Please help with my oversensitive and controlling boyfriend

Basically i am an 18 year old girl who has never been in a very serious, somewhat longterm relationship before the one i am currently in. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 8 months and we are very, very happy together a big majority of the time. It's just that my boyfriend is so sensitive that the slightest thing I would say and think nothing of it is the end of the world for him. For example one day we were having a great day and we were watching a show on tv when some girl does some flips to get by lasers and he says that shes probably a gymnast and i say that shes either a gymnast or a cheerleader or something and he got so mad and angry and his mood completely flipped (hes a pisces by the way). When he has an opinion about something i cant voice an opposite opinion or else "we would have to break up" because he is so stubborn. I don't understand why we would break up over the fact that I don't think that every single cheerleader is an untalented slut. But this is just some trivial example i thought of on the spot. This makes me feel like i have to walk on glass sometimes but I just want to help him realize what's really important to argue over and care about but i am not sure how. He is also controlling because his biggest fear is getting cheated on. I have never cheated before and i have been cheated on so i know how it feels and i personally would never cheat and he should know this so I don't understand why he is so controlling. I never see my best friend anymore or any one else for that matter unless its at college which isn't the biggest deal to me because i never spent a whole lot of time with friends after i began to mature but still its not healthy. I enjoy spending everyday with him but like today for example i went to his house at 11:30 AM and woke him up and he said i was late and then i went to leave at 10:30 PM because i have to get up a bit early tomorrow and he got upset at me for leaving so early on a weekend. He just stopped talking to me and i tried to calmly talk to him and he kept telling me to shut up and then he said he hates me. I dont know how to deal with this behavior and how to help him to stop being so emotional over trivial things and to not worry so much. I dont talk to any boys aside from group projects in school or debates and i only wear skirts or things that cover my butt because i have a big butt and he doesnt want anyone else to see. He has gotten better but its slow and i am patient i just dont want to mess anything up and i want advice on how to approach the situation. Like recently i wore sweatpants to school and he didnt throw a tantrum or anything even though he would prefer me to wear a skirt or dress. I just really love him and our relationship is perfect aside from this (i think its because of insecurities perhaps) and i am more than willing to work hard on fixing our relationship so that it is healthier. Thank you for reading this and hearing me out, it means a lot because I really don't have anyone to go to advice to because I am no longer close with any friends and my family will just tell me to break it off which i dont want, i want to fight for our relationship.

Hey there, I read your situation with interest. What I'm hearing loud and clear is the fact that he appears to want to control you and you keep doing things to keep him happy . Are you authentically being yourself ? Does he love you exactly as you are , track pants and all ? If he is prone to outbursts then there is something that he's not saying , there is nothing worse than living on the edge of a nuclear bomb , treading on eggshells. In your heart of hearts you'll know what you need to do , you're just scared of the relationship ending , but I'm afraid you have to tackle these issues head on otherwise youre simply saving things up for a leather date. I would sit him down , talk to him , if he can't talk and communicate then I'm afraid there IS no relationship , relationships are 2 way , based on two equally happy individuals that want to spend time together ....if you're dependant on him for your happiness and no longer have many friends , does this not sound wrong to you? Time to confront this man, if it means him leaving then it may mean just that , you're young, don't waste time complicating your life, get out there , he needs to see you strong, that's where attraction lies.

"He has gotten better but its slow and i am patient i just dont want to mess anything up and i want advice on how to approach the situation......I just really love him and our relationship is perfect aside from this (i think its because of insecurities perhaps) and i am more than willing to work hard on fixing our relationship so that it is healthier." Fairenoughski. Try whatever you can think of...and if it doesn't work, at least you can walk away with your head held high knowing it wasn't down to you, right? When you're in love with someone and think they're the greatest thing since sliced bread (talking about him here), it can make you sensitive to every little thing they think, say and do, anyway. Add in a part of your mind with the background post-traumatic attitude of "Life must hate me and have it in for me" as has you JUST WAITING for the basstud to strike you down again, and you're left doubly thin-skinned and doolally. Why am I telling you this? You obviously have great insight and understanding into what his problem is already. What it seems you DON'T know is, not how to dump him, but where to draw lines; where being compassionate and understanding tips into doormat-dom or where firm rigidity and a no-nonsense attitude becomes hard, uncaring bizc. I'm sure he DOES know you wouldn't ever become a cheater if you yourself have been cheated on. But his fear is obviously still too keen to allow his commonsense to rule. Fear is also not rational, it's a reflexive thing. Example, if I were a new friend of yours, and some friend before me had got you used to being slapped out of nowhere, and I raised my hand and arm a bit too suddenly and speedily to pull a stray hair out of my eyes, you'd probably flinch and jerk your head away, expecting a slap. That's what you're dealing with here, that part of his feelings in connection to you is not personal at all. (Bloomin' feels like it though.) With him being so overly into you and so overly post-traumatically insecure and 'meerkat'-like, reading negatives-too-far into everything and anything that strikes as potentially suspect (i.e. 'she doesn't really love me, sob!') I think even if ever he DID over-react too far and tell you it was over, it wouldn't be. He'd be begging you back within days (after a giant man-sulk, obviously). So with that the case, and because you don't want to end up with an artificially on-off relationship in response to every what-should-be normal clash and difference, here's the formula: dare to react towards him the same as you would towards any long-term, platonic best friend with a similar history to his who were behaving like that... a balance between firm, and flexible only when it matters. HOWEVER!...Be very, very careful how you do it. You sound as if you've already let him encroach into and reposition some barriers of yours, meaning, if you were to suddenly newly tighten them all it would prove too much in one go for his mind and have him paranoically believing something was suddenly wrong or afoot (e.g. you'd met another fella) to have propelled your self-assurance and confidence by such a drastic degree within such a short space of time. So you're going to have to be clever about it. Tighten the lines GRADUALLY. And try to give him excuses and reasons that contain a spin which instead of wounding his ego, FLATTER IT MAJORLY. Example: 'No, I'm NOT wearing a skirt...I've been put RIGHT off wearing skirts because yesterday the wind lifted it, meaning some, ugh!, creepy bloke got to see my knickers, and I'm not having that because that view is reserved for YOU AND ABSOLUTELY NO-ONE ELSE!'. Do you see how that kind of statement would work to flatter and reassure him whilst getting you your own rightful way anyway? If you're too impatient now for that more measured strategy, when someone is 'over-starved' and constantly braying for food like that (I'm talking about his ego here), you're left with two other choices. You either fois gras them until they yell 'Enough, mercy!' or you do the other oppositional extreme, i.e. walk away (and thereby make them LIVE the very fear they've been desperately trying to avoid experiencing, in order to see it disempowered and back into proper perspective). Example: I once, back when I was about 19/20, had a boyfriend who, although otherwise too adorable to chuck, was so insanely insecure and possessive that amongst other things he - I kid you not - would phone me at my workplace literally every hour on the hour.. to the point where even my boss was getting majorly pissed off with him. So with boss's (amused) permission, I spent a whole day doing the exact same back to boyfriend..."Hi, what you doing? I'm just going out for a sandwich and I'll be back in 10 minutes"... "Hi, it's me again, just wanted to say, love you, mwa!"...any pretext I could think of, no matter how stupid and contrived. By about the 10th call, he said, 'Er, listen [my name]... you don't have to be calling me ALL the time, you know?'. Said I, chirpily, 'Oh, okay, sorry!'. It was THAT SIMPLE. Course it was, it was called, taste of own medicine, and it works wonders on blokes who can't, for whatever reason, otherwise empathise or be aware about how they themselves are coming across. So now, think of all the ways he behaves and try to deliberately do likewise. Tell him, not those trousers, THESE trousers, and, when he rebels, remind him that getting to choose each other's items of clothing is HIS rule. In other words, make ALL of his rules for you your rules for him. He'll then be too intent on removing and relaxing those rules to realise they're his own ones. Even if he does catch on immediately, so what. Rules is rules and if he doesn't like them he shouldn't set them. Hope that helps.

OMGoooosssshhhh! your situation and my situation is very similar. So my advice for you is that.. don't trust your boyfriend so much.. maybe your boyfriend has making psychological opposite ways .. example: he don't want you to cheat on him.. he don't want you to talk with other boys, even your friends? omg.. im not sure with your boyfriend. my boyfriend is so strict more than your bf, but you know i found out he made an other facebook account and chat a lot of girls, and ask them to be his gf. my mistakes that i trust him so much. So, i advice you to make sure he's loyal to you.

First I just want to say thank you all so much for all of your input and I am going to keep rereading these for a few nights and think things more thoroughly through. I plan on responding to everyone but I am going to tackle one at a time. RTRCOUNTDOWN, honestly I am being myself and I am being authentic but I did change bad habits, so I did change. For example, my boyfriend and I dropped cursing and using slang. We both thought it made us look bad plus I am planning on going into a career teaching children how to speak and obviously I want to be professional so it was a good change. At first we had this cute little idea that if we cursed then we would be tickled for a minute and it was fun while also helpful to us. But after a while it became a big deal because if I slipped up then it showed him that I am not perfect and that I can make mistakes and to him the smallest mistake can mean that someday I could make a bigger mistake. Lately though he has improved overrall. Before I would react negatively to his mistakes even small ones but now I learned that being more laid-back about things like that actually loosens the grip on me. Like he uses a bit of slang now and I just go with it as long as it is not offensive which helps him show whats a big deal and whats not a big deal. BUT, aside from change of habits, when I am at his house I do what I want to do and I just get nice company. I just like to relax when I get home and sit around and watch movies or tv shows or play with the dogs or play games and that happens to be what he wants as well. So I just do whatever I want but with the company of my loved one, which is great. I make whatever jokes come to mind and he finds me hilarious and I just feel comfortable and good. I believe I am being authentic because I am never really thinking of what I should do rather I am just doing what I want. As for the trackpants thing, he thinks I am beautiful 24/7 no matter what I look like. I never liked putting on makeup and he thinks I am beautiful without it. Even in sweatpants he thinks I look cute its just that he is very jealous and he doesn't want other people to be oogling me. Thats the main thing here. Thats why he doesn't want me to wear sweatpants outside but when I had to do it (wanted to) he didn't say anything much or start an argument, which is good and I just want to keep things moving in this direction. Originally I rarely saw my friends anymore and I only spent time with him but now as school has been going on for a while I have been talking to more people and even rekindled an old friendship. So yes I know that it was wrong before but it is getting better and I don't want to leave him now that things are getting better. My main problem was that I let him indulge in his controlling behavior by responding in similar ways that he did to situations but now that I am being more laid back and trying to show him that some things are okay I also find that he is relaxing a bit more and seeing that he is going to extreme. He has learned a lot and he is growing and I just want to help that and not stunt his growth either. Like last night was halloween and I stayed over late watching scary movies with him but there was no one to drive me home. The only two options were to take a cab home or to sleepover. After I told him a few times about comments cab drivers made or just some being weird he decided that its not safe to take a cab home anymore so he would only want me to take one home if it was a last resort kind of thing. But calling my grandmother at midnight to ask to sleepover just seems ridiculous to me for multiple reasons. It makes me look irresponsible and even conniving and I am just going to wake her up so she can get mad and yell at me. When I didnt call her he was all upset and was saying how being in a relationship sucked and that i was annoying him and to just leave now. I realized that he didn't understand my position all he knew was that hes worried about me and that this sucks. So I called my grandmother up and asked her and after her yelling at me and having her talk to my boyfriends parents she said yes but she was upset with me). After all of this big commotion involving not only me and my boyfriend but his mom and my grandmother he understood and apologized for "being a big baby". This was seriously important to me and realized that theres no reason to overreact to this. I just want to keep this going and help him gain more understanding and acceptance.

SOULMATE, I see what you are saying about the reflex thing but he has never been cheated on, its just his biggest fear. Anyways I think I understand your gradual strategy and I definitely prefer it over the other two ways. I feel like those two ways are sort of playing games and I think that can lead to no good. Originally I TRIED doing the method you said when you texted your boyfriend every hour or so. Like he didnt want me to hug or have any physical contact with any other male so I tried to give him a taste of his own medicine by tightening my grip on him in regards to female interaction but I think that set us back. Now when a girl texts him asking a question about school work he asks me if he should respond or not I tell him "either tell the girl if you know it or ignore it if you dont" rather before I would just say "ignore her" and complain why she even had to ask him (wasnt she paying attention?). This method has worked well with me as now when i met my boyfriends male friend for the first time and i was offered a handshake I awkwardly declined but later my boyfriend said that it is fine to shake his hand and that i should for future reference. Whereas if this happened before my boyfriend would probably not have wanted me to shake his hand. So I think the gradual method is the best way to go and I am trying to figure out ways to implement that.

Then for whatever reasons, possibly even hormonal (steep fluctuations), it would seem he's just an uptight, volatilely moody type of lad. Or perhaps, as you imply, you've up until now given him the idea that he can take too many liberties with you in whatever areas he likes at any given moody moment? I have to ask, however: what were you actually trying to ACHIEVE by concertedly getting him anxious over the thought of you being alone with a cab driver? Did you hope he'd insist you stayed the night? If that wasn't your aim, your behaviour would come across as you doing nothing but voicing a problem without including the suggestion of any solutions, i.e. creating unnecessary drama. That WOULD be stress-making and frustrating for the other person, don't you think? At the end of the day, however, it's not your job to manage his personal growth and level of comfort with the world and his place in it. Not to the extent you indicate. That's for his parents and, now, at his age, himself to worry about. All YOU should worry about is whether the 'more or less finished article' is up to your standards and expectations, or at least headed in that direction (which means whether or not you can see he has *real* rather than merely suspected or hoped-for potential in terms of what greater challenges and responsibilities will increasingly get presented to him as the relationship deepens and intensifies). My suggested strategy *is* playing games, but as a far shorter-lived alternative to having to put up with or field such acted-out insecurity or 'cat-kicking' nonsense in the long term. There is short, sharp, tweak which is barely any skin off your nose, and then there is actual pandering. Not liking the thought of other men lusting after your form in clothes that show them off is one thing, because that's a common male worry at that stage of the relationship, but I think going as far as to have you hesitating over whether merely to shake another person's hand(!) until you receive his say-so(!!), is going that bit too far. So clearly you *were* having difficulties knowing which things were your normal, reasonable everyday rights and which could be viewed as slightly inappropriate now that you're in a relationship as called for a bit of sensitivity. I mean, what on earth could be harmful about a mere handshake, what problem could your bf possibly have had with that?