Confused

My husband and I have been happily married for21 years. We have two lovely sons 19 and 17. My husband has suffered from incontinence since he was 34 and he is now 48. I have helped him to adjust to using diapers and pads to control his urine and sometimes faecal mishaps of which he has coped with surprisingly well. He uses diapers at night and a pad sometimes in the mornings. Sex became less of an act for us which has disappointed me because I enjoyed our love making. Although he willingly brings me to a climax and I am grateful for what he does for me knowing that he is incapable of fulfilling me sexually like he use too (using his penis). At first I found this disappointing but we both learnt to cope with his incontinence and our enjoyment of sex. However recently my husband informs me that he likes the feeling of wearing diapers including wetting them at night. His job doesn't allow for him to wear diapers during the day(poisons pests in the bush) and living/staying with other guys. He is away from home from Monday to Friday and he looks forward to coming home partly because he can wear a diaper without embarrassment. I am somehow coping with this. I love my husband very much and I don't want to end our marriage. My concern is whether his pleasure of being in a nappy will become sexual. He talks to me openly about his pleasure. He says it is not sexual and he doesn't get sexually aroused, he just enjoys doing it. He reckons he likes the security a happy gives.e His parents broke up when he was seven and he has just begun remembering parts of his childhood where he use to wet the bed. His only true relationship he has consistently with is his mother who is a loving and kind woman. I want our relationship to work and I think it can. What do others think? I could do with some feedback.

At the beginning of your letter, I assumed your husband's incontinence was physiological problem, but as I continued to read, I began to suspect that his problem is psychological. In fact, from his perspective it might not even be a problem. It sounds like it is something that he enjoys and that he is opening up to you about and perhaps hoping you'll fully accept. It sounds like you have reservations about the whole issue, so I think it would be worth your while for you to talk to a psychologist about it, to help you decide how to deal with this aspect of your husband.

DITTO! After all, the whole point of incontinence is that you get caught out at any time, not just in the evenings or weekends,...it's INVOLUNTARY... meaning if it were true incontinence he'd been weeing and pooing his pants all through the day as well and would HAVE to wear diapers full-time. And neither would any employer have any leg to stand on were they to disallow the wearing of such or they'd be in serious breach of today's employment laws against discrimination. So for 14 long years he's been feeding you this what-sounds-like BS about having to wear a nappy at night as obviously puts paid to a normal marital sex-life. The fact he goes without diapers at work ***PROVES*** he is not incontinent and that he picks and chooses when he wears a diaper. He is therefore NOT incapable of penile penetration. Possibly, if this is genuinely a psychological problem, he is CHOOSING to regress to a childhood state of being, back at a time when his parents were still together and he was happy, and beyond to where dealing with it was on the table despite he at the time was too young to do so without help. In which case, this would be a huge, badly hinted cry for help. He needs counselling. And you need a marriage that gives you all the perks when those perks are actually there to be had rather than have just been denied you due to a deep-laying psychological issue that has him using diapers as if they're some type of time-machine. Either that or - and I'm really sorry to have to suggest this - possibly he has all this time had a mistress (or had mistressES, this latest one) on whom he by now feels he'd be cheating were he to have penetrative sex with you, ergo has cooked up this incontinence excuse (as SOUNDS psychologically plausible to a rescuer type such as yourself) for wearing what is basically a chastity belt as prevents sex of a level sufficient to be considered cheating on his mistress. God only knows how you've managed to put up with this withholding of your conjugal rights for so long. But I presume you've now reached the end of your tether? Suggest counselling. If (god forbid but tellingly) he refuses, remind him that denial of conjugals is full grounds for uncontested divorce (no-one's talking hostility here - it could be amicable), meaning whether he agrees to therapy or not boils down to whether he prefers wearing diapers and the idea of staying in them to being and remaining married (and/or married to you specifically). You can sympathise with a person all you like but you are a red-blooded female who has a life to live - ALL aspects - so at the very least you should have the peace of mind in knowing for a fact that this huge, permanent allowance you're being asked to make is for a GOOD AND HONOURABLE reason rather than a mere excuse that makes a prize fool out of you, just so he can keep his mistress sweet. Alternatively, he may just not like full-blown sex full-stop and secretly never did? Whatever/whichever... that he, a grown man, would seemingly sacrifice his manly pride in his quest to avoid you ever deciding to divorce him, at least shows how desperate he is not to lose his family set-up. And that gives you massive leverage for finally getting him to [a] deal with this unacceptable but genuine issue or [b] come clean over what it is he's desperately trying to hide from you. Good luck!

I am sorry to read about the problem. I am 75 and following prostate cancer I did what the physios told me and practised the exercises, mainly pelvic and won over the incontinence nightmare, of which I was really scared from, within a couple of weeks and was dry from then one. My wife who I have given hell over our 50 yrs marriage was incredibly supportive although penetrative sex was impossible but I could provide satisfation for her. She has stuck by me through everything. I hope you can, whatever his reasons fo the deviation may be. Good luck.