A little thing called love

Hi all (or none) I have an issue I wanted to share. Don't think it can be helped but I wanted it off my chest all the same, so I suppose here is as good a place as any. I have relationship issues. And I've always had. You could call me socially awkward I suppose. Its not easy for me to connect with people in general, especially on an intimate level. I find it difficult nigh impossible to open up. This has led to the self-sabotage in my past relationships. Even though my partner would feel content or even happy, I am normally left feeling distant, as if it was all abstract to me. So why bother, you ask? Well it's probably because I get a high from intimacy. I love the feeling as she shudders under my skin, or when she gasps with pleasure in my ear. I love the feeling of closeness. The problems for me ensue when I take a few steps back and evaluate my relationships from a calculated angle. I care for the person, but not so strongly as I feel I should. I've given up wishing for love. Sure, we've all fallen head over heels at least once in our lives, but the older I get the more ridiculous and hollowly idealistic it sounds in my head. I think I have lost the capacity for infatuation, or any longer term alternative. I never seem to be content. Which leads me to feel partly jealous of my partner and partly angry at myself for not feeling equally attached/content. It has happened often that I had the "power" to make things work. But "making things work" never struck me as a healthy approach to a relationship so after a few months I would do what I feel is the right thing and end it rather than waste their time. In an ideal world we would fall for one another, have kids and raise them. Plus nowadays people are more interested in the now than the future. I feel resigned, disillusioned and tired of it all. I will probably die alone and pass away unnoticed. I'm just relieved there's booze and cigarettes to help me kill time till then ... Has anyone felt similarly lost? Or had similar experiences? I know I'm coming across as extremely negative. One should never give up, but I find it hard to hope, plus I'm in one of those brooding moods. Have a nice day :P

Stubs, if you're emotionally shut down, in any way, then you will never achieve a loving relationship with anybody. You're right about making a relationship work because if you have to do the extra yards then the relationship is not meant to be. It should flow naturally and while both partners put in equally daily, it's not an effort to do this. It's a need, not a want. Time heals everything and time is what you have on your hands while you wait for that right person. It won't matter what she looks like, it'll be what's inside that counts. You won't have to make it work because it will just 'sing'. Society expects us to find a partner when we are young but some of us are not mature enough to choose the right person and relationships break down. As we get older and somewhat wiser, we look for the person who mirrors our values and standards but we do it cautiously. In the meantime, enjoy your ciggies and booze but put yourself out there to be seen.