3rd time lucky break-up
Hi. If you hate stupid people, dont read this.
Been in a serious life changing relationship (I mean this with all my heart), I can say I have known love in its true form. Nevertheless, the last 9 years of my life I am spinning in this vicious circle of To be or not to be. The beginning was magical and I dont think I will experience that feeling of an instant universal connection, ever. I was young, never had a serious relationship before him. He was a true human being, I never met anyone like him, he is a highly spiritual and genuine, good person. BUT.
When we started our journey, I was (out of fear of being true and in a serious relationship at age 19 and trying to test him I guess) trying to sabotage the relationship, being bitchy and telling him to go and be with his ex, although I knew he was honest with his feelings for me. His ex was making trouble, trying to get back with him. So he did. They were on and off, and then he wasnt so sure anymore which way his feelings went, although we knew it was me. After 2 years, his ex finally realised and moved on with her life. I was already, back then, destroyed by this, and blamed myself for telling him to go and ruined possibly the most beautiful thing in my life.
So, I resented. Oh, did I.
After some time, we were okay. But I do blame myself still for doing that and for giving it a pretty lousy start.
Then, the next problem.
First of all, why did his previous girlfriend left him. Because he never ever in his life wanted to work and make money. He was 22 when we met, now he is 32 and still thinks the same. Hippie mindset.
He is very inteligent, charismatic but stubborn person. I'd say he is spoiled and arogant now that I know him better.
Well, with me also he did not make any effort to find a job. I tried to talk with him, even applied him for numerous jobs, like everyone in his family. But no. I know it's hard where we live to even find some decent job, but at least try?? He didint go to college (because he knows best) so its even harder for him.
With time, I wanted something serious with him, but he stayed that way. And with time, it started to affect us.
I went to college, wanted to get marry, have kids, but with him there was no way for that. He wouldnt even listen to me when I started to talk about these things. I cried and i cried. I behaved like an idiot. I was not me, and felt like I was being my worst with him. Things started to collapse. Internally. I felt like a bad person for wanting what I want, trying to change him. But then again, I fucking loved him so much and saw myself only with HIM. It was possesive, obsessive and it will never happen again. We fought and fought, I just wanted to stop having these feelings for him so that I can leave at peace.
My relationship with my family and friends with time got ruined because of him.
It is very hard to say this, but I was so fucking stupid and blind thinking he would change. People dont change.
This lasted for 5 years, of which I can say we were truly happy around 3. The rest was misery over his ex and not finding a job.
The last 4 years of my life is PURE MISERY. So, 6 years of my life is MISERY. And I do blame only myself, to be clear.
Last 4 years we are on and off, I left him twice for other guys, having 2 rebound relationships. Everytime I would run back to him because I could not kill it. Not that I fall in love with every guy I see, but because I knew that this was not a good place for me, so I wanted a way out through someone else, someone different. Trying to hurt him so maybe, just maybe he would change his way of life for me. Stupid. When I was with another guy, he was contacting me all the time telling me that we were meant to be, that he loves me and and didnt see the problem at all. I could not relax or be with someone new, although I faked it most of the time trying to convince myself I was doing the right thing. All this made me rethink everything and I gave it another try, And another. Nothing changed but the fact I have a real job now, I am 29 years old and definitely have no time for the drama anymore. I want something normal, someone normal. He didnt do anything to prove we can even plan some kind of a future... all my friends and family are telling me for years I deserve better. And that also annoys me to the point of crazy. I am very proud and cant stand someone preaching me. Always I am the one who gives advice, and looks like I needed it the most. So, he Just stayed like he was before. I was working, killing my ass off, he stayed at home, waiting for me like a housewife. Great. And I accepted him and thought, okay, I cant fight anmyore. It will just be like that, how he wants it, I just got tired of it all. I surrendered. AND THEN.. it happened. I met someone really special.
It was like God himself sent this amazing guy to me. Yes. And now..
Now when its finally over, the third break up (after which I feel truly HAPPY and THANKFUL, I even went to church and prayed???) I feel like my whole life is ruined by this shitty cycle of me trying to fix someone who is not the person I want and need. He is also tortured by this shit, as am I.
I got distant from my friends and wont even talk to them about it because I feel nobody fucking understands that it is so hard to decide to really leave, when you love someone to madness, but that someone wont go the same life path you do. Fuck them. Fuck me. Fuck him. Everyone thinks I should be lobotomised or electroshock my brain for doing this again, and I suppose everyone, including him, thinks I will get back to him.
I feel it is over, and have no need to explain to anyone (for the first time now). I feel free, which I didnt feel for 4 last years.
And now, when I wrote this stuff down, I feel even crazier. Why did I spent last 9 years of my life on him. Are stuff really meant to be this way? I can only say that I am in this moment truly happy, and that there is nobody around me who can I share it with because of the past and what people "think". Fuck people. When you need them, only to listen to you or share your joys, not even needing their stupid opinion, nobody's here. And when they need me, I am the fucking psychiatrist and solve everything, and make everything better for them. But no, I get only hard comments and a look of disbelief. So sorry for having to read this, but I had to.
Also, I would like to hear from someone with a similar story maybe? Is it possible to TRULY move on right away after a break-up because I feel I have suffered a lot and way too much over this and dont need and cant stand any "Time ALONE".. And since I feel this new guy as a possibility for something really beatiful, meaningful and lasting, also I feel it is somehow wrong for me to be happy and that this is just temporarily and things would again somehow become "ugly". I obviously fear a lot.
"Hi. If you hate stupid people, dont read this."
LOL! Too tempting! (You should be in advertising.)
You're a limpet (over-attacher), a rock, and a rescuer/fixer. You need to learn to add or allow to the fore other facets. Don't blame asking, blame the fact your friends didn't ever get with you to be asked and to give in the first place. They're takers. As was Mr Lets-Pretend-I'm-A-Hippy-So-I-Can-Be-Flakey. And because you too strongly advertised your huge over-perseverance facet, it appeared as your ONLY facet hence attracted to you Takers where taking was THEIR strongest facet. Opposites Attract. Certainly when you're too young to want to settle down. Once you ARE ready, it's Like Attracts Like.
And then you failed to study this lover- and friends-in-the-making closely enough to see all the little Red Flags that said 'Don't attach to normal levels or you'll have trouble getting off again'. So - SSSSSSSSSLP! - you attached...and then, of course, found it extra hard on the psyche to prize yourself off again when glaringly called for.
You should have used a crowbar.
That crowbar is called Faith....Faith that if you keep on sifting through the lucky dip barrel - blind hands growing ever more adept at 'seeing' as they scrabble and feel around - then sooner or later you will - GUARANTEED - find Mr Limpet/Rock/Rescuer/Fixer. And then in comparison, neither of you will be Limpets and BOTH of you will be fixers....= Happily together forever Amen. You've wasted time because you failed to have this crowbar.
What wielding that crowbar successfully takes is another facet - an energy source - called, Self-Discipline. It's where you CEASE thinking and just, ONE...TWO....THREE.... JUMP!!! - for the sake of the longer-term good and STUFF how painful it fleetingly feels. Instead you tried to make other blokes your energy source. (Fail)
Doing the right thing - even for yourself (and your unborn babies) - is the 'goes around' that 'comes around'. Enter your reward - Mr Right, Mr Perfect For You (phew, finally!).
In fact, you STILL so lack faith of any ilk that you excuse having prayed in a church as if that makes you some kind of idiot. News for you: faith is not the sole possession of Catholicism or Protestantism or any other religion. Faith is not shameful. It's spiritual. And faith got *this* limpet her Mr Limpet Right.
More news for you: As you wrote this stuff down, in fact you sounded SANER.
Hey, what can I say? It's lonely at the top. But at least there's superb quality if not quantity.
He's out there. Probably roaring his own frustrations out on a forum, I shouldn't wonder. Do you really want him or are you going to throw in the towel and go back to Mr Flakey (aaaaaand repeat)?
Your destiny (and all that happens en route to) is right here, right now in your hands, in the form of this crossroads and whether you turn left or right.
Wow, you really did give a sane and funny answer. Thank you. I dont think faith is shameful, in fact - faith was my excuse for staying too long with Flakey, hoping something will change eventually. I even think I have some kind of identity crisis. The question now is how will the Rescuer finally begin to rescue herself? I think my Rescuer personality needs a break.. and also Self-Discipline. I already made a choice, now I just have to live it, I guess.
Ah, yes, but you had *blind* faith. I'm talking intelligent, logical faith. Diff/all the diff.
Finding Mr Right is a tool-SET effort, not one tool in isolation. So it's Desire (enough to put paid to past Commitmentphobia) + Knowing Your Own Type thus Knowing Your Male Counterpart (limpet/giver/rescuer) + Crowbar (Faith) + Muscle Power (Self-Discipline). Whole beltful of tools.
"The question now is how will the Rescuer finally begin to rescue herself?"
Exactly, precisely, spot-on, "by jove, she's got it!". You're not a genuine rescuer (just an issue-ridden using rescuer status as a cover-up) unless you can do unto yourself as you'd have others do unto you and would do unto others. Like nurses. Some don't use only oranges to learn how to inject a hypodermic. The best use their own arms.
Agree you should hide your rescuer/giver nature *somewhat*. Let the bloke think you're the one more in need of rescuing. Then once he's shown HE'S a genuine rescuer/giver - and in the process, courtesy of persistence over time, a limpet - TA-DAAA!.. you reveal you're equally so.
Typical conversation with ex-husband:
Me: How can you take the last piece of cake without asking if anyone else wants one after you were already the one ate the previous three?
Him: My money. I paid for it. So in fact - my cake. HAH-ha. Anyway, you don't mind really.
Typical conversation with true soulmate now-husband:
Him: You can have the last piece
Me: Ahhh... No, you
Him: No, I want you to have it
Me: No, I want YOU to have it
Him: No, YOU
Me: Oh, alright then, if you insist. Thanks
But next time you have it.
There's the difference that makes all the (beeping, pigging, what-the-eff-was-I-thinking-married-to-a-twat-like-that) difference.
Supposedly it's only cake. But, AH, *IS* IT!!!!?
Anyway. Good choice. You'll get more cake for starters.