Wtf

well this is a first not sure where to start im a thirty year old male who is a manager of popular nightclub where i live. I have had a few issues when i was a teenager with my mum, and i now have nothing to do with her for a number of other reasons, unfortunately this makes me make me not want any contact with her and even though i want contact with my family the fact that i have to have contact with her makes me not want any contact with my family, i know this is a tough decision but if having contact with my family mean i have to be in contact with my mum then i dont want contact with them, recently my nan died who also didnt want contact with my mum, her daughter (we were on the same page about her) and i feel now that i'm a little alone in the world which i do , but that doesnt really bother me im used to it doing things on my own living in my own little bubble. The problem is that i just dont seen a long term future for my self in anything that i do, i have a new girlfriend who has a lot of personal problems from her previous relationship which im trying to help her out with. MY long term plans are to go travelling but once i have done this i dont know what to do , my friends arent really close to me , my girlfriend as enough problems without me saying stuff about feeling depressed and a little suicidal which she already does so im trying to hide my problems from her as shes a self harmer and i really dont want her worrying on two levels about things, its so weird for me to say depressed and suicidal but i starting to feel that if things go tits up when i go travelling and when i get back then i will have nothing to come back to and suicide is there in the back of my mind as if its an option and i know its not. my head is such a mess

sorry not really what sort of help im looking for, just maybe some one going through a similar thing theres loads more stuff but i was trying to be concise

Sorry to hear your going through this hun. I too decided to have no contact with my mother after years and years of "poo". (she's an alcoholic). I know how difficult it can be to feel as though you have to shut out everyone else, my whole family would comment on my mother whenever I saw them, meaning I would see them less to stop them having the oppertunity. Sometimes, other people can't understand why we do things when we are trying to protect ourselves. So I know how you feel, I have been there. Sorry about your nan, that must have been hard and I am sure it still is, I too am very close to my maternal Grandmother, she is more of a mother to be honest :) Anyway, great news is your not alone, you have a gf!! Which is great, but please please, talk, ok so maybe not to her as you say you don't want to add to her stress, but you have to talk to someone about how your feeling and what you are thinking. If you don't, you being so unhappy and hiding your feelings/hurt will only have a negative effect on your relationship! Again, take it from one that knows. Even if it means talking to random people on these kind of sights, if it helps, great! But you have to try it. Sometimes speaking to a stranger helps, I know i has for me, having to explain everything sometimes makes you see things you've missed, can help you understand why you think or feel the way you do. Anyway, I do hope that helps, if only a little :0) Good luck with everything Mr Mann