Annoyed and confused with myself

I'm a middle aged female who became involved with a man a few years ago. My partner found out and everything blew up but I couldn't leave my family, so we said we'd stop seeing each other. Unfortunately, neither of us ever could and the last few years have been pretty traumatic to say the least. We say we are just friends but we still have feelings for each other. The relationship hasn't been sexual but there was affection. This guy has had a series of dis functional relationships and is still single. Lately, the guy had started acting very strange and unnatural towards me. His behaviour seemed erratic - one minute he'd say to text and meet for a coffee and then he'd be quite off with me when I did text him saying he was busy. It made it seem like I was chasing or pestering him. I didn't like how this was going or feeling like this. I tried to confront him about this and say that I don't think we can be friends and that we still have feelings for each other. He became verbally abusive and I was surprised at his reaction. But we ended up on speaking terms and have both apologised to each other since. He has drug related problems and it is hard to reason with him sometimes. I feel like he is playing games but then maybe we both are. I don't intend to annoy or upset him. I think we have realised it will never work for us ever - not even in the future if circumstances were to change. I feel he over reacts to things I say and gets angry and verbally aggressive and I end up an emotional wreck. I hate bad feeling between us and try to make amends. I worry about him and have tried to be there for him but know this cycle needs to end ( of us saying we'll have some contact and just be friends). It's been left that there'll be no more contact I think; although we haven't said it I think we both know it. I feel annoyed and embarrassed with myself and that I should have been stronger and not seen him again full stop. How can I make sure that I stay on the right course this time? I mustn't see him or have contact with him again for both our sakes. I feel like I know what I'm doing now and very positive about it but why have I felt the need to have someone who is no good for me in my life so much? It is wrong for a start and complicates my life. Maybe because I want to make something right out of something that was always wrong....? We have joint friends which doesn't help in distancing myself from him or hearing about him. My home life isn't perfect but my relationship with my partner is a friendly one with mutual respect. I can't make sense of it all.

Not married but been together over 20 years. I have 3 children - the youngest now in his teens.

Wow, what a lot to go through! Kudos to you for asking yourself some tough questions. I think you're right, and came here for affirmation, that you made the right choice to cut it off cleanly with this person. Maybe it'll be easier for you to stick to if you commit to a set amount of time? What about committing to no contact for one year. Then maybe it won't feel like you've made this "forever" decision and not feel so overwhelming. Get yourself a therapist, and commit to YOU for the next year. Put all that energy you'd be putting into taking care of the damaged ones, and give it to yourself. Rediscover yourself, who you are and build a new reality around you as an individual. Check back in with the friend in a year. ... if you still even feel like you want to.

Thank you for your help and advice and suggesting an amount of time. I don't know how to get a therapist but I'll look into it. Thanks again for replying.

Hang in there, Sandy Rose, and keep asking yourself those hard questions. Happy to help and glad that it has. :) Just do a quick google search in your area for individual therapy or counseling. That will take you far. Also, depending on where you live, including your insurance info or lack thereof in your Google search will help you narrow it down faster. There are LOTS of resources, just have to find them. Best to you.