sex now for 2 months and I can honestly feel I have never been happier. We have introduced our children to one another and his are so adorable although I have not met his daughter yet...she's gone off to Aberdeen uni and this man thinks she will find it difficult to cope with the new relationship. I've never been this happy as I feel I do not have to lose myself ....He lives me for me.. All my quirkiness etc..He loves. For the first time in my adult life I'm experiencing love. He's told his parents and friends about me although I'm yet to meet them. I can tell he no longer thinks about his ex partner...well not whilst we are together anyway but I'm so afraid his feelings towards me are of lust not love. I can say I'm attractive and look extremely young and fit for my age. I feel in time he will get bored and want to return to normality ie his ex...After all they were together for 23 years! And she is the mother of his kids! As our relationship progressed, we decided to introduce our children to one another and discussing the possibilities of us living together. As a result, I've been spending weekends at his along with my 2 boys(aged 8 and 9) in order to get them used to the area as well as his house. His children however are virtually adults and the 2 boys choose to live with their father since their mother moved out. They are lovely kids like their father and they are ever so kind and considerate towards my boys. A couple of weeks ago, Ian informed me that his ex partner had been in touch suggesting that she'd like to start communicating once again for the sake of their youngest son (Blake).I found that puzzling that in almost a year she resisted any form of communication with Ian only to suggest that they start to communicate again once she's learned that he's moved on and met someone else. I voiced my concerns to him but he basically dismissed them. Last week was Blake's birthday and he turned 17. Ian suggested that they eat out but Blake insisted that he'd like to stay in and order a pizza instead whilst playing on his new game console his father had bought him. As they ate pizza, Ian's ex partner suddenly turned up at the property bringing along a cake she had baked for Blake. This woman had left the family home almost a year ago never to set foot in the property again and suddenly she decides to start visiting. I once again voiced my concern to Ian, he suggested that I was being unreasonable and that it was perfectly natural for her to want to see her son on his birthday even though it meant she would revisit a house she'd vowed never to set foot into again....I'm struggling to get Ian to see that this is her way of slowly walking her way into his life but he will hear non of it. I told him it didn't make any sense that they've had ample opportunity in the past to speak to one another especially with previous birthdays, their first son Nathan graduating from Cambridge university with a first class etc, their daughter passing her A levels and going off to university in Aberdeen. Non of these events called for an opportunity to communicate. Why now??? Why now we are about to embark on that next step of our life. I can tell he finds it flattering that she is now showing an interest because when she left (for no apparent reason whatsoever) he felt lost and confused. Of course I'm fully aware that you can't just irradicate 25 years of memory with someone overnight. I have no doubt whatsoever that he loves me unconditionally and i do trust him however i do not feel i can sit and watch him play happy families with his ex partner from time to time whilst he's involved with me. I made that clear to him. I do not wish for him to be enemies with his ex partner however, i feel that he wants to re establish the familiarity they once shared i.e.....spending "happy family moments like Christmases and birthdays together" . Their children are virtually adults, i therefore do not think this is necessary as they are quite able to make their way to and fro their parents houses to celebrate events separately as has been the case now for almost a year. I feel by re establishing that level of contact with his ex partner, will also send confusing messages to the children, giving them hope that perhaps one day their mum and dad could live together again causing his children to start resenting me. Ian is aware of the nature of the relationship i have with my ex husband. We get along really well for the sake of the children and we only communicate only on issues relating to the children. We holiday separately with the children. Birthdays and Christmases are celebrated separately and we do not go into each other's houses. As a result my children are fully aware that mum and dad will never live together again and they were able to transition very easily once they realised Ian was a part of our life. Ian does not want to understand my concerns. Perhaps i'm being unreasonable or too cautious i do not know hence the reason i would like some sort of professional intervention. > Please help me....how do I pursue this relationship without appearing cold but yet again avoid being heart broken should he decide to return to his ex. I can't afford to lose him but I love him so much I would want the best for him should he choose to return to her. It's her decision that they are not talking to one another. I believe if she decides she wants to return....he'll no doubt welcome her because as it is in life...We love staying in nice hotels whilst on holiday but ultimately. .We all want to return home at the end of the day where it's comfortable and homely. Please help

The lessons are clear, then, aren't they: 1. Don't expect (re your first rebounds) a relationship that lacks the most important criterium - major sexual love - to make you long-term happy or even last very long. 2. If you can't tell when someone's telling the truth or not, about being separated, as in, on the way to divorce, stick to dating only men who are divorced AND have had long enough to get over it where they won't start acting out all over you. 3. When you DO make that decision, make sure it's a FIRM one...one you stick to (unless the ACTIONS tell you he's a true exception to that rule). 4. Don't be bowled over by veneers. So WHAT if a man's so-called posh? I doubt his poos and farts are, I expect they're as [scuse pun] common as muck as everyone else's. I mean, how is the fact he's posh helping you out any, right now, hmm? 5. Don't ask any man if he wants to take the relatioship further. THAT'S HIS JOB. You not Tarzan, you Jane. Old fashioned as that sounds, that's the age of wiring we're still operating on when it comes to romance, specifically the Wooing/Chasing period. Obey nature and act like a WOMAN - waiting to receive and respond by showing approval or disapproval as befits - as gives him the floor in terms of room to prove he wants commitment and the entire shebang with you. You act like you're above nature and you SEE what you get as a result. 6. "We've been having a sex now for 2 months and I can honestly feel I have never been happier." Don't confuse great sex for meaningful emotional happiness. Great sex should be the icing, not the whole cake itself. 7. Don't ever listen to the blah-blah-blahs unless they've been followed up with congruous ACTIONS. It sounds like he already was setting you up to expect potential failure and brace, courtesy of his daughter's disapproval, as a way of making you hold off a portion of your attachability. And how do YOU know he's told his family? Until you meet them and hear them verify that they were told about you back when he said they were, it's just hearsay (his), not a fact. 8. If he's too stupid to appreciate that his ex has simple Dog In Manger syndrome, meaning if she got him off you she'd soon enough realise she didn't truly want him back (just to win the female-female competition), then posh SMOSH - you need a man with EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. And you SHOULD doubt him, because... ...Here's what would have happened if at that stage MY ex had just invited himself into my house and in my then-boyfriend's face or vice versa his in mine: "No, you *can't* come in, you didn't ask if you could join us so it's rude and inappropriate and I won't have the wo/man I love's feelings bashed and ignored like that, sorry...next time ring [re-closes front door]". When you genuinely love someone, you act accordingly, including protecting and enhancing their happiness thus your relationship with them. Flattered or not, therefore, this Ian cared more about his ego (or his secret hopes for reconciliation with his ex-wife) than you/your relationship. Event-evidenced FACT! So that's that put in its true and proper perspective. I strongly recommend you AT LEAST take a good few steps back. He can not have his cake and eat it, i.e. [a] you duped warm on the side as he bit by bit welcomes back his ex using the seeming extra allure and pulling power of another woman (you) sat there wanting him, until he's ready to discard you, nor [b] you waiting still warm and ready in the wings for the minute that little campaign doesn't work out. I'm not saying that exes and new partners can't mix and be civil. But it's generally based on the ex's full and willing agreement, not something that's foisted on her against her will and approval. No, he does NOT love you as much as you think he should because however much portion of his heart (or ego) clearly is still attached to the ex-wife, and no he is NOT wholly trustworthy if he could ride that roughshod over your most sensitive feelings like that - not to mention then trying to JUSTIFY it like you're the unreasonable one (pff!). Also, the children are not on your side. Nor would be any children towards ANY woman not their mother when they have cause to believe mum might want dad back and dad might be amenable - never MIND their otherwise friendly faces and demeanours. I suspect that's why Blake insisted you all stay in - using the excuse of the games console (despite it wasn't going anywhere). He already knew mum's plan. I mean, seriously. What lad his age doesn't want to go out to a pizza restaurant on his birthday?! Put it this way: did he largely ignore his mum and her visit because he was too busy playing on his console? I'm betting not (how queer!). No, you are NOT being unreasonable. You are, however, being a bit too readily trusting and naive. You let hope (and great sex) do your assessments, judging and decisions FOR you. Sure, you're supposed to let your heart lead, with your head meanwhile just ready to step in to play supervisor if/when things start to feel not quite right. But despite this giant Red flag, you are still refusing to relinquish that supervisory/rescue role to your intellect. What you have to do is tell Ian that you consider his total unwillingness to respect (and put that respect IN MOTION) your perfectly rightful, healthy and warranted personal point of view and feelings about this situation - a dealbreaker - and that you are not willing to continue forging a relationship with him until such time as he's concrete-decided he wants to continue moving on with his life with you rather than going backwards with her or even the family set-up they in the past shared (emphasis on IN THE PAST, given how if family togetherness had been all that appealing, it surely would have proven the very glue that kept them together. YET IT DID NOT). If it comes to it - yes, you CAN afford to lose him. And maybe you're supposed to so that whomever else is your definitive upgrade can get within 2 feet of you in order to get that romantic ball-rolling started. Whilst you're in a potentially dead-end relationship with Ian, you won't be receptive to advances nor even NOTICE them. Imagine an Ian *without* the bad bits and with even greater plus points? Wouldn't you want that? Assuming you do, cut those rotten bits out RIGHT NOW whilst you still can, or, as I say, make yourself single and receptive to "him" (whomever he is out there making his way as we speak to an area near you). In summary, it's because you didn't really learn your lesson last time about never agreeing to step into a relationship with a man who wasn't *fully* out of his last relationship, that you find yourself 'back here' again. This Ian was sent to really drum it home to you, I reckon... in time for the REAL deal. Trust me: a man who's right for you thus really loves you won't even HAVE to be told to send the meddling ex away again. He won't even whoops-forget. He'll do it naturally off his own bat without even having to stop and think about what he's doing and why. So that tells me all I need to know. Doesn't it you, now?

Yes, but the difference is this man's ex turned up out-of-the-Blue *UNINVITED*.

Actually, thinking about it some more (whilst it's quiet), MS COVENT, I'm going to alter one diagnosis slightly... The FACT she was uninvited at least goes some way to defining Ian's precise problem. And I say fact because, either: [a] He had no idea she was planning to - "surprise!!!" - turn up, or [b] He knew or had some inkling and decided against and to head her off at the pass. ...Because, otherwise, he wouldn't have been the one to suggest you all GO OUT, would he (think about it). That was an avoidance tactic, which Blake put a spanner into. So I think the issue is this: "Yes, I'm secure and trust him. But *what* am I secure with and have trust for?!". The answer is: a man who loathes confrontations (gosh, how rare..NOT) and doesn't want any such further aggro with his ex. I mean, for an ex to just turn up like that, totally uninvited, is the actions belonging firmly to an over-entitled, spoiled baby who's used to getting her own way all the time, and to hell with what anyone else things/feels - to the point of BULLY. I imagine that on the one hand, Ian dislikes the situation as much as you. On the other hand, however, if he can make lemonade out of those lemons by seeing you suddenly sitting up to greater attention and clinging tighter like you used to in the first flush, then he's bound to be conflicted about doing something he dreads anyway - taking firm action to put paid to her shennanigans. This doesn't change the remedy, however. You still have to put your foot MAJORLY down - all the way if necessary - so that you start as you mean to go on. Trust me, a man who truly loves you won't LET you dump him. (That's why we have such a thing as anti-harrassment/stalking laws, ha-ha-but-I'm-serious). So never, EVER let fear stop you from sticking up for yourself and the future, lasting quality of your relationship. A woman who demonstrates she loves herself first and foremost, is most attractive to a healthy man, because it validates, verifies and ELEVATES in his eyes the calibre of love she claims she holds for him. Particularly one who was once married to a selfish, self-obsessed ex like her.