Am I behaving badly?

My husband of 12 years is insecure and jealous. I understand this and while it can be difficult to live with I have done so for 20 years. At the weekend I went away with some girlfriends had a lovely night went for a run , a swim lovely dinner a few drinks. There was s wedding at the hotel and we popped in to see the band. Ended up chatting to lots of the guests and the bride. Had a great time and were actually made feel welcome! I came home and relayed the story to my husband and he was horrified that we gate crashed a wedding and that we were acting like a bunch of teenagers and not like 40 year old married women. He had voiced his concern about the trip earlier in the week and while he says that he's not stopping me from doing what I want he did actually expect me to cancel the trip ! Did I behave very badly ? His remark was that if it was just me and him we would not have done that but with the girls anything is on! He does not trust me at all even though I have never given rise to this. His trust issues are actually from a previous relationship. Should I tolerate this from him or how do I handle this ?

You know your husband's issues and they are speaking when he says your behavior was inappropriate. After 12 years of marriage, he should be starting to trust again and he needs to forget about his past. If you were made feel welcome at the wedding, then there is no issue. Plenty of people welcome total strangers to help them celebrate a happy occasion. When he states he won't stop you but he EXPECTS you to cancel(for you to comply to his wishes), then he is attempting to isolate and control you. You need to take your thoughts further to determine just where your marriage is at, because for you to be totally happy, you need trust which is the foundation of any relationship. It's ok to understand his insecurity but it's your choice whether you need his opinions which are 'left field' and whether you need his manipulation which is slowly but surely shaping your marriage and your life with him. Ask yourself why you had a fun time with other people...

Hang on a cotton pickin' minute... You obviously have always been aware your husband is a very territorial man (the 'downside' of a passionate type who's fruit loopy over a woman), meaning, apt to get insecure/over-reactive to perceived threats, given the right circumstances. Yet you married him, and thereby by implication said, 'I accept this side to your character along with all other sides, and will deal with it'. And yet your way of dealing with it, even at this late stage, is: You go away with "the girls" - women whom I'm betting are either single or act like they are at every available opportunity (hence you call them The Girls instead of The Ladies or just My Women Friends, whatever), then come home and tell him all the ins and outs of your escapades, unexpurgated version, like there's nothing wrong with joining in with a once-in-a-lifetime party you weren't invited to (just because the guests happened to be too drunk or happy to mind or even know you were gatecrashers)? And then act all surprised when he - man who knows full well what men on the prowl for women behaving like singletons/with abandon are like - reacts like his relationship with you came close to being under threat?...and surprised that he'd in the run-up hoped you'd pay more attention and consideration to his learned anxiety? Are you having a laugh or what? Do you also press a lift button and then go, "WHEUUGH!", when the doors open to reveal a lift?

I mean, don't get me wrong: the fact your group gatecrashed a WEDDING of all things (where it's a given that people, including single male guests, will get utterly BLOTTO) yet were lucky enough not to have seriously ruffled anyone's feathers and gotten yourselves unceremoniously chucked out on your arses, is neither here nor there, really, other than how it presents as a symptom of how bold you become en masse (because you're not telling me you'd have dared do that had you been on your own or with just one other woman, right?). To wit: "but with the girls anything is on!" Where did he get THAT impression from, eh? The overall issue is about how one would have thought after ***20 LONG YEARS*** you'd have either [a] DONE something to help put paid to this allegedly ongoing 'insecurity and jealousy' and struggle or his against his masculine urge to control all outside threats in your relationship or [b] at least learned how to box cleverer about it. And, yes, it IS your job as a long-term married woman to help your partner cope emotionally with upsets; that's why the saying, "marriage is hard, hard work". I noticed the fact you say your husband expected you to cancel this trip - AFTER you having heard him voice his concerns aka make an appeal to you. Is that because he'd do likewise were the shoe on the other foot (or even has done in the past)? And what are his concerns founded on? I'd hazard a guess and say it was the fact this group of women manage to get you behaving like a single, early 20-something with the chutzpah to suit, which from a man of the world's point of view is you leaving yourself open, as I say. Is he naive or over-active in fearful imagination to see it that way? I, who used to regularly cruise with a group of manly men, would say, *absolutely not*. I'd say his was a perfectly natural reaction for a man who's still heavily into his woman and isn't given to naivety (and that if you don't like that, marry a woman or a womanly man instead). High testosteron-ed, high libido-ed men on the prowl are PREDATORY. They don't give a sh*t if you're wearing a wedding ring. They're looking for any vibes, demeanours and behaviour that override what the ring ordinarily would (or used to!) say, which is, "don't even think about it!". Give them an inch in that respect and they WILL try to take a mile. And if you're in high spirits and artificial bravery, and especially under the influence of alcohol, you become a mark. Even if nothing like that were to actually happen, how is it kind and considerate team spirit to worry your team-mate WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO? I refer specifically to your reportage on return from these jaunts. You have TOTAL CONTROL over what impressions he receives and whether they leave him reassured and less likely in the future to get agitated or the complete opposite. TOTAL control. That you gave him all the unedited ins and outs here suggests too strongly that this is common occurrence on your part. Ever heard of the concept called pushing someone's buttons? Me, I'd have toned it down (- where's the harm to you, after all? Nowhere, that's where.). Your husband is NOT one of your girlfriends, likely to go, 'tee-hee, cool!' - he's a man, one who's invested heavily in you and this relationship for two whole decades and clearly still cares mightily about the possibility of losing you. Lucky you, eh? Do you know how many women come here day-in-day-out to report the distinct opposite? And all he did was express his misgivings in the HOPE you might feel sympathy towards the fact he'd more than likely spend the entire weekend worrying. (Knowing he is - how can you even enjoy yourself to that degree?) Furthermore, I couldn't help but notice your OP was devoid of the usual poster crux question about what you should DO. So apparently this thread is merely about settling a difference in opinion, who's right and who's wrong. Again, it's not about who's right or wrong in that black & white, cops and robbers way. It's about one team-mate accepting and respecting the unique sensitivities of the other - sensitivities that are natural even *without* apparent, understandable cause for trepidation - and behaving befittingly considerately, given how, as I say, you ACCEPTED his nature and any residual baggage when you agreed to marry him. That means, your bed, now you lie in it. And you have CHOICES over how you lay. Regarding the argument, I'm sure in that repeat, emotionally-loaded circumstance he may WELL have gone typically verbally OTT and said 'expected' instead of 'hoped'. But expects is as expects *does*, which is create a right stink the minute the expectation goes unmet. Clearly there was no stink (albeit, I imagine he might have pouted some). I think YOU might have pouted, too, had the shoe been on the other foot and the weekend featured him and a group of men high on liberation joining in with some Stag bash and HE came home relaying it all without due consideration of your pre-known sensitivities and feelings, particularly if it were you who'd had relevant bad experience in the past and were him who never held back on the ins and outs upon his return. You'd be on here like a shot, going, 'My husband's gone on yet another lads get-together even though I keep saying it makes me feel insecure given the fact that whenever he gets with them he behaves in outrageous ways that suggest he's single or up for fun rule-breaking that he'd never do when with me [etc., etc.]'. He'd have been labelled insensitive, inconsiderate and immature. My opinion is that, at the least, your emotional elbow doesn't know what your emotional arse is up to. Rather than try to manage and improve this ongoing contention (by, this case, using the tool at your disposal called, ignorance/censorship is bliss), you're STILL failing to take into account how HE sees things and adjusting your behaviour upon returning, to suit. And we're not talking about anything as unpalatable as walking on eggshells and dancing around him, here, whereby you start to lose you, are we. No. We're simply talking TACT AND DIPLOMACY aka sensitivity. You DO know how to do that because you demonstrated it in the opening phrase of your second sentence. But the mouth is saying one thing whilst the actions are doing another. By the sounds of it, you're not doing *a thing* to avoid pushing or even accidentally knocking against his buttons. It is VERY unkind to keep re-activating and keeping alive someone's primitive and baggage-based fears like that, whether or not whatever degree of unwittingly. But FYI, baggage doesn't LAST 20 years if starved of food. So that just leaves innate insecurity or constant insecurity re-activation, doesn't it. Failing in a marriage to do something good and productive is as wrong as doing something (this case, drip-drip) bad or harmful. Particularly when you have the full control to, including all the tools at your ready disposal. I can only conclude a part of your mind must get a kick out of pushing his buttons, that his insecurity equals your greater sense of security. Think on, Mrs Never-Given-Rise-To-This. Next time, try this easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy measure: "How was it? Oh..you know... nice, yeah... had a swim, had a drink, went to bed about midnight cos we were knackered, then after breakfast had a game of tennis... Missed you too much, though [hug and kiss]." Regular texts to ask him how he is and let him know you're thinking about him wouldn't go amiss, either. Is that level of thoughtfulness, kindness and considerateness on the part of a loving wife too much to ask, is that measure somehow rocket science, She-Who-Doesn't-Like-Her-Husband's-Ongoing-Insecurity-Attacks? If it is... if you insist his insecurity IS all his and has NOTHING to do with you, the next solution on the list so that you don't have to 'put up with' ANOTHER 20 long years of his 'constant insecurity and jealousy', is even simpler: couples counselling.