I love two women

It started off a nearly 18 months ago. At the time I was living. relatively happy with my gf of about a year, we had our own flat, pets & whilst we weren't 'well off' financially we took pleasures in the simple things in life. Despite her wanting & giving me the best she could, I always felt there was something lacking, something missing, it fell into that 'comfortable groove' too soon. Around the same time I started feeling this a new girl started at work & I can't deny that my head turned. I knew it would hurt the first girl (Jess) but the new girl at work (Rhi) had a spark, it felt like there was a connection, we spoke about things at times, she'd had a rough ride growing up, as did I & I felt like I could help her, she was a rough diamond & I thought with a little bit of polish she'd buff up superbly, we had this deep sense of connection. Whilst with Jess, I admit, I entertained the idea of Rhi quite a lot but I never did anything physically except for one kiss, one drunken night & that rocked my world, for me, sparks flew. I knew I was in a bad situation & I knew I couldn't have both so I slowly & painfully let Jess down, whilst I made it clear to Jess that I loved her, I also made it clear how I felt, I felt it had got too comfortable, a little stale maybe & we'd only been together properly for a year or so, I've never denied my love for Jess, she gave me nearly everything I could ever of wanted but as I say, I couldn't help feeling something was missing. Even though I'd ended it with Jess, she stuck around & refused to move out for four months, I wasn't going to kick her out, her name was on the tenancy & I felt I'd done enough to her. After I'd broken up with Jess, I started seeing Rhi, everything was great, it was absolute roses but Jess' refusal to move out made Rhi incredibly bitter towards the whole situation. She knew I had a GF when she left me, she knew she lived with me & through the whole process I was honest & clear but she accused me of not wanting her, my priorities were apparently still with Jess & she accused me of cheating on her with Jess. I stuck at it & tried to keep both parties as comfortable as possible, I knew it was hard for Rhi but I felt like I'd ripped Jess' whole world apart & every time I thought about what I'd done to Jess, it made me incredibly sad, she was & is such a golden person, she didn't deserve what I did to her. Eventually Jess moved out & Rhi moved in, this is when the problems really started, I'd recieve texts, half-way through a 15hr shift from Rhi, telling me it was over because she thought I should of made my decision quicker & that I didn;t really love her & all this.. I guess it hit harder because I was literally stuck at work & had no time to deal or think with what she was saying in these messages. I constantly had to reassure her that I'd left Jess for her but she would never accept it, everytime I was at work or we were seperate I'd get texts accusing me of doing something or splitting up with me. I cinstantly felt like I was fixing things. Mine & Rhi's relationship was very intense, lots of squabbling, lots of arguing & from her side, lots of emotional abuse, picking at my weaknesses during arguments, using my demons against me. I've never had this before, with one exception, all of my previous relationships had been mutually giving & respectful. At times, I have to say I thought about Jess a lot, she'd never of hurt ,e like Rhi did. As I say, me & Rhi were working toether, shifts, so not always on shift together & this also became sour, it effected our performance & in the end one of us had to move to a different unit as it was clearly not working, we never had time to see eachother (opposite shifts, opposite weekends) & jealousy was tearing us up. Even though Rhi moved unit, it wasn;t enough, people at work were sticking their ore in, telling us both not to do it & that we were worth more, which we both are. However, we got so annoyed with people just not letting us be & coming from such a small town, we decided to leave & up roots. We moved in with my mum (temporarily to save cash) but Rhi dipped hard, she'd shut herself away in our bedroom, she'd bite at me, snap, her moods were unppredictable, I could do no right, & the things I used to be able to do i.e. smack her arse, tickle her becaame annoying to her, she kept dumping her issues such as lack of space, or being hungry or tired on me, I felt like I had the weight of the world of my shoulders, we'd both had this massive change & I was the one pulling us through. 3 times during arguments, Rhi threatened to leave & go back to our home town, in the end she did, she spent every penny she had on getting drunk & a tattoo, now she wants to come back... During Rhi's dip, I couldn't help think that Jess would of never treated me like this.; Jess was a little too comfortable too soon but she loved every inch of me & I knew it. side by side they are literally darkness & light. I sent Jess a text a few days ago & everything came flooding back, the tears, the guilt, the memory of how much I hurt her. Jess would have me back in a heartbeat, she really would, I love her, I always have but I never, ever, ever want to hurt her again, she doesn't understand this & thinks if you love someone you'd want to be with them but I feel it's because I love her that I can't. I'm scared of commitment, I'e never tied down to anything in my life & Jess deserves so much better, she deserves someone who will treat her like she deserves to be treated. Right now, Rhi & Jess are 70 miles away. I know Jess would give me the content stable life but I'm still, even know, drawn to Rhi even though I know she has a lot of changes to make, she knows she has a lot of changes to make but with the way it's been, I'm not sure she's able to or if she is I know it's going to be an incredibly rocky ride & I don;t know how long I can hold on for anymore... in short, I just don;t know what to do... have no clue which way to turn... I'm not necessarily expecting a miracle solution from anybody but my god is it god to just get this on to paper (so to speak)

I was expecting a reply such as this & it does little help. I'd question whether you understand love but I'm sure you do? In black & white it could be perceived that I was a self-indulgent ass but... I was honest with all parties at all times. I told Jess it was over when I knew I wanted this girl & the Rhi always knew about Jess, right from the start. You can't help who you fall in love with, it isn't an on/off switch so please try to show a little more empathy. You saw I was a guy & you saw that there was two women so you've labelled me as a typical man, playing around & that absolutley is not the case. I played no-one, I mislead no-one, I was with a girl I love(d) & along came a girl (Rhi) who I thought understood me much deeper than the first one ever would, someone that had been through the same crap in life, someone I connected with on a much deeper level. By what you're saying, we should only meet one person in our lives ever & then we stick with them? please don't be so black & white, try to understand the emotions involved, I'm just a human, a person with real emotions, not a robot with on/off switches. Thanks for your input though