What is going on???

CRAZYANDCONFUSED - Mar 8 2010 at 15:40

Member since Mar 2010

Long story cut short, well as short as it can be without missing too much out, lol. I met this guy online via a social networking site. He was away in the Navy at the time in Iraq. We chatted for hours and hours on end, we had a giggle. I have always been wary of meeting people like this and also men in the forces as I have friends who have told me enough horror stories of their own. I was wary about him from the start, although he said all the things I wanted him to say, I was telling myself not to get carried away or to think too much of it. We spoke for a couple of months and then he was due home for some leave for 2 weeks. As we had talked every day I did feel as if I knew him and I was egar to get to know him in person, and not via the web cam, lol. He asked me a couple of weeks before he was due home if I wanted to see him and of course I said yes. We are both in our late 20's so it's not as if it's as risky as it could have been. I made sure everyone that mattered knew where I was and who I was with, just in case he was a nutter in prince's clothing. The day he was due home came and before I knew it was 20 minutes away. Scared and excited, I kept telling myself, this will probably be a fling and don't fall for him!!! As soon as he got here it was like something out of a film. I was half expecting some sort of theme tune when he kissed me, it really was that special. One thing led to another and we couldn't control oursleves. After "the deed" we set off on a massive drive to his house. The journey up there was amazing, we laughed, we chatted, it was as if I had known him for ages, years even. I felt so comfortable in his company. Not long before we arrived at his house, he told me he would have to pick up the keys from his parents, not wanting to make things awkward I suggested I stay in the car. He told me that I shouldn't be silly and that they would love to meet me, so in we went, together. Meeting his parents on the same day as meeting him was strange to say the least, but they were lovely and made me feel really welcome. Over the week we spent together we would often pop in for a coffee and a chat. Although it felt odd at the time, it was all so new and neither of us had really talked about what would happen next, it did feel good. As the week went on, we had a great time together. He was due to fly back out a couple of days after valentines day and so I had planned a hot air balloon ride, massive dicount through my work but thought it would be a wicked end to a 2 week break for him and knew we would have fun doing it. Well, I got a call a couple of days before to say that he was going to stay with his friends instead, he didn't know what I had planned so it's not as if I could be angry, not really. I was upset though as it was like he was different to how he had been even though we still spoke every single day at least once. And no, it wasn';t all me!!! Anyway, after the cancelation, and just before he went back we had the "I'm not ready for a relationship" talk, his doing not mine and as much as I had expected it, it was not what I wanted to hear. I know it sounds silly, but I already knew by this point that I wanted to be with him more than anything in the world. Thing is, when I came home after staying with him for the week, I had to go to visit the doctor. I was really uncomfortable "down there". I was sure it was just an ingrowing hair or something, but had to be sure as I had had a new sexual partner afterall. Those 5 minutes within the doctors office has changed my life now. I was told that I had been given HERPES!!! I couldn't believe it!!! I had had a very close up of his "equipment" and I couldn't see a single thing wrong with it, but she explained that you don't have to, and that he probably didn't even know he had it. Trying to be positive and do the right thing, I was going to tell him on valentines day, not to ruin it for him, but it would be the only chance I could tell him to his face. I really don't think it's a phone call/email conversation. As he cancelled on me, I didn';t know what to do. We still chatted but it wasn't the same anymore, he was so distant. AS much as I wanted to tell him, I don't know what was wrong with me, I couldn't. Anyway, fast forward a couple of months and he came home again after finishing his deployment. He still let me know he landed safely, and that he got home ok, which said to me that he did care, maybe I was silly, lol. As the time went on we would talk, on and off. Not to the extent we had before he came home the first time. Don't get me wrong, I did think about him all the time, wonder what he was doing, how he was etc, and yes, even after he gave me something that would be with me for the rest of my life, crazy isn't it. I tried to make myself not seem needy, or let him know that if he clicked his fingers I would have been there like a shot. I was playing it cool, having fun with my friends, I even went on a couple of dates, only dinner, nothing much, but I couldn't get him out of my head. Then, one weekend, I get a message online, it was from him. We started talking again and he said that he wanted to see me. I bit back that he wanted to get his leg over more like, lol, scorned or what, lol, but he was positive that that was not the case. He wanted to see me, he couldn't stop thinking about me and thought we should talk. But in person, not over the internet of phone. I was uneasy about him coming to visit as much as I wanted to see him, he'd already had his way and buggered off, I didn't want to set myself up for the fall again. I was only just getting over him when he pops up again. I made him wait a couple of weeks before allowing him to visit, I wanted to be sure he was being serious about it, his intentions were what they should have been. Good, lol. The weekend of his visit arrived, and I think I paced my whole house a billion times before he arrived. I was half expecting him to cancel but he didn't. I had warned him that we would talk and that no funny business would happen, he was fine with that. He turned up, we talked, he convinced me that he was serious this time and that he did think about me and that the reason he was funny before was that he has been in relationships before and then been away with work and they never seem to wait. Bit of self preservation if you like. I could understand why he did that and he told me that he could understand why I may have been upset. After a lot of talking, we decided we would see how things went but that we would begin to have a relationship. I was over the moon, but wary at the same time. He'd done it once, he could do it again after all. We spent so much time toegther and we really enjoyed ourselves. We went back to his when I had time off work, again having lots of fun and really getting into spending time as a proper couple. I loved it. Then he got the call from work to say that he would be going to Gibraltar for a while, possibly 4 months. I was gutted, as was he, but like he said, it's his job and I did know that when I met him. It's just that I had only just got him back, things were going so well and I was going to loose him again, if only in person. He promised me that things would be ok, but I couldn't help the niggle at the back of my mind that it would all go bottom up. While he was away, we spoke everyday, by this time we loved eachother and were talking about having a family together. FYI, I have never wanted like some girls to be a mum, I always thought if and when, you know, but this guy made me think that I could have a child with him and it wouldn't be a nightmare. It was tearing me apart inside that I couldn't see him, touch him, cuddle him even. But it's all part and parcel of the job. While he was away, I had people I had thought of as friends, giving me their advice, such as "what happens abroad stays abroad", "you'll never know", "he's got the perfect job for cheating on you" and although I know things like this were said ina joking manner, once the seed has been planted, it normally grows. I became paranoid that something would happen while he was away. One night while he was away, things got too much for me to handle, I had been dealing with depression for years and I was really low at this point, work was horrible, he was away, and I had these nasty thoughts going around in my head on a loop. We had a massive arguement, about nothing really. It was me, I was pushing and pushing, but he was still being so nice. I snapped, I'd been drinking and I took a load of anti-depressants. Not to end my life, I have to make that clear, but I wanted to be happy, surely if I took enough they would work, that was my thinking. He guessed what I had done, by our conversation and called an ambulence, yes from Gibraltar!! He was worried sick and thats not why I did it, it wasn't attention I wanted, I wanted him, with me, to tell me that everything was going to be ok but he couldn't be. It was impossible. After spending the night in the hospital, and loads of text messages forwards and backwards I felt stupid for being such an idiot. I didn't mean to worry him, I really didn't. I was just sick of feeling so horrible about everything. He came home a little while later and I was given 6 weeks off work. He came straight to mine, and we set off to his house, away from everything for a while. I was so pleased to have him home, I was on cloud 9. I knew that things would be ok. As time went on, I had to go back to work, as did he, thankfully in the UK this time, which was hard as we had spent all of our time together and him being away again, although I like my own space, was still hard to get the hang of. AS comfortable as I thought I was, I still had the thought at the back of my head that he would leave me again. This would only arise when he was away, I wouldn't have a clue, where he was, what he was doing, and sometimes could not speak to him for days due to his job. I tried my best to keep it from him but he knew. I was beginning to wind myself up at asking who it was every single time his phone went off. I have had previous boyfriends cheat on me and so am a little insecure to say the least. I thought I had got over it, but obviously not. I tried my best to hide my issues, but we both knew they were there. I hoped that it would go away, but it didn't. Anyway, we were spending a little time with my neighbour and her bloke one night, round at their house and she went funny about me showing him where the toilet was, we'd always taken the mik that she was overly flirty with my bloke but this was strange. They were gone for a little longer than I thought was needed and I went upstairs. I saw him push her away and go into the toilet, she turned to face me and looked really embarrassed. We stayed for a little while longer and came home. When we came home I asked if everything was ok and he assured me that it was, I later found out that she had tried to kiss him which is when I saw him push her away. She also had his mobile number and began to text him while she knew he was away, and at the same time coming to see me and pretending everything was ok. (she has a reputation for doing this) His birthday was xmas eve, and his phone was beeping all day. It was driving me insane as much as I tried to ignore it, I couldn't. I checked his phone and found messages from my next door neighbour and so called friend. They were what I would call inappropriate and suggestive and completely out of order. I wanted to kill her and I wanted to know why he hadn't told me. Yes I checked his sent box too and he hadn't replied. But I couldn't ruin his birthday and christmas. It was eating me up inside and after a few drinks, and party at his parents house we went to the pub and I couldn't control myself. I went a little mental, starting with little hints, snidey comments here and there, he asked me what was wrong and right at that point she txt him to wish him happy birthday!!!! I went mental, he walked home and told me not to follow him. I was stuck in North Wales, in the middle of nowhere not having any idea where I was going to go or where to stay. I didn't tell him why I went mad,he put it down to the drink, but it was obvious to both of us that my trust issues had come to a head. He told me I had to trust him, I bit my lip and said I would try. Christmas day was strained, we put on a brave face but things weren't right, we needed to sort them out not play happy family's. I was on edge, his mum knew we'd had an arguement as I had spent the night at his sister's house. She was brilliant, I was such a mess. She really helped me. WE went home after the days festivities and we didn't talk. We did about general stuff but we didn't talk, talk. WE didn't say the things that needed to be said. Boxing day morning comes, I was wide awake so went down stairs, I couldn't help myself, I had to see those messages again, to make me really believe what I had seen. True enough they were there, he still had no idea I'd seen them and was fast asleep upstairs. I waited a little while and went upstairs to confront him. If we were going to get through this I had to know why he hadn't told me. He said that it was nothing, and thats why he didn't tell me, there was nothing to tell. He was ignoring her, simple as that. He didn't want to upset me as she was my friend. PLus he knows I would have confronted her about it. I was still gutted, I was shaking, I felt like my whole world had come crashing down around me, here we go again. After a lot of crying on my part and trying to talk we kind of decided that this was it, the last few days, the arguing, the me not trusting him, checking up on him would all stop. He was with me 99.9% of the time so he would never have had the chance even if he had wanted to. I know that logically, but it was little bloody seed my friends had planted ages before, they were sill there. I felt like a fool, as I had let her into my house, shared a bottle or 3 of wine with her, talked about me and my boyfriend trying for a baby and our upset that it hadn't happened straight away. I did want her blood on my hands, I wanted to rip her throat out and throw it in the road to be run over time and time again by big fat heavy trucks. It was, to me the ultimate betrayal on her part, but he had some part in it for not telling me about it, protecting me or not. I was going to try, but I was dreading coming home again. It's not as if I won't ever see her, she lives next door!! I was ok until we were about to leave and then all the way home I had "a cob on". He knew I didn't want to come home. I work nights, and I had to work that very night we travelled back. All that I could think was that she knows when I am at work, he is there all night alone, he CAN'T be horrible to people for no reason at all, and although would have as nicely as possible told her to get lost, she would have managed to at least persued him to let her in. She's a witch!!! It's not that I was worried he would sleep with her. I honestly don't think, I know he wouldn't have. It's that I don't trust her. She has ruined so many marriages, and even since this has happened, not even 6 months, she has had other blokes staying over night, and I know her bloke is working away. She's a tramp, but in her eyes if a bloke is attached, he's evenmore arractive. She likes to play games. He would talk to me while I was at work, he knew I was worried, and would stay up as late as he could so he could reassure me that everything was ok. Neither of us said thats what we were doing, but we both knew. Because of this, he would sometimes oversleep to pick me up in the morning. He would answer the phone when I called him first, an hour or so before I finished work, but then would sleep through the landline and his mobile going off in the last 15 minutes of my shift to make sure he's on his way!! What was he doing?? Why couldn't he answer the phone??? Where was he?? He was fast asleep of course. I had to bang on the bedroom window (ground floor flat) to wake him up. I can quite honestly say that he sh*t himself when he realised he had overslept. my logical head was saying, it's ok, he was tired, leave him alone, be nice, he was up last night. But then my fuc*ed up head is saying that there is something not right about it. I can't ignore that niggle!! Anyway, we were looking after my grandparents dog at the time, and as I was sleeping during the day, working at night, he would take the dog out for walks, it gave him something to do while I was sleeping. One day, after I'd finished work, he took the dog out but left his laptop on and unlocked. This never happened, well at least not in the last few weeks, he'd almost been secretive about it, or at least I thought he had. I couldn't resist and checked his social networking site inbox to see if there was anything I should be worried about. I knew as soon as I loaded it up I shouldn't be doing it, especially after promising that I wouldn't check up on him again. But I was worried that something was wrong. That whole week he had hardly come anywhere near me, we didn't have sex at all, which seen as we were trying for a baby, that just wound me up even more. Had he changed his mind about the baby thing?? It was his idea in the first place, he twisted my arm not the other way around. Anyway, the first thing that caught my eye, the only thing that did in fact, was that he had sent and recieved a couple of messages from his best mates sister. They were a little flirty, well a bit more than I was comfortable with anyway. Although he swears blind it was only a bit of fun, it hurt me as he had said he wouldn't do things like this anymore, and that he would consider my feelings more. He should have been saying those things to me, instead he was pushing me away and saying them to someone else. That very day I had a doctors appointment as I had found a lump and was really worried about it. Turns out it was nothing, but that night, after the doctors, we came home and we talked. Well I say talked, but i exploded. I wanted him to say sorry and that everything would be ok. He didn't, he did say sorry, but when I asked him, I wish I hadn't, but I asked him if he wanted to be with me anymore, which is when he said no. Wow, talk about not expecting it. I don't know, but I guess that with the whole herpes thing I thought we would be together forever, I never thought he would really leave me. Or at least I hoped he wouldn't. I know I would have picked and picked at him about the messages if we had jst carried on, I can't honestly say I would have been able to forgive and forget then. I can now though. I have since been seeing a counceller who although is a bit way out there, it's helped me so much. I now understand that the years of smoking cannibis, which ended 3 months before I met him, has alot to do with my paranoia and insecurities. As well as past experiences. Although the cannibis smoking has not and will never be a thing I would do ever again, after 10 years of doing it every single day, it's going to take a while for me to get my head back to being straight full time. This was soething I had kept from him too. I didn't want him to think differently about me, and so never told him. I know now I should have told him a long time ago, but hey, hind sight is a wondeful thing after all. He left me a couple of days later, after the argument. We did sleep together, even after we'd split up, but before he left. I still wanted him after all. I still do!!! He left, and we spoke a few times before he went back to work. It was just a case of are you ok, yes, you, yes thanks, but I needed to hear from him. I guess in the back of my head, he changed his mind before, he could do it again. On his way back to work, he popped in to see me while I was at work. Yes I cried, but I was trying to be strong, it was all so raw still and I wanted him to tell me it was a massive mistake and that he still loved me. He did tell me that he still loved me, but that he couldn't be in a relationship right now, he didn't want to hurt me again and didn't want me to get my hopes up. At one point I went to hold his hand, but stopped myself, he saw and gave me a massive hug, he kissed me on my forehead, like he used to, and knows I love. But then got in his car and left. I had tried so hard not to contact him, but it was difficult. I had heard from him almost every single day for the last 9 months, and did txt him a few times when I shouldn't have done. Although I did try not to be needy when I did txt. He radomly asked me if he could come and see me the saturday before he left the country, so we could talk. This was 3 weeks after we'd had the arguement which ended our relationship. I said yes, of course I wanted to see him, and hoped that he would have changed his mind, but set myself up for the fact he might not have. I thought I did at least. We ended up sleeping together again, I can hear the tutting now, I know I shouldn't have, but I wanted to be close to him and I seriously can't think that he could have been that affectionate and loving if he didn't still have feelings for me. Yes I think I did think that if we'd slept together we would get back together again but I knew it wouldn't really happen. Deep down. He left again the following morning, and I felt like crap. I said to myself, that was that and I was flogging a dead horse. A week or so later, after not having a perios for a while, I did a pregnancy test. To my shock and horror it came back positive. I hadn't slept with anyone else, so it was obvious who had helped me make it. I didn't know what to do. As much as we had wanted it while we were together, things were different now. I din't know how he would react, would he think I did it on purpose?? I did another test to be sure and again, I was pregnant. SH*T!!! I did think I could get rid and not tell him, he would never know, but I couldn't. Although it was cooking inside me, he had the right to know and the right to put his opinion across. I wouldn't have gotten rid of it, and I think he knows that, but for a slpit second, the thought did corss my mind. After the second test came out positive, I txt him. I told him how it was, and that before we get our hopes up, or start to panic, I wanted to see a doctor to get it all confirmed. He was over the moon. AS I was. He started asking about what would happen with us, what did I want to happen, where would I live all those sorts of things. It was everything I had wanted to hear, for weeks, but now I would never know if he wanted to be with me, or he was doing what he thought was best. I kept telling him to calm down, but I was just as excited as he seemed to be. I found out on the thursday and on the monday morning, after getting used to the idea and 6 hours before the doctors appointment I started to bleed. I did another test and it still said I was. I went to the doctors after txting him to tell him what was going on. He was worried too. The doctor said it was nothing to worry about but that I should go to the EPAC clinic the next day, just to have a look. That night I had to work, I was so worried about what was going to happen the following day, I still felt pregnant, I begged my belly to keep it ok, but the following mornig after a pregnancy test I was told i had lost the baby. She told me that it could be that my dates were wrong and that I was still pregnant, but that I should for now at least, consider it as over. I was gutted, I cried for hours, days even. The worst bit was having to call him to tell him. I was panicing that he wouldn't believe me, that I was pregnant in the first place, but he did. He was gutted too, but we agreed that it was one of those things and that we couldn't have done anything about it, the timing was rubbish and all sorts. He came home to go to a family funeral and asked me if he could see me before he went back to work again, before he was due to collect his stuff from my house. I asked him if it was a good idea, I still want him after all. He said he wanted to see me, so I allowed it. He turned up, we talked, more than we have ever talked in the past. I told him about the councelling, how it was going, how I felt about it. As well as other things, I have done, like learning how to drive, keeping fit (running everyday) and that my outlook had not changed as such, but was changing, and for the good. He said that maybe it was good we'd spilt up as I wouldn't have done all these things, especially change my job, had we carried on. I told him that yes, although I knew I had to do them, it probably was the kick up the bum I needed. He said he wanted to stay friends, spend time together, go for days out and things like that, and I said I would like that. But that I would also like him to keep an open mind about what might happen in the future. I told him that I want to show him how I have changed, and that over time maybe he would believe that things would be different. He agreed. He says he'll still come and visit and that I can visit him whenever I want. We'll see if that happens. We did end up sleeping together, and me being an idiot did not take the morning after pill. I now have to wait another 2 weeks to see if we are pregnant again, and I do hope beyond hope that I am, selfish I know, but my head was all over the place after he'd left. I hate myself for doing it as technically I guess I was hoping that if I am, he'll come back, ut more than anything I want his baby. We had one, and wanted it so much, but it wasn't meant to be. I feel stupid, but I don't think it would be a bad thing. We could do it apart just as easily as we could do it together. He is due to come and pick up his stuff tomorrow, and as much as I want to see him, and want him to ask me to go with him to his house, I know he won't. And I think it's too soon for me to be a big strong person when he's around. I do want to see him, more than anything, it just hurts alot. I know we will prbably end up sleeping together again tomorrow, I hope we do, with the herpes thing, it's not as if I can just go out and pull a random person and neither can he. I am going to suggest that for a while, we are friends that sleep together, (stupid I know) and theat when we do spend time together, no strings, however hard it is, hopefully he'll see it'll be ok. That makes me sound like such a cow I know, but I am so lost without him. I gave him everything of me, and I want him to try just one last time. I took a risk on him after all, the least he could do is take one for me. I don't know. Anway, I have got to work tonight, I have not txt him/emailed nothing since he left the other day, I have been tempted, believe me, but I have been good. He has to miss me. He has to realise what we had although it was too much too soon, it could have been great, with a little time and effort. We just got too ahead of ourselves too quickly. Anywho, I shall update this in the next couple of days to let anyone reading know what happens. If anyone has advice, questions or opinons, they are greatfully recieved. But I am writing this more for me, to look back over when I am feeling down about it all. Never as rose tinted when it's on paper afterall. Happy reading :0) Any advice would be welcome, please :0) Sorry it is so long, you need to know the whole picture.