Engaged & happy, until I met someone else....

So my fiancee and I have been together for 4 years and I proposed to her last summer. Our relationship has always been pretty close to perfect, even though we have been through a lot (serious illness, living in different countries for 1 year, very stressful jobs) and I love her with all of my heart and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her. The problem is that I started a new course in September, and met this guy who I clicked with straight away. Everything was fine until last Friday night when a big group of us went out drinking and to a club together (my fiancee decided to stay at home), and the way me and this guy were dancing together got a little......out of hand. We were definitely touching each other inappropriately and getting pretty turned on. To be honest, if it was just a bit of fun and didn't mean anything at all, this wouldn't be a problem - we didn't kiss or anything and my fiancee would be cool with it and we would all just move on. But it is a problem, because now I can't stop thinking about this guy. I've been thinking about him all week, even when I've been at wedding planning meetings, and when I'm in bed with my fiancee. I stayed in this Friday because I didn't trust myself to go to a club with him again. I just want to stop having these thoughts and feelings about him because the very last thing I want is to hurt my fiancee and I don't really want to lose him as a friend either. He has a girlfriend and thinks I'm a lesbian (which is what I thought too....), so the dancing probably meant nothing at all to him. I would really, really appreciate any advice on this.

Evidence suggests you're NOT a lesbian. In which case you should postpone the wedding until such time/opportunity as you get to sort out exactly what you are or aren't and thereby can enlighten your fiancee over what or what not she is considering joining lifetimes with. Don't you think? Just because what's happening is still (bar the disco incident) being kept contained in your head, doesn't mean you're not having an affair already (despite seemingly-theoretically at this point only one-sided). Or is it that you're scared of tying the knot itself and creating the first excuse you can out of whatever tools are most quickly to-hand in order to back out or delay?

I'm not sure the whole am-I-a-lesbian-or-not thing is really that important, since I know I definitely love my fiancee and that's not going to change just because I might also like guys. But yes, my world does feel a little rocked, as it were. You make a good point - and a very difficult one to swallow - about theoretically already having an affair..... Oh god, I don't know how to fix this.

I wouldn't stress THAT much, it's not THAT major. Your latest reaction said so. "I'm not sure the whole am-I-a-lesbian-or-not thing is really that important" That's not your job to decide. If you were self-intimate thus self-expert enough to know why and how this happened (or why you failed to avoid it to begin with), you wouldn't be here asking for help with that, would you. I think there are hugely revealing clues in your posts, albeit I could be off on some things because, let's face it, you're a complicated wotsit, aren't you, LOL. First you say your fiancee would be cool about it if she knew. My uneducated response to that - and as someone truly-madly-deeply in long-term love - might have been, WTF?!, and 'Oh, be real!', and then to ask, 'Are you two even stuck-like-glue enough to be considering marriage yet'? But your last statement about wanting to spend the rest of your life with her put paid to that. Your wedding is obviously looming that bit too uncomfortably closely/prematurely, given how you have questions bugging you. You also say you two have been through a lot together. Having shared stressful times is well known (or merely well sensed) for being capable of creating an 'artificial' bond, i.e. circumstantial thus *less than permanent* feelings of camaraderie (plus gratitude over whatever sense of co-victimhood) parading convincingly as pure love/lust, which could possibly - repeat, possibly - represent a significant enough chunk to bolster the overall sense of love and closeness you two might otherwise feel ...OR perhaps just a soupcon having been sensed and identified in your 'sensible' mind, now getting over-exaggerated by the part of your 'scaredy-cat' mind that naturally is experiencing reservations over making such a deadly serious commitment. Then there's the fact you claim you're a lesbian (which gets fully proven by the fact of being engaged to a woman) yet - let's be honest, here - PUT yourself in a position of getting aroused (wait for it) by a MAN. And not just any man but one you already know and trust and is moreover happily unavailable. Why not a single, available, ready, willing and able woman? And then, of course, the fact you've tried to put me off the scent regarding your orientation (too revealing, I'm afraid). Then the fact you mentioned (and HOW you mentioned) that your fiancee had decided to stay home (, the party pooper ;-p). There was noticably and unusually zero defensive reason and justification proffered on her behalf, meaning, your subconscious wanted us to presume her less than reasonable for it and feel as pessimistic about her declination as you clearly did/do. The guy is moreover harmless due to the fact of his gender considering you obviously prefer women (enough to marry one). Plus the act couldn't get taken further even if you wanted it to - because of his own status both as your friend and someone else's lover. This renders your whole act as false in terms of genuine flirting and attraction. It's you trying to challenge yourself (and thereby challenge her, too)... getting close to putting the relationship in jeopardy yet NOT close enough to be able to constitute a real, lasting threat. Hence you got genuinely upset at the idea (- sorry, had to be done ;-)) that you were mentally having an affair, when guilt (over mental admission) would have seen you try to justify yourself in some way. Revealingly, I see no expression of guilt let alone the usual attempt to wriggle out of it. The fact you openly suggest you could tell her about the event smacks of you revealing a temptation on that score - because it's just not logical to suggest a woman who loved and lusted after you enough to want to make that a lifetime permanent union wouldn't feel sufficiently jealous and threatened REGARDLESS of gender. That you'd got aroused by someone other than HER would be what mattered. You're more sure (or hopeful) than not that she'd be SOMEWHAT jealous and threatened - just enough to [a] give you a reassuring read-out and [b] sit back up straight to attention, yet NOT, you've calculated, enough to END the relationship. I don't think this is a fractional affair in your case because getting involved with someone else isn't your objective here. I think you're acting out, and that what you're acting out is your growing awareness and concern over the fact that you feel you and she could/should be a lot closer (or as close as you were when still in Honeymoon) before you tie the actual knot - to the point where her hearing about something like this WOULD be a bigger deal, where she WOULDN'T be so laissez faire about letting you loose and unguarded IN A CATTLE MARKET ON A KNOWN CRUISING NIGHT - so that you'd have proof by which to gag your naturally mounting fears and need for upped guarantees/clarity over her being a safe long-term bet. In summary, you're testing HER commitment by creating a situation that would be upsetting to her in order to see whether or exactly how upset she'd get (albeit haven't dared PRESENT the upsetting scenario to her yet) so as to surreptitiously gain greater reassurance; and also trying to make sense of your naturally cold feet (with a more self-flattering reason than simply being scared/insecure). At the same time, you're trying to force LIFE to give you signs - either of reassurance or the opposite ...just something definite so's you'll feel more sure of exactly where you stand now and however many years into the future. Even an answer in the negative would be preferable to this uncertainty. You want guarantees about the future (that don't even exist). (Is there anything else she's doing, any other secret, subtle little tests she's seemingly failing to pass with suitably flying colours?) Well, anyway, the upshot is, you should be gently and tactfully sharing all of your fears with her, not a forum, nor using a forum to gauge what type and size of reaction to expect. Cold Feet + Not enough attention lately to pose as befittingly 'reassurance max'. Hope that made sense? You're NOT going to cease thinking about him whilst he still strikes you as a useful piece of litmus paper for 'dipping' into your fiancee. Well, if you have that much-needed sit-down heart-to-heart with her about all your perfectly natural worries and reservations, your cunning subconscious won't need him any more and POOF!, you'll revert to feeling no attraction for him.

Wow. You're right, I shouldn't be asking for advice on a forum. You don't know anything about me or my relationship, at all. Of course you don't, you're a stranger on the internet - how could you? Thanks for trying to help, if that's what you were doing. I've decided that what I need to do is see this guy again soon - as friends having coffee or whatever - so I'll remember that's all he is to me.

Whoops, sorry, there was a typo omission! My sentance *should* have read 'not SOLELY ON a forum' - to mean, sharing your fears should always be a mere precursor to the next step of sitting down for a lengthy chat with the person subject concerned. It was in response to the fact that instead of stating you'd now talk to her, you came back with, 'oh, god, I don't know how to fix this'. Ha-ha, so you thought I was telling you off for testing out the water here? Too funny! :-D But back to the issue: I repeat, you're only going to cease feeling attraction for this tool in the shape of your bessie male mate ONCE YOU'VE HAD THAT TALK WITH FIANCEE. So do that first and then see this guy again. Clear? PS: Now, where did my 'solely on' get to? LOL Am I sitting on them?? (LOL, don't answer that.)

Here - now you know I'm *not* glaring judgementally-disapprovingly at you over my dragonesque bifocals, it might be an idea if you read it all again, yes? :-) (I'm STILL gaffawing at the idea of a forum adviser telling people to go away and talk to the person concerned instead. Talk about roll on floor laughing! That was priceless. :-D)

This about sums that up. Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEGIgDUYOHo