Problem with other half

Hi. Need advice here. Long story but I found my wife had been with another man recently. Things started going downhill a while ago when I overheard a phone call over a baby monitor between her and this guy (she told me it was one of her female friends) and it was a phone sex call. I found out also that they've been messaging via Twitter. Challenged her on this and she said it would all stop. She challenged me to respect her privacy though which was never an issue between us in the past. They continued messaging soon after and I managed to find out further details. All came to a head as she said it was a ruse to catch me out and I hadn't looked at her Twitter messaging details since. A few weeks later when she visited friends in Cardiff that she ended up staying overnight at the place where the guy works rather than at a hotel we booked for her. She pleaded with me that nothing happened. I seriously doubted it given the phone call, messaging and that he has visited her and my kids since the messaging was going on, so I went through her drawers to see if I could find something (prepay phone, the pill, etc...) - I couldn't trust her now given the recent events. Seemingly after telling her that I had gone through her drawers that she said it was the final straw and she had decided to get intimate with this guy. I found out via a tape recorder as I suspected something had been going on for a while. Something I kept noticing and that was she would wear a particular lacy underwear each Wednesday when the guy would have his day off from his job, except on occasions like when she stayed at his instead of the hotel. Also he stated that he would do something stupid which she told me that she wanted to stop him from doing that, and she went out to stop him - this happened on my birthday. To add to that I lost my Nan who I was close to when all this occurred. We've separated although living in the same house for the kids sake. I said that I want to work on all our issues (I know that I am not perfect here and I want to change things not only for myself but also for us) and she said the same thing, yet she is still messaging the guy in question. What should I do?

I always found the idea of creating problems within your life over sexual relations intriguing. For a long while I thought perhaps people considered it to be worth it, that sexual relations is in fact the root of the problem. I now discount that theory. I believe the fact that your wife sought another mans company is because she is unsatisfied with yours, whether physically or mentally is irrelevant. A healthy relationship cannot exist without honesty, and so deceit is the paramount reason why couples do not last long. Or rather, couples tend to not tell their partners why they are unhappy with them, as they are afraid of hurting them. For example, if you are bad in bed your partner, most of the time, will attempt to find other ways to satisfy themselves instead of telling you upfront and working through it. Or if they're not receiving enough attention, another person coming into their life who makes them feel like 'the center of the world' is almost impossible to resist. Have you tried asking her why she sees this guy. If you really want to work the issues out, you need to first understand what those issues are. She obviously cares about you or she wouldn't feel remorseful when you call her on what she does, but something in her life is causing dissent with herself and making her 'relapse' so to speak back to him again.

"she told me it was one of her female friends" Yeah, well, she would, wouldn't she. "she said it would all stop" Yeah, well, she would, wouldn't she. "She challenged me to respect her privacy" Yeah, well, she would, wouldn't she. And why is it she thought you'd *swallow* all of these pithy lies and machinations? "I managed to find out further details" Good for you! "All came to a head as she said it was a ruse to catch me out" What a load of rot! And you believed it? You wanted/needed to, didn't you. What was it - easier than taking the bull by the horns? "she ended up staying overnight at the place where the guy works rather than at a hotel we booked for her" Yeah, well, a type LIKE HER would, wouldn't she. "She pleaded with me that nothing happened" Yeah, well, she would, wouldn't she. But you only 'seriously doubted' this statement? Surely you had AMPLE evidence by now towards actual conviction rather than continuing further needless investigations? "I couldn't trust her now given the recent events" Nooo, really?! "Seemingly after telling her that I had gone through her drawers that she said it was the final straw" Oh, she thinks the straws belong solely to her, does she? (Clearly.) Why IS that? Ah! This: "To add to that I lost my Nan who I was close to when all this occurred. " Emotionally exhausted already. So let's re-cap shall we? You were already down and so she responded to this *not* by being there for you but by seizing her chance to CHEAT ON YOU - the biggest No-No in a marriage! Mmm. Nice woman. Can I have her number so I can make her my new bestest friend, please? :-p "We've separated although living in the same house for the kids sake." I *would* have said, Thank feck for that! Only, that is not separation, mush. Repeat: THAT IS NOT SEPARATION. It's pretending to. So - QUESTION: who's brilliant idea was that? Yours or hers? "I said that I want to work on all our issues (I know that I am not perfect here and I want to change things not only for myself but also for us) and she said the same thing, yet she is still messaging the guy in question. What should I do?" Only mouth and actions aligning equals truth. So when she said, 'So do I', she was LYING. Established Fact. As Susie's pointed out, this woman (thing) wants to keep the PRACTICAL/MATERIAL side of her marriage intact whilst she long-term (or permanently for all I know) cuckolds you (including destroying your self-esteem). And you can cease that 'I know I'm not perfect' crap, 'n all. How dare you under-value yourself like that! I don't care WHAT imperfections you feature. Unless you have some incredible mechanism that prevents her from filing for divorce or leaving the marital home or asking you to leave, there is no excuse in the WORLD for doing what one partner/teammate should never, ever...DO to their partner/teammate. NONE! Because there are such things as this: 1. "Houston, we have a problem (which I'd like us to sort, please - for ours and, importantly, the kids' sake)" 2. Dear Houston, we have a problem (which I'd like us to sort, please - for ours and, importantly, the kids' sake), Yours sincerely, Your wife. 3. "Hi. I know it's not supposed to be any of my business but my daughter/niece/friend isn't happy in her marriage to you yet can't face broaching the topic and hasn't got a clue how (due to her diagnosed mental retardedness), and so asked me to alert you on her behalf". 4. "I'm not happy and I want a divorce" 5. "I've been unhappy for too long and have filed for a divorce. Suggest you find yourself a solicitor". 6. Divorce Petition lands out-of-the-Blue on your mat, addressed to you. That's it! Those sorts of things are all she had the right to do! Those measures make it CLEAR that wifey believes you've had a hand in things getting that bad. What she's doing, on the other hand, makes it clear that she *doesn't*. Convincement, you see, has a habit of giving someone, even the most nervous, under-assertive, ineffectual person imaginable, 'dutch courage' Cheating on your partner is a crime. Just because no money is involved and no emotional court and judiciary exists in society, doesn't make it any less of one. Blame yourself for this and you're tantamountedly no different from the rape victim who blames herself for having gone out after dark in a short skirt. So stop it at once because that self-blaming, over-tolerant and over-accommodating, excuses-making attitude of yours is - as Susie points out - the very thing which either attracts a wrong'un to you in the first place or converts one who would otherwise keep a lid on such a (normally secret) f**cked-up attitude to love and relationships and self-entitlement attitude into someone who comes to grow to believe they can do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to you yet never suffer the normal, bog-standard consequences. Instead of approaching you with her problem in order to allow you the opportunity to decide whether or not to co-fix it, she's chosen to kick you when you were down and then basically sh*t all over your head from a ruddy great height AND without any regard for her own children's present and future welfare in all of this. Even if she DID before now try approaching you yet you refused to face and address the problem(s) - again, all she then had left open to her in order to remain proving she was a morally decent, emotionally mature (rather than stunted), marriage-worthy person, was LEAVING YOU. It's not even as if she's done this to get back your fuller attention, is it. Or this guy would - mission accomplished - now be seen as the used tool he was, and accordingly discarded. Clearly, he's not just some tool. Clearly, she either wishes, for her own convenience and/or avoidance of finding herself totally alone, seamlessly lilypad-leap from him to you (again, to try to dodge any negative consequences). Or/and she and her stunted ego loves the power and the fact of getting to basically torture you mentally and emotionally for as long as she likes or sees fit (pff). She simply thinks you'll tolerate being continually treated like this. Berbom. And little wonder when no matter HOW far over the line she crosses, you allow her to continue the cushiness of her marital set-up and life as she's always known it. Punishment/negative consequences: zero. I mean, if a serial-killer received nothing but a wickle slap on the wristie for his latest murder and all those priorly, do you really think he'd learn his lesson and completely change his ways enough to suddenly become a worthy, productive member of society? Let's *not* all start bleeding from the heart over all the poor wickle just misunderstood/not-loved-enough/need-a-hug-despots of this world, shall we? PLENTY of people hit a midlife crisis or whatever else renders them that animalistic *without* them stabbing their so-called soulmate in the heart not once but numerous times. Some of them join the gym or buy a new sports-car or-or-or... There are 50 ways NOT to sh*t corrosive acid all over your lover, Jack. And equally 50 ways not to by extension do the same to your wholly innocent kids. So why are you tolerating it? Understand, you don't HAVE a marriage any more because she broke the entire contract the first time, followed by then smashing the entire basis for the contract - the marriage - into a thousand pieces and then refusing to knuckle down and commence glueing it back together or propose clearing the decks and starting the relationship again afresh with a new contract/relationship. Any fool can see that. So why are you tolerating it? QUESTION: ...Because you don't want to lose your family set-up including or especially with the kids?

I really feel for you. I have been in that situation before, trying to live in the same house but separated. My son was age 3 at the time. It is an impossible situation and will just cause you more pain because you will be constantly worrying about what your wife is up to. I really think you should see a therapist at this point as this affects the whole family. Your wife is continuing the deceit because it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants.

Hi all. Thanks for the feedback so far. It's interesting that when I look at all this, I would say that I probably haven't been as "affectionate" to her as before, but then we've been together for 8 years in total (married 5) so it was more of a comfort thing. Having thought about this, I hadn't got anything emotionally from her over the last couple of years anyway since the youngest was born. What I also worked out was when things happened on her side of the family I was there for her but I never got that back in return when it happened to me. As I said I know I could have been better but I know full well that what she did was completely wrong by a mile (no comparison). Perhaps it's me though that I'd like to think that people can redeem themselves, as I know that with my parents they survived 2 affairs and are still married after 40 years, but given her lack of action to date then maybe I'm assuming too much from her. I am tempted to expose it to all her friends and family but then I'd be airing dirty laundry and that would make things worse for the kids. I had packed the suitcase and was going to walk out when I found out, but I love my kids so much that I didn't want to leave them, so we had agreed collectively to keep the peace for the time being. Problem with the laws in the UK is that they favour the mother in terms of custody, which is sh*t as I would go for full custody myself, however it is based on some stupid domicile situation. I found this out recently as I have talked to a solicitor now and will have further chats in the coming weeks.

"What I also worked out was when things happened on her side of the family I was there for her but I never got that back in return when it happened to me." Well, then - proof positive that you're emotionally strong and reliable and need someone more your equal to make it a more two-way satisfying relationship, not someone that just takes and never gives back. It's up to you entirely, but just because your parents stayed married, doesn't mean HAPPILY (particularly behind closed doors). Life is hard enough. And as you age it just gets harder. You need someone you KNOW is going to forever be your rock as much as you theirs. How on earth can you ever enjoy that security of knowledge with someone who, when the chips weren't even all that far down - barely, in fact - so easily flung their moral standards aside to grab for such an animalistically selfish, self-obsessed and destructive act instead of coming to you to DISCUSS it? What would she have done if you'd developed cancer - walked out on you only days following the diagnosis? *ROCK*...not some pithy pencil stood on-end where one tiny wobble or series of barely palpable tremors has them without-warning down (taking you and the kidlets with them). I'm a Brit as well so I do understand and empathise over what it's like for men and how outdated and too broad-brushed thus unfair the divorce custody laws still are (they in fact haven't been updated since the damn 70s, don't get me started!!), plus I have witnessed many male friends and acquaintances in your position. But you have to deal with what's on your reality plate, not the fantasies menu. It's all very well YOU trying to act in the best interests of the kids, but if she's not, meaning only one of you is rowing your little rowboat, then all that's going to be achieved is going round and round never-endingly and ever more frustratingly and/or downright traumatically in circles. That is not good for the kids any more than is a less than warm, loving, calm and safe family atmosphere. Kids are like sponges where soaking up vibes are concerned. So maybe that explains why you're more tolerant than the average male - because you're USED to such a standard thus are convinced a marriage that's so-so is still worth preserving for all concerned? Well, anyway, you have choices, then, don't you. [a] You can try asking her to leave or [b] leave yourself - but keep it civil and amicable in the hope that she'll agree to ignoring any court ruling over the minimum-standard bi-weekly custody (which I myself did for son's sake, right from the point of pre-divorce separation, meaning he could see his father every single weekend from Fri evening to Monday morning as a minimum), or insist on marriage counselling (try Relate) as a serious ultimatum. But success still relies on her having the ability or willingness to do her share of the rowing. I'm not so sure about how much hope you should hold on that score, given how not even the approaching tidal wave - in the form of you having recently found out she was, against promise, STILL in contact with this other man - was enough to shock her into taking up those oars up toute suite and no messing. All of this, however, could well be a blessing in disguise in terms of you and she accepting defeat where concerns you and she being intrinsically wrong for each other and parting romantic ways. I know it was for me AND our son, despite there was an initial difficult adjustment period, because I made damn sure it was. So I speak from experience when I say, you and the kids don't HAVE to suffer majorly if you keep your head and handle it right.