What the hell is wrong with me?

I find that as long as I can remember I have always pursued me. I am 41 and going to be 42 next month and I such a loser. As far as I can remember I have always chased after a guy to be with me. Ugh! why am I such an idiot? I am dating a nice man and again at first it was just a fling but then due to me not accepting to be a bootie call I began to ignore him and simply cut off communication because we acted like we were in a relationship but he didn't it. Women like me to the younger generation are called thirsty. I hate myself for forcing him and other men before him to be with me. I want to start dating my own damn self and pursue myself. How do I start? One thing I decided to work on is my weight and feeling better about myself from the inside out.

Agree. A lot of women (and men, actually) get bogged down and paused/delayed in their development due to basically having to shelve their own lives whilst their kids are young (or whatever other reasons). But I'd have thought getting around your (cough!) commitmentphobic-style self-sabotage methods was easy: Don't agree to date a bloke who hasn't advertised as being open for a full blown relationship in the first place! That's like you as a boss appointing someone seeking a mornings-only part-time position in a *full-time* job and then wondering why the eck they keep pissing off at lunchtime despite you're paying them full 9-5 wages! I suspect you're not intellectually challenged enough in all other walk of your life, thus are basically trying to take a frog and turn him into a prince. Ain't gonna happen. Once men have allotted you a pigeonhole, getting out of it and into a new one is nigh-on IMPOSSIBLE... in which case, yes, agree you should start dating yourself and making whatever areas of your life more satisfying or fulfilling first.