Silent treatment punishing

I know men deal with things differently and mine goes into the 'cave'. I've read about one demands and then one switches off. I have the silent treatment on a regular basis. At first I didn't realise how he was feeling but I do have an understanding now that it is his way of dealing with hurt. I feel annoyed and upset when he does this. He wont talk and when I try to talk then everything is my fault. Yesterday/today has hurt me so much that I'm ready to say enough is enough. We all want to feel loved but we all make mistakes so I try to forgive not just him but myself also as I sometimes am neglectful and thoughtless (busy lives and other probs). Last week was the run up to my birthday and he said it would be good to go away somewhere. He didn't appear to be doing anything to arrange something, coming home from work tired and falling asleep after drinking too much. He said he wanted to surprise me and looked to wowcher for any deals but told me that he couldn't guarantee he could get the date. He did nothing more. I left pages open on the computer to help him out. In the end I said lets just wing it. it was agreed to go to Warwick and Warwick castle (Halloween things going on there) I was so looking forward to it. Due to a drink drive offence he had to ho to probation Saturday morning so I busied myself doing work at home. I was very tired when he got back and told him so. I drove to Warwick (about an hours journey). I was stressed by this time and struggled to park (I do suffer tiredness. We found somewhere to stay and went for a meal. The venue was his choose even though my birthday. He did this my saying we go to the first place we come to which I new would be the Indian we had passed. Still very tired I kept upbeat etc. We could only get a room with twin beds and he fell asleep on top of the one so got into the other followed an hour later with him joining me. Middle of the nigh woken by him, I'm right on the edge head hanging out of bed totally uncomfortable so I told him. He responded by saying a was making a drama out of it. I went into the other bed but was later woken with a prod in the back, I flipped and shouted to please let me sleep. Following morning was told that after breakfast we would goghome as he didn't want to go to Warwick Castle any longer. Everything is my fault, he doesn't want to spoken to that way and wouldn't listen to why I shouted. He said it seems convenient that when we go away I am always tired. Yes I'm tired I think by the feeling that it always have to be about what he wants. That anything that benefits me is just something he wants to do anyway. I fed up with the drinking as well! Am I been totally selfish?? I don't always think about him and what he is going through with the drink drive offence. he sarcastically said thank you for supporting me with the offence. What can I do to rectify this?

I would say that if your not married why put up with it? Its only going to get worse.I don't think your being selfish because you want better things in life. If you settle for less then you deserve, youll get even less then you settle for.And his d.d offence is not your problem,you cant make a person drink or drive its done by choice.As far as rectifying this situation he really needs to put down the bottle before it can get better,but its gotta be done by choice.I would say lay it on the line and if he throws in the towel and submits the drinking issues then maybe your relationship can be helped,if he doesn't well that's a sign hes again not willing to do anything for you.time to move on to what you deserve.

Hi, Ive been with my husband for 7 years now, only married for 1. We got together at 20 so were still figuring what a grown up relationship really looked like once the initial honeymoon period was over and we were living in the real world. He used to slam out of the house and disappear and then send me texts like "how dare you talk to me like that" etc. At first it really upset me because I hate being deserted but he came back once he had calmed down and find me in tears. I think the key is that he hates seeing me upset and so he always comforts me, how does yours react when you are upset? Does he really care about you? If so then what I discovered early on is that if you've had a disagreement you are partially at fault so if he's either too proud or his manly pride has been hurt then if you apologise for what you said and/or did then you create a loving space for him to apologise too and that's when we chatted about what went wrong and why we argued to begin with as well as how we need to communicate and why he needs to leave to cool down. I don't know if this will help you but if you find you can't talk about your problems or the underlying issues how can you understand each other and why you do what you do? What is the basis of your relationship and why are you together? A relationship only works with mutual respect and love. Just don't let this become your 'norm', you deserve to be treated well and it sounds like he needs support too. I hope you can figure it out and find peace.

The example I gave is just one day, I've had many like it. I do feel that when he moved into my home it may have been a convenience for him but at the same time wanting the relationship to work. He does lots around the home (abait he does the things he likes doing in the way he wants)and says lovely things but I have a sense the words are to sweeten rather than meant. He was in rented accommodation, no job (he was working when we first meet), can not now drive (2 year ban). He is working now and is getting to know people here. I just can't stand the silent treatment which seems to happen every time he doesn't get what he wants. I can't have what I wont on the TV, he wont s his choice of decor. It feels at times that I have moved into his home. The drinking is the big issue. I saw someone about it who explained how drink can affect the frontal lobe of the brain, in that it interferes with understanding of how others feel. I've seen this not only with me but with others. When I pick him up about how he has treated others again I get the silent treatment. If I quested any of his actions I get the silent treatment. When I request that he considers how I feel, what I like, what I don't like, when I've tried talking to him about best ways to communicate he takes offence and does the silent treatment. His sister rang yesterday and queried my down tone (he was in the pub when she called, I didn't even now he had gone out). She said that his ex wife supported him with the drink problem, going to doctors ets, as I've done. In the end she could take it any longer even though she loved him to bits. He can be so lovely hence this is so difficult but I don't think it will get any better. Sorting underlying issues can be done with communication but when he is not present due to drink what hope have I got. When I think we have had a good chat days later it is all forgotten; he shows little interest. I feel insignificant to him and not valued. Of course he will disagree and say that my feelings are wrong. This is difficult because I care for him and he has no home to go to. He says he doen't want to be alone.

I truly am sorry you are dealing with this. I can tell you that suggestions to just leave are easier said than done. When you see the good side of a person, when you know how they are when they aren't drinking and when you truly love them leaving is the most scary and hard to handle thing you will ever do. My deceased spouse was a binge drinker. The only reason we stayed together was that his illnesses and medicines made it impossible for him to drink. He became housebound and totally reliant on me. Talk about karma. Believe it or not we got along very well after he got that way. He would get the alcoholic attitude when on certain meds but that was a hell of a lot easier than when he was drinking. As hard as being a caregiver was it was better than the drinking and the drinking attitude he had. Because even sober in between binges he still had the alcoholic attitude. I honestly don't see you being able to stand much more of this lifestyle. Please don't wait until the breaking point though. You have a life to live and with him in it you will never be at peace.

I walked out last Thursday morning with a few things thrown in a case. Have emailed him to say I wwould not move back until he moves out, that if he still wants us to be together then the drink needs addressing (no more humuring) and I wont live with him. H e has called and text and then rang my work today.. I've had a text this evening from his sister saying he misses me and wonts to talk or i could call her. I feel for him and feel pretty bad but things seem to get worse even though i feel i've tried.