Insecure

I've been in a relationship with this person for 11 yrs this aug. I am needing some honest tactful insight on my relationship. I am a very happy by nature woman whose very outspoken and honest. From what I've been told I am easy on the eyes. I am a heavier woman yet I haven't always been. The person i share my heart with has a addictive behavior. He either is a drinker, chain smoker, car enthusiast, porn lover, etc. whatever he does goes overboard to addiction. Last yr or so its been a fetish for stories online about incest. Mom and son, brother and sister etc. I am not a prude I realize men like to look at women fantasize etc but my problem is he doesn't want to interact with me sexually anymore and I am unsure if it is because of my weight or the addiction to the stories. We have had inter-coarse twice in the last 4 months. When he goes out of town for his vacations(which I let him do yearly) he gets on craigslist and tries to hook up with women wherever he is at that time. I have no idea if he has cheated because he lies. I have confronted him a few times in the past about it and he just lies or changes the topic to me snooping. As a woman it hurts to think he could be so untrustworthy at times but when he is sincere its hard to be upset. He says I am insecure. I truly love this person and I want this to be a lifetime thing but I am not sure if its healthy to be so insecure of his love for me and there is definitely a trust issue whenever he is away. Please give me some good insight and try not to be mean I am open for criticism but constructive criticism please .

Ok. Well I don't know anything about you... Not to be mean. But seriously it sounds like any woman can do better than that. Even if you're a "heavier" woman who cares. My girlfriend says she's fat who cares she's beautiful and I love her. You can do better I know you can. If he's cheating on you, you definitely deserve so so so much better. I know 11 years is long but I don't think he's right for you. I hope that this helps and doesn't really offend anyone. But think about it. If you think he's cheating on you consider leaving him. See what he does then. Hopefully this helps and best of luck with your future.

I am insecure now and i am over 40 and worried that i will be alone that is why i haven't left. I have not cheated on him and I have no addictions to speak of except loving him. I am not perfect i have my moods etc but I feel as if I am a pretty normal person. I have a stable income and have no financial issues my kids are grown and out of the home. I had a loving family with a loving up bringing. His family not so much. He wont go to therapy as we tried this a few yrs back and he felt the therapist was picking on his past drinking problems. At this point in life I am unsure as to what to do.

What is up with all of these men and their porn and craigslist obsessions? Geez. Two years ago, my best friend called me crying her eyes out because she found a craigslist ad that her husband posted trying to meet women. Some women responded and according to the email threads (which she let me read) he didn't go through with it. He even told the women he didn't have the heart to. When she confronted him, he told her it was more about getting attention from women in cyberspace with the feeling of knowing it can easily become reality. Basically, it made him feel better about himself. Now, I have been friends with both of them all my life so it was just as much of a shock to me that he would pull such a low stunt. How could he? I was so angry that he did this to her. It resulted in her keeping him on LOCK DOWN!!!!! I can't emphasize that enough! She managed his phone records, credit card statements, conducted random phone checks, and kept a tracker app on their onstar accounts for the vehicles they drove and a tracker app for his phone. She still does! I told her she was crazy and should just leave because the odds of him never cheating are now very low and who the hell wants to live like that! He also had a thing for porn and was not having sex with her as much because the porn satisfied him enough. He wanted it in the mornings but because of her work schedule, she slept during the days...so he would watch porn and satisfy himself every morning. When she wanted sex in the evening, he would say that he already jerked off that day and couldn't become aroused again. She made him stop watching porn and kept an eye on his web history from her own phone. She made him give her every email and social media account password he had. It's been two years of this now and oddly enough, they seem very happy. She now works a daytime job and their sex life has gotten somewhat better. And the only good thing I can say for him is that he did very willingly give up all of his personal space and freedom to prove to her he wouldn't do it again. Personally, I do not agree with my friend. I think if you have to control someone like this, then they are not a match. The POINT is that even though my friends story is the ONLY positive outcome I could ever conjure up for a situation like this, it still is NOT good and I would never condone it. So my advice is to LEAVE...RUN as fast as you can! Or you can just be miserable wondering what he's up to all the time and being rejected all the while OR you can demand he make changes and prove things to you as my friend did...but do you really want to live like that? I think not!

Oh, and the whole incest porn thing....WHAT?!?!?! He's mentally ill. You can do better. Stop letting this crazy nut make you feel insecure. He is obviously the insecure one....

I monitor his stuff from my phone for a few yrs now since the porn thing started but he doesnt know and i dont confront him... i know thats bad.... im at a loss for words now im so scared and sad.

so I re read my post and i sound so pathetic. I realize that it I wasn't having his internet sent to my phone I would never know and not be as hurt and insecure as I am and how I feel. I am also wondering that if I left him would I be good for anyone else because I have lost all faith in people as far as honesty is concerned. I don't want to be one of those people who are clinging or always checking in on their significant other. I feel like I am damaged goods. I am seriously thinking about confronting him but I am terrified of what his response will be.

If you are terrified of his response, then you most likely already know what it will be. He sounds like the type of guy who will do whatever he wants to do no matter what and will kick you to the curb should you try to interfere with it. Do you think he knows that you know? If so, you are encouraging tis behavior. You need to get in control or get out. As for your insecurities, it always bothers me when women feel this way. We've all felt it at some point or another but I will bet that if you got all dolled up and went out on a girls night, you'd probably catch a few stares and/or be asked out. You said yourself that others find you to be easy on the eyes. And hey don't worry about being on the heavier side. Not everyone likes skinny girls. Embrace yourself for who you are and be confident. You seem smart, as you've been able to recognize and analyze his addictive behaviors. That in itself tells you he will not change. He cant help himself. Women who undergo years of this crap do lose there self confidence and start believing there is something wrong with THEM all because of ONE man who happens to be a loser when in reality there is nothing wrong with them, other than not having the strength and will power to get out of the situation. Please take care of yourself and don't let this man prevent you from happiness another single day. You can do it! Starting over is foundation for a better life and people do it every single day! You aren't alone. Read books, listen to empowering music, and devote your time to work or hobbies you love while trying to start over in a life without this screwed up sex and porn addict who will never value who you are. Please find the will to make a difference! Have you told anyone about this, or is all of this a big secret from people in your lives? Sometimes just exposing it will give you confidence to move forward because once people know, they will expect you to do the right thing and leave. Nobody who cares about you will encourage you to stay with this man and you will not want to show everyone how weak you are by staying.

(Harramo, I could hug you; Jocelyn, high five! Please stick around as advisers, you two. :-)) Open4LifeNow - read this thread over and over AND listen to your own choice of alias because that's your 'feet' doing the talking, and your feet know what's what and what must be.

you are telling me all the things I have told myself time and time again... I am not dumb went to college with a major in psychology and minor in sociology but its so hard when your the one in the box. I appreciate all the good advice.

Well, of course. 'Physician, heal thyself'. You didn't grow attached using your logical hemisphere, did you, so how is your logical hemisphere supposed to rescue you from this situation by helping you to detach enough to where leaving's less painful thus do-able? It's your EMOTIONAL hemi that needs the enlightening. So here's your magic key for just that: Read 'Too Good To Leave/Too Bad To Stay' by Mira Kirshenbaum. It'll set you free. If it doesn't, it's simply that you're not as ready as you thought, meaning, you have to wait 2 weeks then read it again, because the fact of the matter is, IT works if you do or when you're ready to, that simple. (And if you ask me, it's THE most helpful self-help book ever written, not to mention the most engrossing! I CHALLENGE you to resist reading it cover-to-cover in one sitting! :-))

Hi, Not great at the whole relationship thing myself but felt I should just add my comment here anyway. To keep it simple, I dated a man who I couldn't trust as far as I could spit a few years ago. I became insecure and totally paranoid as a result. I stuck with the relationship for 5 years, even though I knew it was going nowhere, but what I did learn was that TRUST is totally non negotiable. I promised myself I would never date a dishonest man again (knowingly) and although I am having issues with my current partner, trust is definitely not one of them. No compromise here...never mind the sleazy porn and multiple addictions...my advice is this, jump ship now and save yourself the inevitable heartache that this man will bring. You deserve so much better than this.

Soulmate I am going to get that book I have an arsenal of self help books but not that one. I LOVE to read inspiring books that make me grow and inspire me to be a better "ME". I am glad I happened to fall across your web page and I commend you all on the exceptional open minded advise. Please continue outreaching to those of us lost souls on this journey called life.

Great stuff, and thanks on behalf of everyone, including the owner, Richard, for your kind words of appreciation. :-) Do let everyone know where you're at once you've read it, if you can? Closure is always very helpful.

Trust is very very important and when it's taken away it will always be hard to get back, but not impossible according to the experts. This is my story... I'm still in disbelief. Discovered my wife's affair recently. I have been married for 17 years, I just recently discovered that my wife has been in a relationship with another woman for 2 years. This woman has been friends with my wife for a very long time, 30 plus years. She is also married with kids. I considered our marriage to be strong until I found out the secret life. The big problem I’m having with our relationship is trust, I do not trust her and how do I go on in life not trusting the person I love. I always put the kids before myself, therefore I’m pretty certain I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship, like having an affair. The funny thing about this situation is that she see’s this as nothing to be worried about. Her friend is happily married and so are we and she do not see herself with anyone else but me. It’s just two girls having a little sexual fun sending pictures and videos to each other and writing stories about what one is going to do with the other. Am I being selfish, by feeling betrayed, jealous and let down? Will time repair the hurt in my heart. Can I live with this situation? I feel like I wan’t to go out and have an affair of my own, but what problems will this cause? I just wish I had someone I could trust and talk to, but this situation is so sensitive I have no idea how to handle it. I am lost….. I know this probably don't help your situation but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.