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Road to Redemption

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Relationship advice I have been talking to this guy for about 6 months. It is not the most traditional relationship we are in college after all but anyway we don't have any titles. But he is not the easiest person to talk to and we never had a conversation about where this was going. So about a month ago I started talking to this other guy because he was giving me the everyday conversation that my original guy wasn't. Long story short I ended up sleeping with the new guy and he told his friends and it got back around to my original guy. Now he is saying that I cheated when technically I didn't because we aren't together but I know if the roles were reversed I would feel the same way. So me and the original guy did talk about it and he said he doesn't trust me any more which is understandable and that it is going to take a lot to move past this. But I just want to know what to do. I completely cut off the other guy even blocked him on my phone. I was completely honest with my original guy so there are no more secrets between us on my part and I think we can work it out. I think he is going to work on forgiving me. But what advice can yall give to help me stay on his good sides and keep us moving forward?

Road to Redemption

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The main thing you have here is of you simply have not set the boundaries of the relationship. So even now in both of your minds you still cant be sure what your relationship is. That's why you feel like you cheated. But in reality how can you cheat when you haven't openly declared "i love you" which is definitely a declaration of affection, loyalty and what not. titles matter to us only because they organize our viewpoint. So i kinda found it ironic that you call him the "original guy." thats all he is huh? Then we got "the other guy":) see my point? not even worthy of their own names lol. In this situation it also means that you viewed this as non-personal(or not emotions involved). Which some folks do, some don't, that's just preference. However those who are involved emotionally are going to be offended. Now if you want to move forward, you have to realize that intentional or otherwise you have basically injured his ego. As odd as this sounds a males ego is almost like the core of who he is. Dramatic, but very true. I could elaborate on this fact but I'd be here awhile and i got homework. So from here on moving forward keep that in mind.
Also here's an analogy. If you have ever been around Horses, and say you get one to come over to you. Then you pet it, then you feed it from your hand. (this is basically cooing to it telling it your not going to do anything to harm it its completely safe around you.) Then suddenly you yell, flap your arms and stomp your foot towards the horse. You have successfully alienated yourself from the horse, possibly caused psychological trauma and its going to do one of two things pending on its gender and personality. If its an alpha male, its gonna be pissed and I would make a break for the gate and not return o.o if its not aggressive it will stay away from you and be more jumpy around you if you can actually get it to come around you again. The simplistic basics on this are Men are exactly like this believe it or not.

Road to Redemption

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What Keeks says about men's egos being more prominent than women's is true and stems from primitive times and primitive wiring on which dating psychology still to this day operates.

Another factor is that men, some especially, rely on actions to do their speaking for them, particularly when it comes to things of an emotional nature that they're not strictly comfortable or practised/adept at expressing above the table via speech. However, if these types want to partake in relationships with women, particularly the closest possible, then they have to fast learn to appreciate that women need communication in word form too (in fact, usually first and foremost as a heralder of the impending action and then again following the action in order to confirm it).

(It sounds like he doesn't really understand how women tick, and that (Like attracts Like) neither do you when it comes to men. You're going to have to learn together. Unfortunately for him, that would be an awful lot speedier using speech. So you both have work to do, don't you.)

In other words, he might not have said 'will you be my steady girlfriend' but he sees it that he "did-said" it - hence he's now reacted accordingly.

Because you've misconstrued where he was coming from, taking it for lack of fuller interest and sense of committedness, you tried to make him jealous, which worked. You could see it had, so that's why you're not interested in taking things further with this new bloke and are wanting to get things back on track with boyfriend.

How? He's already 'told' you - to wit: "he said he doesn't trust me any more which is understandable and that it is going to take a lot to move past this."

(See? Even when he DOES talk, he's not clear and comprehensive enough for you.)

Translation: Show me and keep showing me until the broken portion of trust has become fully rebuilt, how sorry you truly are. (You can add, 'and surpassed', to that because the place of trust you were in beforehand will now in his mind have become a place of precariousness to point of danger, meaning when you get back to the state you were in when you cheated he'll start experiencing wobbles. Be ready for it and don't mind that he seems to be re-hashing things all over again.)

Never mind if he doesn't at first talk back much - just be more vocal yourself until he starts to catch the habit. If you talk about things he needs to hear - including how sorry you are - he won't mind, but do it in shortish bursts rather than great long monologues (Zzzzz...). Lots of actions but accompanied by words, a bit like a film narrator. Also, whenever out and around other men, use your body language to make it clear to them that you're his guy. If he's not a hand-holder then just stand that much closer to him than would a platonic female friend. And if another male addresses you (doesn't matter who), try to include bf in your reply ("Yes, we like X, too, don't we"). This is you showing his 'possession' of you/his territory which counts as loyalty.

Start to give accounts, pre- or -post, of your movements, i.e. where you're going to be/were and whom with at times when you're not with him (until he signals he's bored of that and doesn't need it any more), crank up the physical affection, truthful compliments, loving looks and smiles, and especially the sex (men in love's fave love-speak method). Foie gras him, in other words.

However, you don't want to turn him into a greedy ugger whereby you become permanently caught in having to perform to that extra high level from him thinking it's the permanent status quo or you'll exhaust yourself and then have him worried that something's suddenly wrong any time you need to relax your efforts a bit. So make it clear, somehow, that you're making this greater effort both out of recompense and because you realise he needs extra TLC just until he feels really safe again. Try, "I'm going to work really hard at showing you just how sorry I am and how stupid I realise I was to have ever thought you didn't really love me, until I can see without a shadow of doubt that you feel safe enough to trust me again".

He may not be wordy but he clearly not only values you but to a degree that's worth fighting/working for. He also deep down evidently is aware of and does take his responsibility for the huge misunderstanding. Because too many men's egos normally don't LET them forgive that level of betrayal and then put them back into the firing line like that. :-) See? *Actions*. They tell you all you need to know and when they're drip-drip actions sustained or one huge action that doesn't get cancelled out, they're incapable of lying.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-3